Darth Dateable

Okay for all of the single nerdy-geek females out there who are looking for straight love, I've got the answer to your problems. You see, over the course of the last ten years, I've worked out a system for finding a nerdy-geek guy. (I don't think my system works for finding nerdy-geek girls, for that I suggest you join the local chapter of LGBT and go to the symposiums. Easy-peasy.) But the single nerdy-geek guy tends to both work a lot and engage in either solitary or man-geek pursuits that, well, just don't attract the honeys.

You've got to have a plan.

Lucky for you, I've got your plan right here.

Go to the nearest bookstore. You want a bookstore, not a library. Make your way to the fiction area. Keep your eyes peeled. First good looking guy you see in the sci-fi section, grab him. That's your new boyfriend.

Unless he's wearing a size twelve wedding ring. Then that's Mr. Poppins and I advise you to stay at least ten feet away or I might have to stomp on your head.

Seriously, I do not want to do prison time. But I will. I've watched some Prison Break and if those yahoos can escape in less than two seasons, I'm confident I can, too.

But back to the sci-fi. You have to be patient. Really patient. There are bound to be a few guys who look like they've never seen daylight. And a few guys who look like they dwell under a bridge. And at least one guy who smells suspiciously like urine. You want to avoid the bridge-dwellers and bed wetters. They are not who you are looking for. On the other hand, if you see a pasty-boy nerdy-geek, who needs little more than a Queer Eye makeover to make him presentable, I say you should seriously consider him. Most nerdy-geeks are fine with having someone else pick out their clothes and choose their hairstyle. They can even be convinced to lose, or at least groom, the facial hair for the right someone. Especially if that someone provides human-on-human sex on a regular basis.

Now let's talk about what you should do when you find your man. Well, he's probably not in tune with subtle hints. He also might not want to risk bothering you by acknowledging your existence. Don't be daunted. Just go up to him and say, "hi, I think I might be your new girlfriend; can you help me confirm that rumor? Maybe snopes?" The nerdy-geek may respond quite literally, "no, I don't remember dating you, sorry" or, if he's one of the better dressed specimens, "I'm taken, but not by you."

Let's address the latter response first. Don't just give up immediately because you meet a little opposition. Maybe the geek in question is unhappily taken. That's how I got Mr. Poppins, and for that matter, that's how Mr. Poppins got me. So you should just ask, "How's that going?" Geek's usually find it impossible not to answer a direct question, even it the answer they give tends toward overly detailed and meandering. So listen closely, or you may miss the point. Once you figure out what that is, it's time to make a decision. If his current relationship is going great, then cut your losses. If, on the other hand, it is going not-so-great, your geek may be looking for a way out. You are just the nudge he needs. Offer to buy him a friendly cup of coffee. Say it like this, "please let me buy you a cup of coffee." Phrase the offer exactly this way. Verbatim. Do not ask it as a question, or even let your voice lift in an implied question, but state it confidently as a direct request.

Remember the please. Most geeks will automatically say yes to a polite, unambiguous, direct request from a female that does not hinge on their opinion or involve carpooling. So remember the wording. Use it. See what happens.

Now if your chosen nerdy-geek is single, don't expect that you can just grab him by the shirt and take him home. Although that sometimes works. Still, I recommend a gentler approach. Try talking to him. Expect the conversation to be awkward at first. It can take a while for a geek to get comfortable enough to break out the dry wit and the rough-hewn charm. If all else fails, you may have to bring the conversation around to Linux. Give him a chance. Give him your phone number. Get his phone number. If he doesn't call you in a day or two, call him. Remind him that he is your boyfriend. Tell him that the two of you have plans to visit the nearest aero-space museum. This will work. While touring said museum, be prepared to outline your expectations of him as your boyfriend. Spare no detail. He will appreciate your candor.

If you have trouble finding a nerdy-geek in the sci-fi stacks, you may have to move your net over to the engineering area, or even the aforementioned aero-dynamics. But since a lot of geeks shop amazon, you could still come up empty, in which case you'll have to get creative. With that in mind, I advise you not to rule out conventions, such as E3 and Comicon.

There are a lot of nerdy-geeks at conventions. You want to choose a geek who is not in costume. His friends can be in costume; that's okay. But your geek should be dressed as a civilian. It's fine if he knows a few words and phrases in Klingon or Elvish, but he should not be fluent.

I recommend you avoid Renaissance Faires unless you want to dress up as Maid Marion. But if you already have a period costume, then you're probably already attending the faires. In that case you should have a bagged your geek already. I imagine snagging a man at a Renaissance Faire to be about as easy as shooting fish in a barrel.

But if you go to the faires alone and go home alone, despite flirting like a harlot, well, let's talk about that.

I don't want to be too personal, but you should consider having your eyebrows waxed. And if the esthetician says "lip, too" as if it's obvious, your answer should be "yes." Even if you're afraid it will hurt.

Let me let you in on a little secret: you might not have the sticking power to lose those last sixty-or-so nagging pounds but that doesn't mean you can't be pretty. You may want to consider watching a few makeover shows. If the people getting made over look better before the makeover than you do now, you've got to get serious. Ditto if you can't see what's wrong with the way the makeover-ee looked in their before shot.

Maybe you should just send me a picture. I'll let you know what you need. Seriously, I once made over a 28 year-old-virgin (with the help of The Dol) and he lost his celibate status (without the help of The Dol) within a few months. And he didn't even have to leave the house. I'm sure his roommate was, ahem, not happy.

Back to attracting a nerdy-geek.

I know that many of you are under the impression that the male should approach the female. What you need to know is: maybe he can't. Why? Because maybe he is a little afraid of you. If you worked together on, say, a software project, he could manage over time to invite you to lunch. But most nerdy-geeks aren't known for unabashed sexual aggression. So introduce yourself. Do not be coy. I'm not saying you should hump his leg or anything, just be upfront about the fact that you like him in that way. Think of most nerdy-geeks as running DOS. Say something like, "I think we would have fun if we went on a date to the aero-space museum this Saturday at around 1 o'clock in the afternoon. Where should we meet?" The more specific you can be, the better the conversation will go.

The dateable nerdy-geek is an elusive creature. The statistics don't lie. But they aren't unicorns. You can find one, and a good one at that, if you try.

P.S. Stay tuned for Darth Dateable Part II when I tackle the question of internet dating.

Comments

[The Dol]

Ok, I always tell this story, but I'll tell it again because some of you haven't known Polly for very long. When Polly and I were freshmen in college, I was a little shy and reserved (INFJ here, pleased to meet you!). I had broken up with my high school boyfriend and had yet to snag one of the three straight boys on campus. Toward the end of the year, there was a music festival on campus, and we had all sorts of people floating around who hadn't been there before. Polly told me it was my chance. I said something about not wanting to go up to some strange guy, blah, blah, blah. Polly said, "Just grab one." Then she showed me how to do it. She actually just grabbed a cute guy as he walked past--by the arm (she isn't a total perv). And, I kid you not, he followed her around all weekend and I think she had to tell him she was leaving on a mission or something to get rid of him. It was truly one of the biggest aha! moments for me. I never quite grabbed anyone as brazenly as Polly did, but I got a hell of a lot braver after that. Polly really knows how to work the girlie mojo.

[Liza]

Polly, i'm laughing laughing laughing here! what a great post! Do you harbor a secret desire to take over that show 'what not to wear'? and help people turn their lives around?

[Insider]

That is a great post ! You're so witty.

Haha, looks like I'm not the only INFJ reading this blog. I wonder why.

:-( It's a shame that my english isn't better, I could have said something interesting.

[Liza]

ALSO - if anyone should read this post and decide they would like to go for the nerdy, but great guy - please let me know! I work with one - he is so smart and funny and cool... but clearly needs a woman to take him shopping! I'm sponsoring him for the Polly-Poppins-Date-A-Nerd show...

[Diosa]

I love my geek. I never understood the jock or bad boy attraction some women are afflicted by. A man needs to have some spine but in my experience they can be taught that too. Sometimes I think I did too well in socially educating my husband. He actually enjoys public speeking now and has half a closet full of suits, sports jackets and ties. He even pays attention to fashion trends for men and what might look good on him. And I swear he's not gay.

[kelly]

Dude. You are totally preaching to my choir here! I've been grabbing and pestering the nerd boys I've liked for years. Your system works and I'd vouch for it any day!

[Polly Poppins]

Dear Dol, I love that story. To this day, I am just relieved that it worked.

Dear Liza, while I think I would do well hosting a makeover show. But I fear, with my INTJ jeans & t-shirt ways, there are days when I would be a good candidate for a makeover myself. Send your nerd to me and I will return marriage material to you.

Diosa, as always, I like your style. Teaching a man how to have spine seems counterintuitive and yet you've managed nicely.

Kelly, welcome aboard! Thanks for vetting my system. I like that in a person.

[Bookgirl]

Liza, Any chance your nerd lives in the New York metro area? I'm willing to put Polly's theory to work.

Although I do have to admit, I went through a stage where I was all the rage with engineers, and I never managed to make it through a whole date without either a facial tic or openly obvious boredom...

[little white liar]

Oh God, I wish you had posted this a couple of years ago. I WORKED in a bookstore and hung around all the wrong sections. I dated a guy I met in the military history shelves. A couple of fumbling BJs later, I learn about his wife and kids. I need nerds.

[Polly Poppins]

My poor, poor LWL, it seems that you've met my ex-husband. Oh, well. Live and learn.

[Liza]

AH! LWL, so sorry...that is just wrong... should this be a lesson to everyone not to date men who spend too much time in the military history section?

[Liza]

So, Polly, I have SUCH a wonderful nerdy man that works with me. As I mentioned, he is very very intelligent and has a great sense of humor, but isn't exactly 'sexy' - red hair with off-color shirts, glasses, etc. Can't you think of something to help him? I want him to be happy! (but he doesn't know that i've placed him on the market)...

[Liza]

Bookgirl - i JUST saw your note! my wonderful nerd friend IS in NYC! oooh! I'm so excited, let's set up a blind-date. I have to tell you - he is an engineer, but not boring at all, he is a lot of fun. What do you think?

[Polly Poppins]

Well Liza & Bookgirl, looks like you two have a lot to talk about.

[The Model]

I've got an awesome, successful, nerd brother who I'm putting on the market as well. He's 25, 6'2", not half bad looking, brilliant, hysterically good sense of humor, and lives in the LA area. You might be more likely to find him in the philosophy section than the sci-fi section, and you'd find him at a lot of concerts (most recently, Coachella) as he's a huge music nerd. Cons are: still lives with our mother (and her boyfriend), but it's more of a situation where she lives with him (he pays the bills, etc) so you can spin that as he loves and takes care of his mother; and he's never had a girlfriend, but we were homeschooled and he went on to the male nerd-dominated field of computer programming, so opportunities for meeting girls have been rather limited, and it also means he's a blank canvas. But, I think Polly's approach would totally work on him (particularly the part about Linux), and he doesn't even need that much of a Queer Eye makeover as I've worked on him some already.

I was always a bit afflicted by the "cool guy/bad boy" thing (tattooed, rock-star types), but I got over that when I met The Supermodel. He's all Ralph Lauren wholesome but not in a naive way -- my mother used to call him The All-American Teen Dream (amusing, given he's not American) -- and I've finally succumbed to the fact that he has better taste than me in clothes and decorating. Speaking of Queer Eye, he even used to be close friends with Carson Kressley, and yet he is certifiably straight as an arrow. You know, the old "he's not gay, he's European!"

[The Dol]

Model, I have met that brother of yours and he is a diamond in the rough. He is so sweet, so smart, and doesn't seem to be on heroin or anything like that (my standards seem really low when I re-read that). And he's a cutie! He doesn't have any weird physical drawbacks. He reminds me of a particular boyfriend I had many years ago, before Mr. Dol, who was breathtakingly brilliant, witty, and cute. He just didn't get out much--you know, he spent time playing those fantasy card games and writing programming code (for fun, I mean).

[Bookgirl]

Liza, I say set it up. According to Polly's theory, it might be best to not let him know he's on the market just yet. He'll figure it out once we set up the date. ( :

[little white liar]

Drat, I returned too late! The NYC guy got snapped up. Any eligibles in the Sydney, Australia area? (Geek Girl relocates.) I'll only be in LA on a layover for two hours, and I'm sure The Dol's brother deserves more attention than that.