A Mind of Its Own is a terrible thing to waste. Now, I know some of you are thinking that the penis gets enough attention in this culture. And, yes, the Washington Monument, neckties, and fire hydrants are all phallic. Not to mention guns, rockets, and our current president. But that is only, ahem, the tip of the penis.
Mr. Poppins can tell you for a fact that I see phallic symbols everywhere.
David M. Friedman, author of this scholarly tome, is a man I'd like to have over for dinner. Actually, on second thought, let's stick to coffee. Publisher's Weekly has said that Mr. Friedman's work should "reign as the seminal treatment of the topic" and I have to second that motion, punny though it may be.
With chapters titled The Demon Rod, The Gear Shift, The Measuring Stick, The Cigar, The Battering Ram (pardon me?), and The Punctureproof Balloon, I'd say that Mr. Friedman has a firm and even grasp of his subject, slippery little bugger though it may be.
A sample of some of my favorite sentences, out of context of course:
This was the penis's most awesome and mysterious power of all. (p. 24)
The penis moved elsewhere. (p. 41)
If that penis failed to stiffen, there would be no action at all. (p. 57)
For a girl there could be no more precious acquisition than a penis. (p. 154)
I have to say that these sentences are even more entertaining in context. I mean, haven't you always wanted to know why the Greeks called it seminal knowledge, why Freud was always pictured with that cigar, why Viagra works? Aren't you at least a little curious about whether or not having a newly shorn eunuch's testes flung into your house is good luck--for you, not the eunuch--or bad luck? Don't you want to be able to pepper sentences with such lovely words as castrati, virgo intacta, penis normalis, and sedina stercoraria? While you may be able to guess at the first three, you may be curious about the last. Wonder no more: sedina stercoraria means dung chair.
What the heck?
The dung chair "which resembled an ancient commode, was designed so that when the newly elected Pope sat on it, his testicles would descend through a specially placed hole, where their existence could be verified by a cardinal specially chosen for the task." You might, like me, wonder why anyone would do such a thing. Let me put your mind to rest: Pope Joan (aka, Pope John VII).
You may be shocked to learn that this is not, by a long stretch, the most interesting thing I learned from this book. The most interesting, and often horrifying, histories are too complex to relay in a review. You just have to go to the source.
Did I mention that there are illustrations and that those illustrations include a Leonardo da Vinci penis drawing. Apparently, The Da Vinci Code didn't reveal everything. Man in Polyester Suit by Mapplethorpe also makes an appearance. If you don't know what I'm talking about, click here and be prepared to be impressed and, perhaps, more than a little afraid.
P.S. I've launched a guest column for book reviews and Bookgirl is the first to offer a submission.
Polly, I don't quite know what to say. You've left me momentarily speechless.
Posted by: Diosa | June 28, 2007 at 09:17 AM
That is precisely what I was thinking, Diosa.
Ok, am I just not a penis expert or does the guy in the Mapplethorpe photo have a strange penis? I haven't seen tons of them in my life, so I could just be ignorant here.
Hm. How many penises have I seen? I think less than 10. More than 5. I'm not counting little baby boy penises from diaper changes when I was a babysitter in high school.
Posted by: The Dol | June 28, 2007 at 02:18 PM
Well, for one thing, he's not circumcised. For another, he's not at his, ahem, full potential, which would draw the foreskin back. But if neither of those things are what you are talking about, then perhaps you are referring to the fact that it is so big, and trunklike, that it would send most women screaming from the room.
Posted by: Polly Poppins | June 28, 2007 at 03:28 PM
Polly, I LOVE it. Not the uncircumsized penis, the post. The only thing I can think is "I wonder what posessed Polly to pick up and then read this book?" maybe it's an INTJ thing? Or maybe you explained it earlier in the post and I was so distracted by the end that I don't recall.....
Posted by: Liz | June 28, 2007 at 05:23 PM
Dear Liz, I actually received this book by mail from, who else, Bookgirl. She saw the title and knew it would be right up my alley. She was right. She pretty much always is. And before you ask, she hasn't read this book. It is not up her alley.
I inflicted her with penis-related tidbits anyway.
By the way, did anyone notice the "O" in the title is framing a penis that appears even stranger than the Mapplethorpe?
Posted by: Polly Poppins | June 28, 2007 at 06:56 PM
Well, I guess I've never seen one uncircumsized, then. It just looks odd. And there is the issue of sheer greatness in size which also makes it seem like a mythical sea creature or something.
Posted by: The Dol | June 28, 2007 at 07:47 PM
A) I didn't realize it was uncircumcised. I thought there was a sleeve over it for the photo and that Man in Polyester Suit as a title was a wink to that. As Polly would say, I swear to Hank. It's not that I've never seen an uncut one before. It's just that there was a lot of liquor involved.
B) If The Dol's experiences with penises is average, I'm a whore.
Posted by: Bookgirl | June 28, 2007 at 08:29 PM
Polly, I noticed exactly what the O was framing. But given that I was in on all the cover concept and approval meetings, that might be cheating....
Posted by: Bookgirl | June 28, 2007 at 08:30 PM
Polly -
1. i want you to know that i clicked on the link to see the man in polyester suite while at work... there are a lot of people who can see my screen... it was a good time.
2. I was at the Frick collection in NYC this weekend (one of my favorites) and observed this wonderful paiting:
http://collections.frick.org/Obj782$8867
note: that is NOT a sword.
I hope you enjoy ....
Posted by: Liza | June 29, 2007 at 06:40 AM
Liza,
Is it encased in some sort of sleeve? I just zoomed in on the image and that's what it looks like, but when you zoom you lose the context, too, so I'm not sure.
Posted by: The Dol | June 29, 2007 at 07:56 AM
Liza, Mapplethorpe is considered art, not porn, so your beautiful armored penis from the Frick Museum is in good company.
Posted by: Polly Poppins | June 29, 2007 at 08:19 AM