(The following interview was fashioned from scraps and pieces of the team interviews conducted by Alice, a few last minute questions, and some wicked imagination. Then blended and mashed until it sounded like a drunk dial. Love, Polly)
Chance: Do we exchange naked pictures?
Alice: Umm. No.
Chance: Robin Mead of CNN did.
Alice: I currently live in a house with a man who doesn't watch television. That is not a joke and my life is empty and meaningless as a result.
Chance: Bummer. Jersey Shore is missing you right now.
Alice: Dude. I freaking love that show. I'm a situation. This is a situation. Can I have your phone number?
Chance: Really? Do you want to call me and have me put the TV on so you can listen?
Alice: Yes I do.
Chance: I won't even tell TV guy.
Alice: Non-TV-guy, actually. Don't worry, he doesn't read the blog. And he's just not the jealous type.
Chance: So, he doesn't read and he doesn't watch TV?
Alice: He reads and writes, yes. Just not either on this blog. No television. Sometimes films.
Chance: But no television?
Alice: You’re fixating.
Chance: But that sounds…complicated.
Alice: You’re right. I’m about to marry a non-TV-watching recovering catholic, I could use some advice.
Dol: Here's my advice on the catholic part: kneel when he tells you to kneel, don't eat the bread (it's cannibalism, for Chrissakes), and smoke doesn't necessarily mean fire.
Diosa: Unless you have boys. What’s your worse parent moment to date?
Alice: Every day tops the last. Patience is not my best quality. Actually I'm not entirely sure I have any patience at all.
Polly: I’m sure you have other redeeming qualities.
Who are you when you feel like the best version of yourself?
Alice: My first thought was good lord I hope that version is yet to be. I often see women who are in their forties(ish)—looking good as ever, smart, with some life and family and marriage experience behind them—and think I can't wait to be like that. The best version of me so far? I can't even get my mind to picture that me right now—the only thing that comes to mind is sun-tanned skin. And now I'll go downstairs and have a drink, thankyouverymuch.
Polly: What advice would you give yourself at 20?
Alice: Start a retirement fund. Don't bleach your hair. Drink more wine and smoke fewer cigarettes. Try not to sleep in so often. Show a little cleavage. Talk less, listen more. Yoga, church, meditation, and driving with the radio up and the windows down can all be lifesavers. Patience, my dear, patience. Get a dog. Listen to Chef Mark, he's usually right. And always wear sunscreen.
Pandora: I bet you wish you’d had someone like Polly around when you were twenty.
Alice: I wish I had someone like Polly around just before I walked down the aisle in my first marriage.
Bookgirl: Polly is very helpful.
Alice: You can be helpful. Please get me an interview with Shalom Auslander. I will mouth kiss you—that’s a warning.
Bookgirl: I haven't had any action in so long that's actually tempting. Tongue?
Alice: Maybe. Can I come to visit again soon? Your couch is the most comfy place on earth.
Bookgirl: You’re always welcome.
Alice: Good because I don’t have money for a hotel. Or for anything else. I had to stop going to Target, I'm too poor and can't resist its charms. No joke.
Model: Too Poor For Target. If I had a band, I'd name it that.
Alice: If you ever have a band named Too Poor For Target I expect some credit. I'll be keeping close tabs on you for that.
Model: You'll get royalties in the form of Target gift cards.
Alice: Better than gold.
Model: Truly.
Alice: I can spend it all on condoms and box wine.
Pandora: Hey, tell us about your experience with that lubricant “jelly crap.”
Alice: As much as I’d love to, you’re too young to hear that story.
Polly: When you first became “Alice” I thought it was a reference to “Alice in Wonderland,” even with the “All Over” tacked in front of it.
Alice: It wasn't. I just like to attach an adjective to a name. Like Negative Nancy or Boring Betsy. Or Surly Santos.
Dol: That reminds me, why do your dogs always try to start something with other people’s dogs?
Alice: Whoa! Slow down there Sassy Sally. Only Santos likes to instigate. It's because he's a Mexican gangsta with something to prove. The other one, Hank, is like a really sweet Hallmark card wrapped in a dog suit. Don't judge Hank—you'll scar him for life.
Polly: Speaking of “scarred for life,” why marriage, again?
Alice: So I can dance and do shots of Patron with you at my wedding. And because I believe in marriage, in establishing something long lasting with someone you love. For better and, good god almighty, for worse—because I know how to drag the worse out of anyone.
Polly: That takes skill. Do you ever expect to feel settled?
Alice: When I'm dead. I can't say for certain that I know what 'settled' feels like, anyway. I’ll let you know when I get there.
Polly: How are the people on the team different than you imagined?
Alice: You have no idea what my imagination can do.
Polly: I’m listening.
Alice: As much I love anyone who will listen when I talk, I'm not about to start writing that nonsense on the internet. But nice try.
Polly: What if Shalom Auslander came to listen to you talk, would you tell him your nonsense?
Alice: Absolutely.
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