The INTJ female is a rare and elusive creature. If one percent of the population is an INTJ, and by definition of T-ness, only twenty-five percent of INTJ's are female, then the odds of meeting up with an INTJ female are one in four hundred. Add age, geography, demographics, and the fact that from what I've read a lot of INTJ females end up locked up in ivory towers and the chances of running into one of these she-beasts at the grocery store dwindles down to almost nil. Nil is a pretty dismal number.
But INTJ females aren't elusive only because they are rare. INTJ females are masters of disguise. Perhaps even more than our male counterparts, we like to "cultivate an air of conformity" and pass ourselves off as normal, or at the very least as INFJ. An INTJ female can be downright scary to some people and we learn at a very young age that being weird-serious as opposed to weird-quirky makes for some pretty lonely days on the playground.
I have been told many times, in many ways that I am not like the other girls. Usually this is said with the same kind of creepy tone one would use to tell someone they have a tail.
What makes a female INTJ such a non-girl, which is the term I find least offensive, is that we stand up for ourselves, stick to our guns, and don't get weepy or insulted when someone tries to derail an argument by calling us a, gasp, bitch. We simply state that being a bitch is besides the point and get on with what we were saying. Non-girl, indeed.
With INTJ men, we non-girls are a novelty. They can't believe that there is a female out in the world who thinks like they do. But, and for all I know I'm the last Lorax and speak only for myself, I want to be friends with a woman, preferably my age and at my same crossroads in life, who is like me.
Maybe it would be completely boring, but maybe, just maybe, it would be like coming home.
PP
Hi! I live in Seattle, and you and I have a mutual friend (Bookgirl) who told me about your site AFTER I told her I was an INTJ.
It's a small world after all.
Posted by: Danielle | March 21, 2007 at 09:11 AM
As an INTP female I know just what you mean. I think I've met some INTP men before but never an INTP girl, as far as I can recall, and I'd be really interested to know whether we'd get on. Would we be friends instantly or both be so cautious we'd never even realize we're both INTP? I also agree with you that we're very good at disguising our T-ness, and deal with it very differently to Thinking men. INTP/J women are really very different creatures to our male counterparts.
Posted by: Catie | May 20, 2007 at 05:36 PM
I ended up with a client that, although we have very different backgrounds, we are well into our second year of working together. Now I know why. She, too, is an INTJ! First time in my life that I've run into another one.
What I really wish I had was an ENFP for a husband, though. Mine is an ESFJ and we are from completely different planets!
Posted by: Ellen | May 26, 2007 at 03:50 PM
It's a shit thing when you realize that your closest friends are, always have been and always will be - men. Not being a girly girl is rough. I, too, wish there was a female me out there. Age doesn't matter so much. Same crossroads does. I have written about this same thing a few times on TheLFactor. If my match responds to your above (semi) personal ad - send her to me. I'll take a big bite out of her! Actually, no don't. Let's face it, she's not out there.
Posted by: Liz | May 29, 2007 at 08:05 PM
THANK YOU. The term "non-girl" is yet another answer to my question, "who am I?". I'm so tired of people trying to classify me simply as either butch, lesbian, or bi. Sexuality has nothing to do with it. I'm something outside of the norm, and that's just too scary to most people unless I have a title they can understand.
I am twenty-something INTJ female who is recovering from years of christian/altruist brainwashing.
I got sick of my evangelical christian family making me feel like a crazy person at a pretty early age. Unfortunately, that led me to become a rather cynical "non-girl" that boys found bitchy, and girls found scary and weird. Until I discovered the breakdown of personality types, I was practically going insane trying to diagnose myself before I wound up becoming the "crazy cat lady".
I have since found an ENTP boyfriend that meets my high expectations (they say opposites attract...), but at the rate we are both developing, I have a sneaking suspicion that a parting is in our future. My journey to find others like myself is just beginning. Guy friends are nice (and all I really have, truth told), but I have always longed for another female to relate to. I am still learning to be the proud/confident INTJ in public that I know I am inside. I'm SO curious to see what other INTJs are like, and I anxiously look forward to meeting more.
Posted by: Miss Ivy | July 13, 2007 at 11:12 PM
I'm an INTP. Similar issues. Almost impossible to find like-minded females IRL.
Posted by: I vey | July 19, 2007 at 01:26 PM
Heh, I find it slightly humorous that all the comments thus far have probably been made by females. And yes, I am an INTJ male.
Posted by: Ichimonji10 | August 01, 2007 at 11:27 PM
I'm an INTJ male. I just have a few questions to you INTJ females.
So my questions to you are:
1. Do you find socializing with INTJ males enjoyable or would you rather socialize with females regardless of personality type?
2.Do you look for ENFP and similar mates?
I often socialize with engineering and physics student. I did some experiments with one of my good friends in that population and found that he was IN-something.
There are not many females in this population but I often find those who are more non-girl than the average girl I meet in school.
Strangely, I found out that a long time childhood friend who also attended this engineering school is EN-something.
So the conclusion is that some friends I have found in this place are more similar to me than some of my older friends.
On the other hand being INTJ and having ENFP or EN- something friends would also support the hypothesis that INTJs are drawn to E's as friends or partners.
Some posts on this blog suggest that you are looking for E-something mates. If it true that you look for E- something mates, then both INTJ males and females look for about the same type.
So there would be no significant statiscal gender division as with other statistical measures.
So to sum it up, INTJ tends to be a statistically valid concept. Then we must also ask ourselves the question of whether we are inclined to believe this theory or not and therefore make illogical judgements. But that's another question.
Posted by: AnonymousINTJMale | September 26, 2007 at 06:09 AM
Great to come across a fellow INTJ. It's funny, my mom always tells me how women never have certain traits, yet knowing many INTJ women I know for sure it isn't a gender issue but a personality type issue. Mensa is a great place to meet other INTJ women. I've met a number there.
Here's where I rant about my own INTJ'ness on my Personality Types page.
Nice to meet you Polly.
Posted by: Howard | October 04, 2007 at 05:00 PM
Oh, don't worry...plenty of INTJ females exist. I think you're right--we just blend in too well to tell what we are sometimes. I am pretty certain I'd ever met another one until I joined an INTJ forum, and then there was a blossoming of like-minded people, and I found that we were often going "You have that problem too? You mean I'm NOT a freak?" Ahh, good times.
Posted by: crookedfinger | October 10, 2007 at 07:39 AM
"I have been told many times, in many ways that I am not like the other girls. Usually this is said with the same kind of creepy tone one would use to tell someone they have a tail."
As a fellow INTJ female, I know exactly what you mean.
Posted by: Samantha | May 11, 2008 at 08:10 PM
Just happy to have found this forum. Am INTJ and have really had a rough ride in the corporate environment. Going solo now is tough but what a challenge... At least I get to call the shots. Look forward to reading, understanding and exchanging views with fellow female INTJs.
Posted by: joie de vivre | June 02, 2008 at 04:42 PM
"...we learn at a very young age that being weird-serious as opposed to weird-quirky makes for some pretty lonely days on the playground."
This is so apt I just had to quote it. If I work really hard, I can try to be the "quirky", cute weird, but it is exhausting and also annoys the shit out of me. I just can't keep it up even to "hide", which does have a certain value.
Posted by: Jules | June 09, 2008 at 05:14 PM
Hello! Did a search on INTJ and found this.
I found the comment of having more guy friends than gal friends most relatable. I'm ending a 3 year experiment in hanging out with mostly women- I relocated and thought it would be a good opportunity. It is about the most miserable I have ever been. I'm definitly a "non-girl". I have always had more male friends, but it's harder now that I'm married. Nearly everything that has been said in this post is stuff I've said myself. Amazing.
Posted by: missy | June 15, 2008 at 11:59 PM
I was looking up "INTP females" when I happened to run across this site, and I must say that, being a supposedly INTP female (I just recently discovered type theory), I can relate to most of what you guys are saying.
During grade school I was predominantly friends with boys (back before we were totally sexualized), and during adolescence I had a fairly mixed base of friends (though definitely with more girls than before). The thing is, though, that I had to short-circuit most of my girl friendships because I just couldn't deal with a lot of their drama and triviality. They would ask me "what do you think" about this or that personal problem, and the only thing I could ever offer was either some obvious, albeit far from comforting solution, such as "dump him", or some clever/sarcastic remark that would lighten them up. I think that they only tolerated having me around most of the time because I qualified as moderately humorous.
However, the few signatures that I did get in my senior yearbook (I believed, at the time, that keeping signatures was pointless and sentimental) all said something along the lines of "I don't really know you that well, but you were funny and nice".
Ah well. Reading this stuff does make me think of myself as less "abnormal" than I usually do. It's a sort of comfort I suppose.
Posted by: Lydia | June 21, 2008 at 01:34 AM
Lydia, I love reading the notes in my high school yearbook but they're mostly full of anecdotes, so its a bit different. You're welcome to hang around and if you ever think about commenting but are on the fence, go ahead and just comment anyway. I want you to.
Posted by: Polly Poppins | June 21, 2008 at 11:28 AM
Funny enough, I am an INTP girl, and I am also searching for other INTP girls. I was not aware that INTJ girls are scarce as well. I know of one from a previous computer programming class. I was envious of her ability to "do". I fall short of "doing", and I rather analyze. I have always been more comfortable with boys. I just graduated high school. I have always had a surplus of friends (even girls)}, but the reason was because-"You just aren't filled with drama. Its so nice to meet someone who doesn't care like that!" I was the nice girl. Honestly, I just saw objective truth in every matter and quickly became the person that heard everyone's problems. I love logicial explanations. I am pretty good at math, but love writing. I definitely get the "non-girl" comment. I had a best guy friend tell me in lamen terms that I am a boy. That was frustrating, considering I am dating his brother and sometimes feel I lack the girl things that boys find attractive and amusing. It is nice to know that both INTP and INTJ girls have these things in common. Currently, I am on a journey to find myself, because I really do not know who I am.
Posted by: Aaran Ashlwy | July 11, 2008 at 01:45 PM
Hi Aaron, you read more like and ENTP than an INTP to me, but I'll take you at your word, but that's mostly based on the fact that you bothered to post a comment so you can feel free to question my logic. Hope to see you around.
Posted by: Polly Poppins | July 11, 2008 at 01:50 PM
Hi, I'm Danielle and I'm 19. I'm a college student and recently found out I'm INTJ. I was so glad to come across this group . . . it's nice to know there are other women like me out there!! I have always felt so misunderstood and non-feminine that I have gone to great lengths to look "girlie" just because I'm tired of seeming weird. But then people assume that I am a certain "type" of girl, which just leads to more misunderstanding that I don't bother to correct because I'm an INTJ . . . it is a vicious cycle.
Posted by: Danielle Stoller | July 22, 2008 at 10:06 PM
It's interesting to see that there is a small collection of INTJ females out and about. I think it's even more rare when those INTJ females are part of so-called minority groups. Not only are we aliens, but we're alien PLUS.
I'm on the line between INTJ and INFJ (and when I took MBTI I came out having a slight T preference). The preference is more INTJ because of how I react when the pressure's on, and when I'm tired/alone/by myself. It's *much* easier to drop the emotional crap and just make decisions, regardless of others' feelings - but perhaps society has fostered my gentleness. I love to laugh and play - and I do cry at sad movies - but those are more balances, I think. If I had my druthers I'd rather let the "T" side lead. It's much easier.
Posted by: Arbygil | August 25, 2008 at 07:27 PM
As an INTJ I show the tell-tale signs; imbalanced sex ratio in friends of the male gender, being called an "atypical" girl. However I tried to "feminise" myself by practising better graces and even joined a sorority whilst I was in college. I only had a "drama" problem when I fought with an ex-lover.
I was wondering if any fellow INTJs attempted to and could share their views on integrating or conforming to the demands of being a woman-woman. (if you actually for some reason, tried).
Posted by: Stella | August 30, 2008 at 09:59 AM
Very drawing comments, I had to read every one. I am an intensely 'INTP' male, dead on, +/- nothing. I've been married, divorced, etc., etc. I have never knowingly met an INTP female and would relish the opportunity, as I find it improbable to expect to get along with a non-INTP long term. It's also possible that the 'likes clash' thing would come into play, but I'd sure like to find out. . .
Posted by: John | September 16, 2008 at 06:43 AM
P.S.
On the other hand, I'd be perfectly content with any type who would / could truly understand where I'm coming from and not chastise me for being myself. My own high comfort level with myself just exascerbates and complicates relationships with the female gender because they don't understand it's roots and the personal struggle road it took to get to that point, so they just interpret it as arrogance or self-rightousness or uncaring or, or, or ...
Posted by: John | September 16, 2008 at 06:52 AM
John, I know where you're coming from man. As an INTP very happily married to an INTJ female, I can tell you being (mostly) understood is a great thing. Of course, we have had to work out the whole P vs. J thing, but I felt that was pretty minor compared to what I've seen most couples go through. Keep looking. They're out there.
Posted by: Ramblin' Jack | September 16, 2008 at 07:33 AM
I am an INTJ female: extreme NI, moderate TJ. Needless to say I have had many relations with imaginary boyfriends, characters in books and domesticated animals; among a handfull of relations with living humans most were interesting but ultimately unfullfilling (dumped their sorry asses), but my ongoing perfect is with an INTJ male. Assuming the stats here are valid, (and random mating) the chances of that are 2 in 100,000. Hang on in there, its really worth it!
Posted by: catherine the cat | September 18, 2008 at 07:59 AM
Hello there! INTJ female here. I'm pretty familiar with the typical INTJ personality traits, but this is the first place I've read about how the females of this type do a better job of blending in with the "regular" folks. I've learnt to do it just so I can get along without too much needless confrontation while I indulge my own happy thoughts, but I had no idea how prevalent it was. Of course, I don't compromise on my core values, but as far as social niceties go, I pick my battles and try not to alienate too many people on the little things that don't really count in the long run.
I'd say that I gravitate towards INTJ males, while I'm more democratic in my choice of female friends. Fortunately, in academia it's not too difficult to get to know INTJs. (Disclaimer: I don't date where I work! Those two facets of my life are mutually exclusive.) True to type, I studied Math and Physics, and now teach in a small college. I love what I do, and feel lucky that I found work that is so in tune with my personality.
Posted by: dee615 | November 20, 2008 at 04:35 PM
Hi...
I have just discovered that my INTJ self is the minority in women and have realized why I've never had a group of girlfriends... I now understand why I don't fit in playgroups for my son... and how I've always felt different with women friends and more comfortable with my guy friends... It's been a tough roller coaster ride and has led me to rediscovering my inner self due to the excellent diguise I've been obligated to put on in order to survive in my relationships with my family, friends, and the world of course... I want to meet other people like me and see how that would change my friendships/relationships with others... I've enjoyed reading the posts and realizing I am not the only one out there...
Posted by: Marcia | November 29, 2008 at 01:53 PM
Hi.
I am an INTJ doing some research about the personality type with regards to dating and came across this site. I have to interject that I do not have male friends. All of my friends are females. I attribute this to having sisters and them being my primary source for friends growing up. I also had female friends at school. Did I have a pack of 30 friends? No. It was more like 2. But they were the best friends a growing girl could ask for.
Now in my 30s, I have some really good girl friends. I find the trick is to not overly expose myself to their company (the same stuff over and over gets old), and I tend to hang out with them one at a time although most know each other and are friends. It also helps that I am the dominant personality in the group. My friends typically let me have my way.
I do have one friend who is a very touchy feely sort. It really aggravated me at first, but I have conceded to allow her to hug me (she knows any further touching is off limits) as I know this will help me grow as a person. Our relationship continues to be a good one. I also interact with a wide variety of undergraduates. In a position of mild authority, I tend to get along with the females much better than the males, although I feel I treat everyone equally. I am available for advice-giving, but it frustrates me when people don't take it because I feel it is very good advice (wink).
I recognize that not everyone is like me - I haven't met another individual, male or female, that I would chracterize as the same as me in personality. I also concede that my friends are not party fluff; there is real substance to them. If not, the friendship wouldn't last long.
Posted by: roni | December 28, 2008 at 06:13 AM
I am an INTP female and I don't personally know any others, female or male. From feedback I have a rather masculine mind the way I process things and the attitudes I have. I tend to observe and analyze a lot and let others be social butterflies.
I just read a Psychology Today article and my ring fingers are longer than my index fingers. http://snurl.com/bhdr
Posted by: Special Agent | February 07, 2009 at 01:39 PM
Interesting. I just found that I'm classified as an INTJ. I had never heard of the MBTI prior to my employer requiring me to take it. It does explain a lot about how my life has gone. More male friends, not being as feminine. Although I do feel as though I am very feminine when I'm not just trying to get the job done. I had also read where INTJ women take more flack than INTJ men for being such. I have definitely experienced that, particularly being an African-American INTJ female. So, I may be about 1% of the population. I also find that men feel that I encroach upon "their" territory and wish I would stay in, what they perceive to be, my own. Thinking in an equal nature is way too much for most people, coming from someone like myself. It is a constant battle. I don't seek to be in anyone's territory, as much as I seek to be all that I need to be, uninhibited by other people's fear of threat or convention.
It is a very "solo" life, filled with human encounters of people who feel "don't encourage her (unless it is for her to be subservient, docile, unsure, etc.). But because I've had a lot of practice, it's easy to spot, doesn't suit my life goals, and walk over it, should the situation allow. When I say walk over it, I'm well aware that that is offensive to people. But not half as offensive as constant encounters with people who feel that I should know my place. They have no idea what they're dealing with. Also, the problem isn't that I hide my INTJ tendencies well, as a typical INTJ. The problem is that the other 99% of the population feels that an African-American INTJ female either doesn't or shouldn't exist.
Posted by: Diabolique | March 08, 2009 at 03:50 PM
"...we learn at a very young age that being weird-serious as opposed to weird-quirky makes for some pretty lonely days on the playground."
You hit the nail on the head. I'm in high school, and the label "weirdo" is usually automatically branded on my forehead everytime I attempt to interact with someone. I am NOT socially-awkward - it's just that I'm often overly-serious, and that, combined with my "nerdiness," makes it difficult to obtain new friends. (I'm not exactly a "nerd" in a stereotypical sense per se; I just usually get some of the highest - if not the highest - marks in my classes [my average is a 93%].)
You are so right about the "serious-weird" thing. I've observed that people who are "weird", but in a quirky way, are seen as charming, unique, fun-to-be-around, and rather attractive. On the other hand, people who are "serious-weird" are seen as a scary, anti-social, borderline-asperger recluse. The fact that I'm girl doesn't help either; other girls are usually intimidated by me...BUT fear is power, and I love feeling powerful. :-)
Posted by: Vivian Li | March 14, 2009 at 11:37 PM
Bravo for your INTJ moxy!
You took the words right out of my INTJ / INTP mouth (and you thought *you* were weird).
At the time of this writing, I am in my fourth decade of life and heard, for the millionth time - AGAIN - "Gee, Val, you're not like most women... Most women like blah-de-blah-de-blah-blah-blah-blah..."
In this case, the person having this epiphany was a female whose strong points were drama and manipulation. You can imagine how impressed I was with her assessment.
What's most difficult is trying to conform to marital expectations of what is means to be female; the result is often a feeling of suffocation or of being trapped (and I care deeply for my spouse).
My passions - fishing, flying and web development - are not "typical" female endeavors. It's fairly lonely when the only person you can share your passions with is your husband a) because you're "married" and married girls don't hang out with guys and b) because your husband STILL does not understand the person he is with.
So, I more than relate to your feelings and your post.
I'll leave you with a two word quote from "Desiderata" by Max Ehrmann, "Be yourself."
Posted by: Valerie Booth | March 16, 2009 at 10:48 AM
I'm an INTJ man let loose on the corporate world and I find more than a few INTP women working in training departments of large corporations. INTJ women, I must say are rare in that I have some across one. INTJ men are found every where at the mid and upper levels of large US corporations. I find a few ENTJ women usually at the CEO level.
Posted by: NFlash | March 19, 2009 at 09:20 PM
I'm a "serious weird" INTJ female, too. I also have never fit any social mold out there-an oddball even among oddballs.
As a child I was painfully shy, and now I tend to be too aggressive (by the standards of other girly-girls I work with), and sometimes end up in trouble. Cliques are my ultimate enemies.
It's interesting that all of you seem not to get along with other women. I seriously cannot stand most women, and would be the first to classify them as catty witches. The underhanded, passive-aggressive, manipulative deviousness of many women bugs me. Just come up and tell me what the problem is so we can resolve it and get on with our lives, for heaven's sake! That's my philosophy.
Interestingly, I was raised a Christian, and have come back to that by choice-"Miss Ivy's" entry caught my eye. My parents are oddballs themselves, however, and thus did not make me feel emotionally deformed. For me, having a relationship with God has helped me come to terms with myself more-I believe he gave me these challenges for a reason and WANTS me to be an INTJ girl!! I feel that many evangelicals are seriously misguided about what God wants of women. Being spiritually female doesn't have to mean being "girlie" by the world's standards.
My husband is 18 years older, very introverted, and very secure. He is also a Christian and has been very supportive of me. However, I do often feel like his "phlegmatic" nature is overwhelmed by my intensity. At times, I feel like I must be in an emotional straightjacket in order to be palatable to the world at large-any of you ever feel this way? At least my husband does enjoy my "non-girliness"; for example, we both want to get motorcycles and ride together when we can afford it! Neither of us really fits in anywhere.
The more I see of what is "normal", the less I like it. Even more so, popularity.
Often I feel more in common with my cats than with people!
My new nickname for the straightjacketed self I must be to survive in the world: Jeneric!
Posted by: Jennifer Moody | May 24, 2009 at 04:33 PM
Lonely seems to be an understatement, yet when I am not alone I find myself wanting to be alone, so it counteracts its self. People tend to become obsessed after talking to me this includes professors, strangers, and some friends :( What would it be like to be completely alone???? miss- understanding is a understatement and another topic... strange and beautiful
Posted by: Desiree | July 22, 2009 at 03:56 PM
I feel like I am a little late to the party, but another INTJ female has arrived. It's scary, I could haven written 80% of the comments here. Glad to know there are others out there *waves*.
Posted by: Scarlett | July 23, 2009 at 01:34 PM
To be aware of my personality is not fulfilling in thought, yet to know what it means is; to become independent of my needs and to explore my potentialities, how to fully function, is my profound responsibility. To become my true self.
Posted by: Desiree | July 28, 2009 at 02:42 PM
I'm an ENFP guy. What you described sounds like a treasure to me!
Posted by: unagi | August 07, 2009 at 07:04 AM
I am an INTJ female but, because of my appearance and demeanor, people type me as feminine. I've actually had friends and acquaintances use the feminine descriptor on me with frequency, so I'm not sure I agree that INTJ women physically appear less "girly"; I'm rather more inclined to believe that people tend to assume that women must necessarily be sentimental, dependent, and sensitive to criticism. INTJ women aren't and so we are odd.
I generally feel more comfortable around women than men because men are more likely to try to flirt with me. Though I am skilled at deflecting flirtation, I still feel discomfort and embarassment when I sense an interaction veering that way. I'm just too serious and literal to have fun with it most of the time and I go into a mode of pretending to be utterly oblivious.
Though I prefer female friends, I find it difficult to make the kinds of deep friendships I crave. I can easily enough accumulate acquaintances and casual friendships but I tend to expect others to pursue me and to insist upon the friendship. I've many times been accused of being aloof, reserved, "mysterious", or serious. I look for people who have a strong sense of self and am not much interested in women in sublimate themselves almost entirely to roles such as wife or mother, even though I am a wife and mother myself. I am repelled by behaviors I deem to be superficial, such as when (some) women pretend interest in professional sports in order to attract men. It's hard for me to understand changing to attract a mate. I also have difficulty understanding the way some of my female friends and acquaintances interact. They often seem to have petty jealousies, to arrange other women in hierarchies according to perceived attractiveness, and to create small cliques. Many seem to act in order to elicit a certain reaction, and that turns me off somehow. I'm very reluctant to assume personal traits that feel false in order to be more likable or more accessible. I always feel like the worthwhile people will take me as I am. I also find that I am much more likely to speak my mind than other women are, and that I don't particularly care if some people will consequently perceive me as less feminine. However, I will only speak my mind on a subject that I am well-informed on.
I don't see myself as socially inept as much as socially disinterested. While I like (some) people and enjoy a limited amount of interaction, I feel like many social interactions are affected and false. I'm generally perceived as a polite person and I believe I'm empathetic, but I find it almost impossible to affect interest in topics I believe are dull or trivial. I often find myself out-of-sync with popular culture and not caring either, but this is one of the traits that people most consistently perceive as odd about me.
My husband is an INTJ as well, and I do not perceive his personality as *that* similar to mine. However, he also tends to be serious and to expect other people to be rational. He is easily frustrated by ignorant or illogical people but tends to be less perfectionistic than I am. He is less social than I am, rarely sustaining close friendships, though he enjoys social situations when warmed up. He is somewhat of a workaholic and, like me, very loyal. He takes his responsibilities exceedingly seriously. We've both been involved in creative pursuits, art and writing, and we both prefer to work alone and autonomously. We both dislike unjust authority, but neither of us is highly motivated to lead other people, though I often find myself taking charge out of frustration. My husband constantly analyzes systems and seeks to optimize them while I don't see the point of optimizing someone else's system or of trying to make everything efficient. I often have difficulty understanding the value of what other people hold valuable. I tend to feel a disenegaged contempt for illogic while my husband is highly irritated by it and wishes to make others understand the error of their ways.
I'm probably lucky that my husband and I met relatively early in life. I've never had much trouble garnering male attention, but I find myself attracted to only a fraction of the men who express interest in me. I've always needed an attraction to be a deep attraction, and I tend to only trust the more aloof sort of man, as gregarious men often seem indiscriminate to me. I suspect that very outgoing people must limit themselves to more superficial relationships, in order to have the energy to sustain so many, but that's probably just how things seem from my introverted perspective.
Posted by: malcontent | August 11, 2009 at 09:27 PM
Wow I too am an INTJ female and often feel misunderstood, or like a flat out weirdo ;). I have started my own blog http://amillennialperspective.blogspot.com/
I read some of your other posts and was laughing cause Im exactly the same way!
Posted by: Samantha | August 24, 2009 at 03:15 PM
Hi. I'm an INTP female randomly browsing around INTJ/INTP sites as I'm also curious about this peculiar nature when it occurs under females. We're awesome but people have a hard time putting us into a frame and understanding what we're all about. We're probably also very good at adapting as observing and taking in information is one of our greatest strenghts. I think what is mostly offending is dealing with people who treat us like we're aliens... Or being around girls who make us feel like aliens or tomboys or lesbians:P (Not that being a lesbian or a tomboy is wrong at all!)... It's quite the bumpy ride sometimes but gladly we're able to defend ourselves and look glorifying in the end. ^_^
Posted by: RandomBypasser | September 06, 2009 at 08:25 PM
I'm glad you posted. I hope to see you around on other threads.
On Sep 6, 2009, at 8:25 PM, typepad@sixapart.com wrote:
Posted by: Polly Poppins | September 08, 2009 at 09:53 AM
hello there, fellow intj female. i have very similar issues and it doesn't help that i am young and not to hard on the eyes. i am having a difficult time with relationships and finding balance. im interested in hearing more from you.
Posted by: sarah | December 14, 2009 at 08:46 PM
Wow! Great to see lots of INTJ posts. The one posted by "malcontent"clearly resonates with me for the most part; a lot of the sentiments expressed above hit home as well, i.e.non-girlie girl, raised in Christian home, not too hard on the eyes, adaptable (concealing our INTJ-ness at times), more male friends, difficulty "socializing" with females as they seem to chatter away incessantly and aimlessly...all that stuff.
Posted by: Jaz | December 19, 2009 at 04:12 AM
Wow! I wish I could meet more of you guys IRL. I've only just recently discovered this INTJ/INTP thing, and it's been such an eye-opener! I think I understand myself a lot better now - I don't get along with "normal" girls at all, and I see no point in sustaining trivial conversations, which unfortunately end up being sustained due to my lack of interruption perceived as "interest". Though I relate to boys better, I've been fortunate enough to meet some ENTP/ENTJ/ENFP girls. Still, I'd love meet an INTJ, as I'd be very curious as to how that'd turn out.
Posted by: angela | January 17, 2010 at 01:35 PM
The thing I've learned from this blog is that INTJs are mostly attracted to ENTP types and a few others, but as much as we like ourselves, any two INTJs together is only awesome in theory. In reality, we spend so much time agreeing with each other and saying exactly what the other person is thinking, that once the novelty wears off, we're actually quite bored.
Posted by: Polly Poppins | January 18, 2010 at 05:07 PM
I, as you may have guessed am also an INTJ female. I can't say that I've ever knowingly met another one, but I'd definitely be curious to see how that would play out. When I read about INTJ females tending to have more male friends than female ones that made so much sense to me. At first I had contributed the fact that I was more comfortable with the guys because I had four brothers, however it makes much more sense that it is because of my personality type since all of my brothers are either +/-6 (or more)years different in age than I am.
This conversation reminds me of a time when I was in middle school. Everyone had been sitting according to sex and popularity and like all middle school talks it had eventually turned to the latest drama and the who liked who. I got so annoyed and bored with all of that ridiculous talk that I picked up my lunch tray and walked over to the boys table across the aisle and sat down. I received a lot of bewildered and incredulous stares from both tables, but I didn't care, because I was just that fed up with the "social scene". I sat there for the rest of the year because, I found that I was more at ease there. Even now at 18 I find that I am still much closer to my male friends than my female friends. It's not that I don't like them, it's just that I can only take so much of them at a time. It's a comfort to realize I'm not the only "atypical girl".
Posted by: Harmony | February 02, 2010 at 05:52 PM
Holy crap. Do you have enough INTJ female friends yet? Cause I'm another one of those INTJ non-girls and I 100% relate to this. We should take it in stride though, because it's only a by-product of our superiority. ;) Anyway, come check me out and give me a line if you (or any other NT) are interested in good conversation: http://www.myspace.com/metomorphesis
Posted by: Chloe | March 02, 2010 at 05:15 PM
Great to hear from you Chloe. My favorite friends turned out to be INTP, ENTP, INFJ, INFP, ENFP with INTJ coming in last. The problem with other INTJs is that after we get over the initial novelty of finding someone who agrees with us, we get bored. I mean, who wants to read a bunch of stuff we already thought and get agreed with all the time? Not the INTJ.
Posted by: Polly Poppins | March 03, 2010 at 11:54 AM
I have thoroughly enjoyed reading all of your posts. I can relate. For the record, I would not trade being an INTJ for anything.
Posted by: Shelley | March 19, 2010 at 01:39 PM
As a 19-year old, African American INTJ, to say my life is complex would be an understatement. Maybe it's because of the way I was brought up or maybe it's testament to the beauty of this blog but everything you fellow INTJ women have said so far is not only encouraging but comforting. Because we are such intuitive people, I must admit that I have constantly probed my own mind looking for reasons why I am the way that I am and if this is reason to try to "change" myself. Truth is, I couldn't change myself even if I wanted to. And I'm okay with that. It's as if I have finally realized that my search to be independent and unique has already been done for me. I can finally stop looking. I am unique because I am an INTJ, not the other way around. And for the first time in my life, thanks mainly to this blog, I am comfortable in my own skin. Especially being at a large university, it seems as if everyone is looking for that quality that distinguishing from the other 30,000 people they see on a daily basis. But herein lies the beauty of the female INTJ. It's already been accomplished. I have ascended the need for social ambiguities and it's perhaps the most relieving feeling I've ever had. I won't say that life is a breeze, though. I have never had a best friend; my idea of a fun Saturday night involves three men (Denzel Washington, Ben & Jerry); I cannot relate to other females; I don't need or want anyone to look after me; and, dating to me is as much a struggle as mending relations in the Middle East. BUT, I also love being so independent, lavishing in an air of my mystique, getting wonderful grades almost without struggle. Plus, the best compliment I could get (and have gotten) from men is that I'm not like everyone else. (An innate quality I've also longed to have.) And though profiles would state that an INTJ has no time for flirting, the "hard to get" role comes so naturally to us INTJ women, that men already know that it will take more than a pretty line and a smile to get my attention. We should be so proud of these qualities. In a world, where women still aren't fully equated with their male counterparts, it should be great to know that 1% of this world's population defies those odds. So to all those INTJ women out there, thank you. YOU are my inspiration. You all are the motivation I have to keep moving forward. You all are the reason that being so "different" is perhaps the best thing life could have ever bestowed upon me. Though I don't know all of you personally, the fact that I am no longer alone is all the friendship I need. Again, thank you.
Posted by: Taylor Fulton | March 21, 2010 at 09:40 AM
I'm an INTJ female. Not much to stay today - just thank god I stumbled across this blog, and the websites that relate to it. I've felt so unable to connect to anyone for years. 22 years to be exact, aka my whole life. Just really glad to hear there are others out there who just can't get over the fact that no one else makes sense! Thanks ladies. Glad you're out there, wherever you are.
Posted by: CrimsonButtercup | May 18, 2010 at 10:12 AM
INTP female, and have trouble getting along with people cause I just don't get them. I'm not really interested in the everyday crap that other people are.
Posted by: sa | May 20, 2010 at 10:18 PM
Is that what I am? A non girl? I don't have many female friends and those I do I don't understand.
I'm much happier looking in a home improvement store than a mall. The thought of shopping and gossip with "the girls" is absurd.
Posted by: Watauga | June 11, 2010 at 06:29 PM
Polly, I love your post and seek comfort in it!
Crookedfinger has summed it up perfectly for me - "You have that problem too? You mean I'm NOT a freak?" Ahh, good times.
People have always found me a little strange or at the very least "different". And I do have a lot of male friends which some believe makes me "that type of girl"! I am normally quite shy, so when a man finds me talking excessively with him, he believes I like him! I wouldn't blame him. They find it quite hard to believe that the discussion is what I am passionate about, not the person I am discussing it with!
I am also quite envious of girls who share strong bonds with other girls. I so wish I had that :) I have found a few gems! If ever there was a God, it would be to explain how they tolerate me ;-)
Cheers!
Posted by: Preeti Edul | June 28, 2010 at 04:15 AM
Polly, I love your post and seek comfort in it!
Crookedfinger has summed it up perfectly for me - "You have that problem too? You mean I'm NOT a freak?" Ahh, good times.
People have always found me a little strange or at the very least "different". And I do have a lot of male friends which some believe makes me "that type of girl"! I am normally quite shy, so when a man finds me talking excessively with him, he believes I like him! I wouldn't blame him. They find it quite hard to believe that the discussion is what I am passionate about, not the person I am discussing it with!
I am also quite envious of girls who share strong bonds with other girls. I so wish I had that :) I have found a few gems! If ever there was a God, it would be to explain how they tolerate me ;-)
Cheers!
Posted by: Preeti Edul | June 28, 2010 at 04:19 AM
NEW NERD IN TOWN:
INTJ non-girl! . . . always wondered why I got along better with guys and science majors. Too bad it took me 46 years to find out why.
Fortunately I've got the rest of my life to start new and not torment myself by spending time with people I really don't want or need to associate with.
Just wondering: Is there anyone else who dislikes the mall and spends their time there analyzing people?
Posted by: ann | July 27, 2010 at 05:19 PM
Hi,
Ran across this site today while idly Google-ing around. Thought I’d chime in.
Not to be repetitive, but I can so relate to what’s been written here. When I was young I was always quiet and shy and often perceived as being “too serious”. I don’t know if it’s harder here in the South. I’m Southern, but hardly the “belle” type. I had friends, but I was still on the periphery of the crowd, and often excluded from things without really understanding why. I wish I was more impervious to criticism, or the perception of criticism, like some people above have claimed to be. Unfortunately, I was sensitive to it and it occasionally hurt my feelings. For a while it felt like there was always somebody getting up in my face and ordering me to “SMILE!”. I always took that to be a negative judgment on the nature of my facial expression, rather than a sincere attempt to cheer me up. But I can say that I was always able to stand my ground, not trying too hard to conform, and at the end of the day I’ve always been able to come up with ways of entertaining myself and presenting myself and being myself. Understanding personality type has helped me to accept myself, and accept the fact that some others may never understand or approve of me. And just let it slide. I still struggle to create a rewarding personal and social life.
I never had that many male friends, but I did wind up in a mostly male field (IT) and I work well with guys, and the other women in this field. Lots of nice, logical people. Minimal drama.
I’ve often heard it said that our culture here in the U.S. is biased in favor of extroverted people. How often have you heard people praised for being “outgoing”? Like introverts are the spawn of the devil, or something. I also think there may be a subtle bias against the “geeky” and the “nerdy”. I wish our society had more appreciation for what thoughtful, analytical people have to offer.
Thanks for providing a venue for airing these thoughts!
Posted by: Zoe P | August 07, 2010 at 12:46 PM
Dear PP & other INTJ females in this world,
Reporting live from an ivory tower somewhere in Belgium this is a female INTJ (or so I was diagnosed on several occasions). Of course there is some truth in what you posted but let’s not forget it’s also giving away one of the many big lies or disguises and INTJ woman would use; rationality, pointing out odds and indirectly asking for confirmation. We can be scary to ‘the others’ (“L’enfer c’est les autres”) because we choose to be.
Getting up in the morning and wondering which mask you’re going to wear today is a question not every woman (or man for that matter) asks herself.
We’re not non-girls, men are scared of us (and drawn to us) because unlike most women we don’t nag about the usual, the common or the materialistic matters of the world (unless the materialism is somehow key to a theory).
Female INTJ’s weren’t meant to ‘fit in’ they were designed to understand, analyze and even pretend to be whatever the situation asks for at any given time making us the perfect devil or angel in disguise.
Being misunderstood is something we like to do to ourselves, the percentage of self-fulfilling prophecy goes through the roof and still a part of us is looking for that one ‘soulmate’ experience, The One who understands, The One who can analyze you without asking questions. That’s a nice expectation, a nice dream but the reality is; the internalized complexity can be so simple.
Actually this blog proves the point I’m about to make: stop your search for confirmation if you’re not willing to show yourself to someone being stripped down to the bone. This indirect form of confirmation will never satisfy the need within. Actually since you’re all very adaptive to the system you so despise; others are your perfect mirrors. If you’re willing to except your ‘uniqueness’ is not that unique at all but just beyond good and evil, beyond environment and genes, maybe, just maybe you can come to a point of true satisfaction.
Personalities (if you want to call them that) are not limited to 16 types linked to a true or false diagnose. You are the sum of your experience, what you do with it is completely up to you. Choices, choices… actually why choose if you can have it all without even breaking a sweat. Adaptation is a wonderful tool if you can master it. This being said, I wish you ladies an enigmatic and enlightening day.
M.K.
Posted by: Mallory Knox | August 08, 2010 at 11:30 PM
Hi!!Just discovered I'm an INTJ from a Myers-Briggs test.
Sounded kind of wried because although the NTJ are fine with me,people often think I'm an extrovert,but ones really close are very few and belive me to be an introvert,wried :P
Posted by: Mahasweta | February 18, 2011 at 10:07 PM
I too am an INTJ Female - Aries...finding incredibly brilliant men to brainstorm with is a challenge...I married an ESTJ -- well that didn't work...he stopped being interesting and I never did feel the "mind skipping brilliance" that I tend to like...
Posted by: Gloria | February 25, 2011 at 10:56 AM
Interesting that there are so many INTJ/P women here who experience difficulty fitting in. As an INTP man, I'd certainly appreciate it if there were more of you where I live! I was raised by an EFSJ (with all that entails), so the lack of emotional drama and the ability to pursue independent interests without the constant need for babysitting/validation are traits I'd find very appealing.
Posted by: Kevin Carson | March 06, 2011 at 11:32 AM
So I was asked to take the Meyers Briggs test and the result didn't surprise me: INTJ
I am a single twenty-three old in the process of applying to grad school.
I am a dead serious classical pianist.
I am very happy :)
You all have such a fantastic blog, and the odds of my coming across it so recently after I took the test is astounding. I'm following you right here right now.
Posted by: Anne | March 20, 2011 at 01:38 PM
Hello, i am a male INTJ. and i have friends, family,acquaintances, ect... but honeslty, but its lonely without any other INTJs in my life..
i'll just say it was nice to read your posts since i rarely get to hear opinions from other INTJs (females no less!) and its great, i really wish i had some female INTJ friends... most of my friends fall into the Exxx personality types >.>
Posted by: B.S. | March 31, 2011 at 03:14 PM
Was made to take the test twice (during residencies following medical school----I believe, and was told after the second test that I was an INTJ by the psychologist who muttered "a female INTJ----how interesting!" I have 7 brothers and 5 sisters; got along better with my brothers. Went to an all girl high school and joined a sorority in medical school and those were the worst years of my life). I was voted the least likely to get married in high school and by my parents, and was the declared the most poiseless female in that schools' history. I could live in a cave and not miss human contact except for the fact that my career demands human contact and am perfectly content walking with my dog, playing the piano, or doing target practice by myself. The description "weird" probably can't even start to describe me, but at my age, I am quite comfortable with whatever inane insane descriptions are hurled my way. May all of those who posted their thoughts in this blog find thensame peace I have stumbled upon.
Posted by: Leah S Trantham | April 13, 2011 at 08:55 PM
Female INTJ here, let's be BFFs! I always felt like a weirdo, glad to know there are other weird females like me. :) I have a feeling I could along with any of you women much better than 99.9% of the rest of the female population. I wish they made more like us!
Posted by: Kelly | April 23, 2011 at 07:57 AM
Wow! This was really inspiring. So I'm not the only female out here suffering after all?! Most guys are intimidated by my personality, so dating isn't much fun. I've been told forever that I have a guy's mentality, and I'd much rather hang out with males than "normal" females any day! I love snakes, the gun range, puzzles, solving problems, sports, and pretty stoic in day-to-day conversations...not your typical female eh?
Thank you all for sharing your stories, they are very encouraging to me. Finally, someone else who understands!
Posted by: Arianne | May 24, 2011 at 11:05 AM
I'm several years late to your blog post, but it cracked me up. I found out I was an INTJ when I was 17ish and felt like something in the world could finally define me better than I could define myself. Knowing & embracing my quirks (and trying to work around the ones that cast me as anti-social) has helped me get through the years. I honestly wondered if I were gay or something due to the fact that females made me a nervous wreck and not dudes. I finally realized I just can't relate to other females very well. In fact, I literally feel suffocated when I'm forced to hang out in an all-female environment. "Girls night out" is one of the scariest phrases I've ever heard.
I definitely have female friends (mostly ENFP's), but they're exceptions to the rule. I'm curious if hanging out with other INTJ women is actually more acceptable...it seems to me that even then, the two of us would rather be hanging out with dudes heh.
It sucks that we're so rare & awesome and so many of us are single! I'm 29 and thankful that being alone isn't stressful to me, because I'm very likely to stay single forever. I'm not built for casual dating.
Posted by: Mindy | May 29, 2011 at 02:54 PM
some 4 years later!!! another INTJ non-girl here and this post (and follow up comments) are GREAT. I've taken the test 3 times in the last 10 years or so, and I am always an INTJ...I keep thinking maybe I'll evolve into something more socially acceptable (lol) but no such luck. I am 39 and reminded daily that people don't think, act or process like me. Rembering that I am not warm and fuzzy and not feeling bad about it, thats a challenge.
Cheers to all the NON_GIRLS!
Posted by: Rene | June 23, 2011 at 10:39 AM
***I am an INTJ male, with polar NTJ scores. I've taken the test 7 or 8 times over the last decade in order to ensure the authors of the original test I used weren't mistaken. I can relate to pretty much everything that has been said in this thread. I have always been very rational ,very precise and, well, quite direct. I remember during my adolescence I would occasionally end up in arguments with other males, and...would make them cry! I am talking about surfers, jocks, guys you would consider to be men's men, crying! The first time it happened I was shocked, I couldn't believe a guy could cry about an argument. Then it happened again... and again. One time I got into an argument with a girl I was housesharing with. She said I was like a monster, she said it was like I wasn't even human. And so for a long time I kept a low profile, and wondered what the hell was wrong with me. Then one day work asked all employees to take the mbti. This cleared up a lot of things. I have since learned to turn down the degree of truth with which I present statements.
I completely understand the need to produce a dose of surface conformity at work, and possibly also in social situations. It helps to avoid conflict, saves time, and above all, avoids further investigation. I used to find that I was always being investigated. People wanted to know my ideas on everything, it was tiring and there was nothing in it for me. So I learnt to keep a low profile, fly under the radar, observe from the sidelines.
...but it's also pretty damn tiring having to constantly create a social construct, a new me ontop of the real me, in order to present society with the person they are looking for/expecting. As I hate fake, there is a large part of me that finds the idea repulsive...but at the same time, there is a part of me - the logical, disconnected part - that enjoys being totally detached from the person I am presenting. I guess in a way, employing surface conformity is somewhat sociopathic in nature.
As for relationships, I have never gone out with an INTJ woman (or met one). It does interest me though, I often wonder whether 2 INTJ's would make a great, or horrendous, match. I find INTJ's to be extreme in nature - our makeup is not 50% thinking - 50% feeling. Rather, it is primarily thinking. Feeling, well that side is only alive around the few people we are close with. So what would it be like for 2 INTJ's to bond? Would our like nature's reinforce each other, or repel? I think as Polly mentioned earlier, quite possibly the novelty would wear off after the honeymoon period and all that would be left is a mirror of ourselves...yawn. But then again, I would truly value the loyalty of an INTJ woman, it's something I have never found - maybe because I always compare the flimsy loyalty of others to that of myself which can only be broken by death. Another great advantage is the fact that our communication would be in sync (for once), and further, she would understand my needs, my desires, my modus operandi - because they would be hers too.
But I think the thing I would value the most about an INTJ woman would be her strength of character. A weak spine is something I cannot tolerate for very long, it is my kryptonite. I have been out with a few non-TJ's, and I found myself constantly having to hold myself back. The girl I went out with for the longest was probably an 'F'. She was an amazing woman in many ways but her application of logic was very low (she wasn't stupid, she was just a feeler), and I battled with this. I felt that, before we had started going out, I was playing the game of life pretty damn well, then we joined forces and she was constantly letting down the team. Many many times I held my tongue but eventually the monster inside me would slip out, just a little, and would ask in it's most measured voice, "Why on earth did you do xyz when you could have just done abc?" We went out for quite a while, and as these occasions continued to arise she started to feel a pressure to perform, a pressure I did not realize I was exerting. Eventually she told me that she did not think she could live up to my expectations, that my standards were too high. I did not realize I had even given her standards to live up to.
Posted by: Andrew | July 07, 2011 at 03:08 AM
INTJ female here. You should search up the intj forum on google. There a lot of females like us, intj, intp, infj. So check it out. :)
Posted by: AkaruiRain | August 05, 2011 at 12:26 AM
Hello, world. INTJ female from Philippines.
Posted by: KendiKalyeKiss | August 23, 2011 at 06:51 AM
:) all of this sounds very familiar...
I have always gotten along with the guys, and my few close friends tell me "dude, you have the mind of a guy!" (which is odd to many because I have very soft feminine face and physique) and my best friend affectionately calls me "the cold-hearted bitch." It doesn't bother me.
In terms of relationships, I have found that I can't date guys my age. They bore me, more often than not can't carry a conversation worth having, IF they even get the courage to come talk to me. I have found that guys who are already serious and established in their careers etc. are a much better choice, though I like it if they can also be spontaneous. I won't date a guy unless I think he could challenge me mentally or help me learn something new.
Posted by: Creed | September 14, 2011 at 08:54 PM
Aloha! Very interesting stories and comments from all you INTJ people. I'm also an INTJ woman and the things people are describing I really relate to. I am reading that a lot of INTJ women are seen as being a bit more masculine, or intimidating because of the straightforwardness. I often have trouble relating to women, and feel much more comfortable in the company of men. I really like girls, and wish I had more 'girlfriends' to laugh with, talk about relationships, etc. But I can't get close to them because they feel like another species! I can try to fake the frivolous talk (which MOSTLY involves their friends and families interpersonal bs, or worse- their dog...) but before I can break through the barrier and become more than an acquaintance, I get bored and want to go hang out with the guys who are talking about stimulating topics like computer programming, politics, news, or scientific research. It is very disappointing that women only seem to be able to relate to each other through talking about social, or emotional issues. I am in college, and wanting to talk about classwork outside of "it's hard, boring, or I just don't get it" is like talking to a brick wall. I might as well just label myself as a know-it-all bitch from the start, and save trouble later. Because I know that the way I think is more stereotypically masculine, and often intimidates people I try to balance it by playing up my looks as much as I can be bothered. I don't own any t-shirts, mostly wear dresses, or halter tops and jeans, keep my hair very long, and wear makeup most days. The impression from men is that I'm a rare, logical, intellectually challenging, straight-forward, girl with sex appeal. They must find me refreshing, and I get pretty well accepted in even the most dedicated guy gatherings. It sucks because I feel like I always have to 'act' to not be offensive to people of either gender. I can't be too pushy, or aggressive with the guys, or they will think I'm a bitch and I can't be too confident or logical with the women who fit in by having low self-esteem contests. Like the "I'm fat. No you're not, I'm fat"...or the "Sorry. No, I'M sorry..No, no it was me, I'M SORRY" ..Those go on for 20 minutes (gag). ...When I do find women I get along with well, they are usually VERY extroverted with LOTS of friends and are performer types. I've also gravitated to people with ADD. Maybe it's because their minds work faster which makes them very engaging. :) So rare INTJ women UNITE!! We can be sexy, and smart, and have a LOT to offer because of our unique combination of traits. Let's be friends!
Posted by: Dee | September 30, 2011 at 04:07 AM
I am an INTJ female! I read that INTJ is the rarest personality type for females and that made me feel unique! :) I didn't have many friends in middle school because I was too "weird," but as I entered high school I learned to act at least semi normal. I am now a senior and I am coming to terms with who I am and I am proud to be "weird."
Quick Question: Anyone else an INTJ female and diagnosed with OCD?
Posted by: Allie | October 21, 2011 at 01:28 PM
I am also an INTJ female. Apparently, we are expected to experience some type of conflict, since we don’t comply with traditional gender stereotypes. I, however, experience no conflict at all. I do not care what society expects of me. I live my life exactly the way I want to and I refuse to apologise for it. I was wondering if other INTJ females feel the same way I do.
Posted by: Carla | November 19, 2011 at 10:30 AM
I think the "refusing to apologize for it" reflects the conflict. It's not so much that INTJ females are conflicted about who they are or how they should be as that they are aware of not complying with traditional gender stereotypes and, because of this, sometimes find those who expect them to conform to be put out by their lack of conformity. The INTJ female isn't conflicted about who she is, but many of the people she will interact with will experience a conflict, one the INTJ usually refuses to play into. INTJs in general will feel both annoyed and perplexed when they are cast as "wrong" for behaving reasonably and rationally.
So the conflict, is much more about having to deal, or steadfastly refuse to deal, with other people's expectations rather than being at odds with the INTJs own principles. INTJs defining characteristic is personal integrity, which by definition precludes internal conflict because ideals and actions are in complete harmony.
Posted by: Polly Poppins | November 20, 2011 at 10:50 AM
As a fifteen year old INTJ girl, it's been extremely difficult to relate to any of my peers. Despite the fact that I "look like an anime character", the boys cannot objectify me due to aforementioned INTJ qualities and the girls think I'm an alien. Being a martial artist doesn't help either. Living in a family of SJs is hard, as most of them don't understand me and constantly criticise me for being antisocial, stubborn or even uncaring. Another challenge was being a Christian and having to put up with a very extroverted-feeling culture that marginalised people like me. All this time I've thought I was just a freak but after my INFJ male friend got me to take the MBTI, I've been searching online for others like me an it's so encouraging to know I'm not alone!
Posted by: KY | November 23, 2011 at 12:54 AM
Throughout high school, my female friends would tell me that I was an oddball and my male friends would tell me that I was intimidating. My mother always told me that I needed to be more feminine.
When I found out I was an INTJ it was like all the puzzle pieces came together.
Somehow I found myself another INTJ female for a roomie (honestly-- what are the odds?) and we get along splendidly, probably because we're the same brand of weirdness and can have extended intellectual conversations.
I've found myself quite a few xNTx female friends in college. We're a tight circle and I've been very blessed. Outside of this circle of friends, though, my personality tends to throw people off. I look like a girl, but I sure don't act like one. I've never dated because as a female my personality just isn't conducive to dating.
I'm graduating in a semester and not particularly looking forward to forced interactions with the normal population.
Being an INTJ female is a tough walk... but when I look at other females in their fake cutesiness, mindlessness, and dependency on the male species... I can't really say I'm jealous.
Posted by: Kelly | December 03, 2011 at 07:07 PM
No, we are not conflicted about who we are. In fact, I daresay, introspectively, we are actually quite proud of who we are.
But it is lonely, so very lonely. The older I become, the mo,re I realize I "do not fit." To everyone else, I am a puzzle that needs to be put together "correctly." What they fail to realize is that the puzzle is already complete and displays a beautiful picture.
It is finding someone...anyone...who sees and (the ultimate dream) understands that picture, finding admiration and respect for the inner strength and uniqueness it represents.
Personal integrity. I can echo that as being my "defining characteristic."
Posted by: Silk | December 21, 2011 at 11:40 AM
P.S. Andrew, if you subscribe to this thread, I would like to discuss your thoughts further. I think it would be fascinating to see how the communication would develop with an INTJ male.
Posted by: Silk | December 21, 2011 at 05:06 PM
This is all so interesting.
I am pretty obviously an intj, but as I get older (into my late teens) I'm noticing that I'm shifting ever so slightly toward infj.
I have the introverted tendency, the perceived "social awkwardness" (closeness and small talk do not come easily), and the judgment-oriented thought process, but it seems I have a few strange quirks that don't fit the intj mold.
For one, I almost always have girl friends. I think the issue is that I can't detect flirting to save my life, so close friendships with guys make me nervous.
Also, I'm steadily becoming more "girly." It may help that my sister is basically my polar opposite, and I've taken some cues from her. I really dislike being the "weird serious girl," and I think the introverted part of my personality drives me to try and be "normal" just so I don't stick out.
Finally, I tend not to display the intj bluntness about my opinions. I really, really dislike confrontation and drama, and I think keeping my empathy turned on 24/7 is the way I've learned to cope. Of course, that also means that I overthink just about every social interaction. I was talking to a friend about how to flirt, and she said that I just "really overthink it." This last bit seems to be swinging back and forth between the f and t descriptions, but ultimately I think I match the intj type better overall.
I do envy girls with close relationships. I'm lucky enough to have a few close friends, but I definitely have to make a conscious effort to keep things going. And the idea of dating scares me. I'd love a relationship, but I have no idea how to flirt or act like the beautiful life-of-the-party type girl that guys seem to be after.
Posted by: Intj girl | December 23, 2011 at 03:23 AM
INTJ women are the equivalent of male INFPs. I feel you on this post.
Posted by: steve | December 27, 2011 at 11:05 AM
HHIS I should have tohuhgt of that!
Posted by: Zaylin | January 03, 2012 at 01:12 AM
I agree with almost everything you guys have said, but I don't feel like a "non-girl". True, I like my hoodies, but I expect to be treated like a woman. You know, waiting for the males in your group to open the door for you, ext. I am proud to be a woman! (especially a rare INTJ, at that!) I guess that comes with the self-confidence of our type..
I have always wondered what it would be like to date a male INTJ. My brother is an ENFP and I cannot stand his energy and way of thinking. Are you sure opposites attract?
Posted by: Holly | January 04, 2012 at 12:03 PM
Hey im an INTP female and find it refreshing to see that there may actually be others like me! Since an early age Ive been trying to figure out why I feel so different and out of place... Ive been attributing it to the fact that I am an Aries, and a middle child lol but i think that this personality defines me the best... I get aggravated amidst women talking about their shopping trips and such as if its so life changing to find an outfit "to die for" and spread the word, I hate when im at work and listen to several people discuss a problem for hours only to finally get to a resolution i saw so obviously in my head from the get-go (which i try to bring up early on in the convo, but they either had no listening skills, liked to hear themselves talk, or just didnt get it.... ), and I dont appreciate it when people force conversation upon me when im quite content to be quiet and still....
Posted by: JILL | February 08, 2012 at 07:50 PM
Aloha Dee (September 30, 2011 post),
I'm in Honolulu and Kaneohe if you'd ever like to meet up.
I tested out as INTJ. When I read the description on typelogic, I found myself laughing at the descriptions in the INTP as well, like the compulsion since childhood to correct people's prescriptive grammar and semantics, and obsession with correctness!
Same thing you guys said in the thread. Once in 9th grade, I had people calling me a lesbian and throwing food at me during lunchtime.
Around 10th grade, a friend from a private Catholic school had a lesbian classmate who actually asked me out. It didn't bother me that she did, and I was actually flattered that I was interesting to someone from the other team.
I attended college at a University, and soon found boredom sinking in. I attributed it to being out of high school and then not understanding the college/university culture and mentality. Took the core classes, and did poorly; probation followed, as did suspension (3x). Finally at a community college I found what kept my interest - it is a male-dominated field of mechanics. I went back to school over 10 years later and got a degree in medical laboratory science. My first job in high school was a file clerk in a doctors' office, where I learned about laboratory science. I kept many medical field jobs over the 20 or so years of working life.
Ohhhh, I'm on to something here.
I don't keep in touch with my 4 girlfriends from high school, though we tried to keep it going. I attributed it to our different schedules, 3 being married, 3 of us having a child or children, and one's health issues.
All during this time, I never thought of myself as introverted, but as I am getting older and raising a child, boy do I need those times of solitude!
Once a person I thought was a friend told me that [i]I'd make a good husband to someone.[/i] because I was either removing/replacing something in the car or the washing machine. I found that comment curious and gave it no more thought.
I'm still single, and a girl friend told me that she realized I didn't understand the "rules" of dating, so she tried to explain things to me of how you bait and trap. I was listening to her and thinking that I didn't see the point to all that effort. Eventually, she said she didn't realize that I didn't know there were even rules, patted my knee and said that's why I'm not married.
It never crossed my mind that I should be. People tell me I don't have a boyfriend because I haven't met the right one yet. When I ask what the benefits of having a boyfriend or husband are, they give me what I take as a knowing look that I'm supposed to understand. I see having a boyfriend or husband as someone who will interrupt my time doing things I want to do (not that I have a lot of time anyhow). I thought the benefit would be that he could take my child to go do something, and I could be home alone with my hobbies.
Words that come out of my mouth quite often to my 5th grade extrovert child (I think he's ESFP, and such may be part of the ADHD issue which frustrate him and drive me to insanity) are, "I don't follow the logic" (because there is flawed logic), "You have to give me background information because I don't understand what you're trying to tell me." (You get the idea)
I think that's enough for now.
Thank you, all, for having this site, as well as posting your experiences.
Posted by: Hsieu | February 12, 2012 at 01:08 AM
Philippines. INTJ girl. Met an ENTP guy who is amazing, fabulous, brilliant but pushy and annoying (force-of-habit manipulative). (ENTP is the shadow of INTJ. INTJ girl made a sordid mess of scheming and disclosing it to ENTP guy who bears the brunt of the con.
Never, never apply INTJ vision-building faculties on people's lives and their feelings.
INTJ girl will now retreat back to her objective world of concepts, ideas, complex issues, wicked problems, and the gamut of PoMo Sarkarian Sadvipra shiznitz whatsoever.
"I don't wanna be a Marquise Merteuil. I want to be Queen Seon Deok."
Scenarios:
1. ENTP guy will become indifferent to INTJ girl.
2. ENTP guy will stay indifferent as INTJ girl "white-scheme" a project where Extroverted Thinking (Te) can complement ENTP guy's legit plans.
3. Or let's pray for a miracle that ENTP guy would want to take INTJ girl back into the fold. But ENTP guy is now aware that different set of rules should apply to INTJ girl. INTJ girl and ENTP guy in an effort-full existence of doing good while being constantly bombarded of evil ideas and effortlessly imagining evil plans. PAINFUL PARADOX is BEAUTY.
Posted by: KendiKalyeKiss | February 15, 2012 at 03:58 AM
I am an INTJ male and would love to meet a INTJ female. In reality I would love to meet another INTJ period, I have made dating websites based on briggs personality profile and not a single INTJ has been there, I have tons of other profiles but no INTJ. Seems scary sometimes,feeling thinking as one poster put it the lonely kid on the play ground of life, but I have had fun along this little journey even though seldom have I ran across people that can even remotely get what I am thinking about.
Posted by: Scott | March 04, 2012 at 12:25 AM
I just found out I am an INTJ yesterday. It was like my life finally made sense when I looked back on it. I am 23, and just graduated from a Commerce degree with only 1 friend made at uni. I have other friends, but its like one friend here or there, not a big group. I would love to have some friends that I can relate to, and not just be completely bored with and feel like I don't belong.
I consider myself attractive - I am a relatively tall, blonde girl, and have always wondered why people just don't talk to me. I wouldn't say I am a "girly-girl" but I do wear stilletos with short dresses when I go out clubbing, but there is always something that doesn't add up when I look at what I am wearing compared to other girls.
I don't enjoy talking to "girly" girls, but my ESFJ mother always pushes me to make new girl friends, so to keep her happy, I have always tried to be friendly and feel I put in a decent effort to make friends, but I always revert back to hanging out with guys because girls end up infuriating me.
So when I found out I was INTJ, I jumped on Google and began to browse the forums. It is very comforting to know there are others out there like me - although I feel privileged to be part of such an exclusive (and elusive!) club :)
PS. I am in Sydney, Aus.
Posted by: Sonja | March 08, 2012 at 08:39 PM
I'm an INTJ female. I'm getting married to an ENTP in a couple months. In my early 20s, (am now 28) I thought I was INTP until I eventually learned that I would rather strive for something and get it, than be content to understand it. That's what happened with my relationship. Once I understood personality theory I actually decided I would like an ENTP. So I got to know the first one I met, liked him, and luckily he asked me out. He is my best friend.
I like learning about INTJ females, in theory. But when it comes down to it, I'm not sure I would benefit from knowing any. My best friendships have been with people who had different personalities.
Posted by: Lisa83 | March 21, 2012 at 11:16 AM
I want to respond to some of the comments about the balance between being yourself and meeting expectations of your femininity.
I think if you are having trouble with that balance, it is best to change the way you are looking at it. (Note: if you are an INTJ, that is one of the things you do best)
The problem with the view of you vs. meeting expectations is that you have not specified whose expectations you are talking about and why they matter. So who does matter? If you have a boyfriend or husband, ask him if there is anything you can do to change your appearance or demeanor. Maybe he'll say "nothing." or maybe he'll say "I like when you wear that red dress" or "I wish you could tone down the sarcasm", or maybe he'll say something stupid like "get a boob job". But if you only have a vague notion of something you should do, that is such a confused and inefficient way of going through life. If you are a Rational, be rational. That doesn't mean not pleasing other people, it means finding out whether those people matter in the first place and getting the truth.
Posted by: Lisa83 | March 21, 2012 at 11:31 AM
his thread was so refreshing to read. I am an INTj and I get along awful with other women. I just don't "get" it if you know what I mean - the small talk, the gossip, the hierarchies, etc. I prefer males who will be upfront with me. It is a bit awkward since I am married, but my husband does not mind me tagging along to socialize in his male circles. I also have a few close gay male friends, and my husband is ok if I socialize with other dudes from time to time. INTJs are so loyal I guess you can make different "rules" for them, lol. My husband is an ESTp who acts a lot like an ESTj...we both score very low "p" and high "J" (60%/40%) so maybe that mutable part of our type makes us compatible.
As for being feminine - I come off "visually" as being very "soft" and dress very feminine, but people freak out when they get to know the "real me" I have an edgy side in there - lol - and will not candy coat what I mean when I talk. Such directness often lands me in trouble - but I think mostly because people were expecting "something else" - a sweet, caring, soft-spoken girly type.
Posted by: tlynn | April 24, 2012 at 11:01 AM
Oops - I should have proofread that. I meant my husband scores high J and I score low J - I sometimes test as an INTP. Which can be even more confusing than being an INTJ - I have my organized side, and I have my procrastinating side which I hate.
Posted by: tlynn | April 24, 2012 at 11:05 AM