Put on the Bad Guy Hat

Most people prefer to be the good guy. I got over it.

I'm not advocating being a jerk. Far from it. Just don't be nice. Sometimes the kindest, most decent thing you can do for someone you never want to see again is to give them a justifiable reason to hate you. Consider it a parting gift.

Do something daring: accept the blame. Give up the moral high ground.

Repeat after me: it is finished.

It will hurt. But the reality is, it won't hurt you. Sticking around out of pity on the other hand, that's not just bad for your soul, it could murder your self-respect, and be about as pretty as a cat in a blender. News Flash: the injured party will still hate you in the morning. Or even worse still, you'll still be there in the morning.

Ack.

Let's face it, if matter can neither be created nor destroyed, neither can grief, and someone has to be the one to cry. No matter what, when you're the one who wants to call it quits, that someone isn't going to be you.

So put on the bad guy hat. You might be surprised to find that it fits. Try it. Just tell yourself, "okay, I'm the jerk, whatever, but this Band Aid is coming off" and take that mighty tug, armhair be damned.

In other words: get it over with.

When all is said and done, your overwhelming feeling will not be guilt. I promise. You will feel relief. Especially if you end the "it's not me, it's you" conversation with stern instructions about no further contact and explain the legal definition of stalking.

I can hear what you're thinking: But, Polly, someone out there in the world will hate me.

Really? My heart beats peanut butter for you.

You're the bad guy, remember? You don't care. Someone still hates you because of something you did in junior high. And if no one hates you from junior high, then you probably owe the universe a wedgy or two. You're all paid up, take your freebie now. [On the other hand, if you got through junior high on a wave of unconditional love, well, consider that wave crested because the rest of us not only hate you, but we resent you, too.]

What's one more enemy?

Everyone looks good in a black hat. Even chinless hicks. And don't give me a bunch of hoot-n-holler about not owning a black cowboy hat. It's a metaphor. There is no need for a literal hat. Just gird your loins and resolve that you will break a heart. Don't get weepy. That heart will mend. Probably with your best friend.

Seriously.

The bad guy hat isn't something you need to wear every day. As a matter of fact, you can keep it on a shelf in the darkest corner of your closet, right next to the Kangol you thought was a good idea in 1985. Because, like the Kangol, you never know when it will be a good look again.

Just don't let it get too dusty. I recommend storing it in sterilite. And, remember, the bad guy hat is not a bride's maid dress, you really can wear it for more than just the one occasion. Try it at work, with your family, or in church. You might be surprised at its versatility.

Some might say that I'm a cold-hearted bitch woman. I choose to believe that by putting on the bad guy hat, I'm just being the change I want to see in the world.

Comments

[White Rabbit]

That's some sound pastoral advice. When you try to please everyone, nobody is happy, including yourself.

[Erica]

Oh, sometimes I'm a bit envious of the stronger bitch streak. There is no bad guy hat in my closet. I keep looking for it, but never can find it. Maybe I'll have to borrow yours one of these days.

[Polly Poppins]

I've been known to lend my bad guy hat out on occasion, usually coupled with a double of tequila. The tequila makes it fit better.

[groovy girl]

FYI Kangol is a brand name and its time to break it out.

[Polly Poppins]

In the eighties the Kangol brand was synonymous with a certain style of hat. There was even a rapper called The Kangol Kid who had a duel going with another rapper called Roxanne. I remember when their albums, as well as rap itself and the Kangol brand, were new. Now they are classic, vintage, and old school and often sampled, uncredited, by Beyonce and others.

I am that old.