WWPD???

Let me introduce the "see, hear, speak no evil" frogs that live on my desk right under my monitor. I like to keep them close. They were a gift from an ex-boyfriend of The Dol's who saw them and remembered that I collect frogs. Only I don't collect frogs, never have, but I used to collect turtles. I have more than enough turtles now, so I don't even collect them anymore. Not that I ever intended to collect turtles in the first place. But when we were in college, The Dol (always The Dol) had a pair of turtle earrings I openly coveted right before Christmas. I am notoriously hard to shop for, and so the collection began. Figurines, candles, refrigerator magnets. I think I have something like twelve pair of silver turtle earrings now. Maybe more.

Eat your heart out, Dol.

Anyway, I guess this ex-boyfriend, who we (and by we I mean me) remember fondly as David-who-we-loved, got his amphibians confused and couldn't pass up such a perfect addition to my collection. To be truthful, I'm not exactly sure how I rated a present, even a small one. It could have been my birthday, or no reason at all. He was a great guy. Just not the one for The Dol, which made me and her aunts a little sad until she met an even greater guy who is absolutely perfect for her. Now David-who-we-loved is just the guy she dated for a while, who bought me these cute frogs.

Did I mention that David-who-we-loved had a nipple ring? And some serious tattoos? Because he did. In retrospect, I kind of see how he wasn't the best life partner for The Dol.

Back to the frogs. The frogs are adorable but, more than adorable, they are wise. Or at least, they impart wisdom, which is the bottom line here. The wisdom--see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil--seems pretty straight forward at first blush. But lately I've found myself thinking about what the frogs are really saying. Not that they actually talk to me, but symbolically, they say a few things here and there. And what I noticed is that no one frog manages the whole enchilada.

Maybe the moral is supposed to be like the advice I got about sleeping, studying, and partying when I went off to college. Something like: you can sleep and study, you can study and party, or you can party and sleep; but you can't do all three successfully in the same semester. Good stuff. So maybe the frogs are saying: you can't do all three--speak, hear, see evil--in the same conversation? Either the frogs are messing with me or I need a hobby.

Most likely, the frogs are symbolic of three actions (or lack of actions) of one frog. Kind of like the dancing Shiva doesn't really have more than one set of arms but the multiple arms are supposed to imply dancing motion. Only westerners would think that Shiva was a many-armed deity. Westerners are so literal. But the frogs, they keep it real. As real as plaster frogs can keep it. And they don't ever change their mind. The message is fairly constant, given that they are inanimate and all.

See no evil. Hear no evil. Speak no evil.

Oh, good lord. What if it is meant to read more like: if you see no evil, and you hear no evil, you will, it follows, speak no evil. That could be what they are saying. But I've got a great ear for gossip and my eyes stay glued to the checkout tabloids as I toss peanut butter and bread on the conveyer belt at the grocery store. What's the point of knowing the latest smack about Lindsay Lohan if I can't share it with Mr. Poppins? Because he cares deeply about Lindsay, he really does.

I hope I don't have to tell you that the last line was sarcastic. I'm not saying Mr. Poppins wouldn't pee on Lindsay Lohan if she were on fire, although Mr. Poppins probably wouldn't because he's more the type to have a fire extinguisher handy. Mr. Poppins is always prepared. What I mean is that Mr. Poppins just wouldn't think about Lindsay Lohan unless the woman were standing in front of him on fire. I mean, it's not like Lindsay Lohan does anything for the Sci-Fi channel. Now the badass femme who plays Starbuck on Battlestar Galactica--there's an actress Mr. Poppins can bring himself to be mildly interested in. Why just the other day he told me she was going to star in a new series. And he even knew her real name. I'm sure we'll be tivo'ing the show. Go, Starbuck, go.

But seriously, a few weeks ago Edward James Olmos, was the keynote speaker at a conference held nearby. I asked Mr. Poppins if he wanted to go and he said only if Mr. Olmos was appearing in his Galactica uniform and speaking as Admiral Adama.

Did you know that Edward James Olmos once kissed The Dol? He did. On the cheek at her college graduation. He was the keynote speaker there, too, and as The Dol majored in Spanish and was graduating with high honors, she was among the favored few graced with a kiss. I saw it myself and, I have to say, I was impressed. Mr. Poppins doesn't care though, because Mr. Olmos was not dressed as Admiral Adama. Why would he be; it was years before the series revival.

By the way, can anyone tell me what happened to Cassiopeia? She was my favorite character on the original show. Of course I was about four and her major selling point was that she had the same beautiful hair as Miss Piggy. Although if I'm honest, back then I thought that not only was Miss Piggy's hair way prettier, but she also had the better wardrobe. I'm just saying.

Am I off topic again? Sheesh, people, you shouldn't let me go off on so many tangents. Ahem. If you're done, I'd appreciate it if this conversation made its way back to the point already. Seriously.

I'm kidding, people. Clearly you have no say in this monologue.

The point is, that somehow, I've bastardized the message of these monkeys frogs until it reads: if someone is paying attention, act like you see, hear, and speak no evil; and for Hank's sake, don't get caught. Which brings me back to David-who-we-loved: I miss him sometimes. He was reliable. And he never minded being the designated driver, which has always been one of the qualities I most appreciate in my friends' significant others. This probably goes without saying, but there are fewer things sadder than having your best friend break up with your designated driver.

I still have David-who-we-loved's frog legacy to hold onto though. Even if I've way overthought it.

What it comes down to is that I try very hard to see, hear, and speak no evil. Unless it's just too good to pass up, no one can prove it was me, and I'm pretty sure I won't do any actual damage. I suggest you do the same. Really. I have a huge moral gray area and if I won't do it, there's probably a really good reason. I just don't remember what it is right now.

All I know is I'm not all that surprised about the latest dish on Lindsay Lohan.

But if it had been Edward James Olmos passed out drunk and flashing his crotch in a hotel lobby, I would have been shocked. And if he had been dressed as Admiral Adama at the time, even Mr. Poppins would have been interested.

P.S. I just want you to know that this is a picture of the actual frogs on my desk, not something I stole off the internet. Just try to find red-eyed "see, hear, speak no evil" frogs anywhere but here. Miracle no happen.

Comments

[The Dol]

Two things I had forgotten: the nipple ring and the kiss from Edward James Olmos. Polly, you have a mind like a steel trap. How is it that mine was practically wiped clean upon giving birth to my daughter and you somehow remember random details about a boyfriend I had ten years ago?

(Imagine me singing "Thanks for the memories" here. Too bad I haven't figured out how to post on YouTube.)

[Polly Poppins]

Has it really been ten years? OMG, I think it has. It seems like just a couple of years ago.

[esfp]

did I know that you collected turtles? i also collected turtles, and i didn't try to. someone gave me a turtle once, and then someone else saw the turtle and bought me another one, and someone else bought me another, and then my dad bought me about 100, and so on. I have turtle figurines, books, rocks, stuffed animals, puppets, etc. Hey. We actually have a turtle in our bathroom that was once yours, i think. Maybe you gave it to the boy? it is made of rock, and then another little turtle is carved inside of the bigger turtle's shell. enough about turtles, but how interesting is it that we both unintentionally collected turtles.