I Know You Missed Me

Of course you missed me while I was gone. I missed you, too.

As you remember, Mr. Poppins and I were in Prescott, Arizona visiting my in-laws. We took a new route into town and only got misplaced once. I was navigating and, although I had informed Mr. Poppins of the next turn, we got a little distracted. You see, Mr. Poppins thinks that Superman is a less interesting than, say, Spiderman or Batman, because Superman is invincible unless confronted with Kryptonite (and how often does that really come up?). But I think Superman is more interesting than the others because he is the only hero who is disguised when he looks normal and becomes his true self when he takes off his "costume" of ordinariness. Then there was the whole tangent about how Superman got to earth (in a capsule) and our sun's yellow rays giving him superpowers.

I'm sure you'll agree, as an easily distracted navigator, I didn't stand a chance.

The problem with missing an exit in the rural desert is that, while you can just take the next exit, you're going to be driving quite a bit out of your way before you get back on track. In this particular instance, we were lucky, only 17 miles misplaced, but it could have been much worse. I keep telling myself that. It makes me feel better.

Of course we had a lovely visit: ate home cooking, saw a car show, wandered downtown, and even made a new friend. Which means that now, I'm exhausted. The first hints of this showed up in Yuma where I suddenly realized that every single other driver on the road was a complete and total homicidal, suicidal, spastic, inbred, moron. Especially the RVers. Mr. Poppins had to pull over and get me some coffee.

The second hint was that I decided it was time to continue listening to John Hodgman's The Areas of My Expertise on the iPod and, due to Mr. Poppins forgotten preference for the shuffle feature, combined with his preference for hearing the book in order, worked myself into a near frenzy trying to locate our place in the book. Mr. Poppins said he would rather not listen to the book if it meant arguing. I, on the other hand, was reluctant to let the whole thing go, as clearly we were having such a rousing good time. And so I brought up The Egyptologist on iPod fiasco of '04 with a feisty fury that surprised even me.

I thought I had let it go. Mais non.

I didn't travel before I met Mr. Poppins. Oh, I'd gone away to college, then moved to Georgia, and later moved to California, which each had stresses of their own. And since I've become a transplant, I've had the occasional trip back to Little Rhody. But I wouldn't call that traveling. That's visiting.

Over the years, though, I've become a much better traveler. It used to be that my travel angst set in as I was packing, peaked at the airport, and continued with several intermittent spikes of rabid irritability throughout the trip. I would wind down on the return home, only to experience what I referred to as "post-vacation let down," a condition somewhat akin to withdrawing from amphetamines. I am easily overstimulated and even more easily overwhelmed. Both conditions make me, ahem, edgy. Especially when I am too hot, too cold, too hungry, or too bored.

Thanks to Mr. Poppins, though, I've gotten used to traveling. My tolerance for the new and unknown have expanded, if only because the new and unknown have become a little more routine.

Only an INTJ would feel the compulsion to make a routine out of experiencing the new an unknown.

Now by the end of a vacation, I am mildly cranky rather than wildly psychotic. This is good news for The Dol, Bookgirl, and Diosa, who will be heading off to Palm Desert with me this coming weekend. And it is good news for me because I wouldn't put it past those pretty wenches to mutiny and hide my body somewhere between here and Twentynine Palms.

I don't want to be the inspiration for an episode of CSI. I think we'd better leave the iPod at home and stick to CDs. Just kidding. It's not like I haven't been to this particular resort in Palm Desert before. Three times before, to be precise. Knowing my way around definitely eases the strain. That and the copious amounts of alcohol I'll be stocking up on at Costco before we leave.

I don't think I was born afraid of the unknown. I think I learned it over the years. And now I'm unlearning it. I've had plenty of help from Mr. Poppins and my friends, especially The Model.

The Model thinks nothing of dropping everything on a Tuesday afternoon to embark on a solo twelve state, two country tour, which ends with her home on time to watch American Idol. She's got moxy. And she does it all in such an offhand way that I would be positively ashamed to twist my knickers while jaunting from here to there and back again with three months notice, reservations, and a map. Because, I mean, if she can be that cool, so can I.

There's nothing like a little competition to fuel my frantic pursuit of inner peace.

Comments

[The Dol]

Ooooh, you're back! *mwah!*

I'm glad you made it ok on your trip. Seventeen miles off track doesn't seem too bad. Remember our rambling trip last year, about a half hour past our exit to Palm Desert? I was so embarrassed.

[Liz]

Sounds like you got yourself lost, ahem, misplaced, for no good reason. Mr. Poppins is absolutely correct. Superman is much less interesting and less intriguing than Spidey or Batman. Lets take a moment to point out the obvious. 1) Batman has a car that shoots flames, among other things. In addition to a peasly little sidekick. 2) Spiderman shoots web. C'mon. HE SHOOTS WEB! 3) Batman has a much cooler cape. 4) Spiderman's suit is certainly tighter and any man who is going to put himself through that deserves to be cooler. 5) No one ever made a children's rhyme about Superman to the words of a Christmas jingle. But they (and, yes I know know, there is no they) did about Batman. "Jingle bells, Batman smells, robin layed an egg...." and so on. 6) Also, Batman has no superpowers, he's just smart.

Mr. Liz (my husband) is insisting that I tell you this is the reason why Val Kilmer was such a bad Batman, because he lacks the necessary intelligence. He also wants me to point out that Superman can't have sex. I haven't heard this myself but Mr. Liz is a very very smart man and so I am going to guess he's right.
He also wants to know why you didn't even mention Aquaman or Daredevil? He thinks it's absurd.

I'd like to keep writing but this whole "Battle of the Superheroes" you've so kindly started in my home (at my dinner table, no less) is turning into a full blown war.

Thank God no one here has superpowers....

[bitsy parker]

Oh, Polly. You know there is a program to instruct your iPod to play the chapters in order, right?

Best,

B

[Diosa]

You need to get one of those GPS systems. Now I never have to argue with B about whether he knows where he's going or not. It's a beautiful thing.

Two more days til vacation!

[Bookgirl]

I have faith in you that this will NOT be one of those vacations where you get so worked up that at the end I ask you, "Did you even have a good time?" And if at any point you look even vaguely like you're heading in that direction I'm force-feeding you tequila and handing you my pajamas.

[The Model]

Well, American Idol is just THAT important. ;)

And I totally agree that you should get a GPS system. I don't do any of my spontaneous cross-country road trips without my laptop and GPS software (although my new car has navigation so I don't need to worry about that anymore). They don't just do maps either, they show you where there are gas stations, hotels, food stops, and other points of interest along the way. Ok, fine, so you'd already have those all planned out, but it's rather handy for someone like me.

I wasn't always a good traveler, either. Just ask The Supermodel -- he certainly saw me at my worst. We don't really end up bickering when we travel though; if anything, I just break into spontaneous sobs and declare that I can't go a step further (like that one time I did that on the street in Milan when we were like 50 feet from our final destination, but in my defense, it had been a long trip, our plane caught on fire over the Atlantic, etc).

Anyway, welcome back! I missed you!

P.S. Batman rules, Superman drools.

[Polly Poppins]

Hello Dol. Thanks for the love.

Liz & Mr. Liz, while what you say about the other heros is true, I'm standing by Superman being interesting because he becomes less disguised when he is a hero. And you'd better watch the Val Kilmer smack talk because he was The Dol's movie boyfriend, circa The Saint.

Bitsy, thank you for bringing this feature to my attention. You are invited on my next seven-hour road trip.

GPS wouldn't have helped in this situation because we weren't lost. We were oblivious. We knew our exit and how many miles it would be before we got there. We even saw our turn as we were passing it and commented, "that was our exit."

Bookgirl, I am going to have a good time. Even if it means I have to puke on your pajamas.

The Model, did The Supermodel carry you? Because that would have been the All American thing to do.

[Diosa]

Tom Tom actually speaks to you and tells you to exit and you watch your progress on the computerized map as you go. You can even download different voices for it, ours has the voice of that English guy that play Nearly Headless Nick in the Harry Potter movies. He's a bit confusing because he uses English terminology telling you to "beaver left" and "merge onto the motorway" but B gets a kick out of it.

[The Dol]

Diosa, jealous am I! I wish my navigation had a sense of humor. I think it's a boring Republican fellow from Kansas. Helpful, organized, straight as an arrow. He does, however, get me where I need to go.

Liz, I was trying to just ignore that you were making comments about my former movie boyfriend. We had something special during those two hours that I relived on video several times. Sigh.

[Liz]

The Dol - I will accept that you had Val Kilmer as a movie boyfriend in 1997. By 1999 when he made At First Sight, I will assume you came to your senses and realized the error in your ways.

Mr. Liz however, is still arguing that you should have noticed his lack of intelligence in 95 during the Batman stint and came to your senses then. He isn't as forgiving.

We both want to know who your movie boyfriend currently is, so that we can say our peace on that as well. (We are real movie nerds, this type of banter excites us to no end.)

[The Model]

Polly, he didn't carry me, but he DID take some of the heaviest bags I was carrying, even though he was carrying about 4 of his own already. I'm thinking of changing his nickname to what we used to call him back in the day -- Captain Armani. Which do you think is better?

Dol, I'm jealous of the Tom Tom too. My navigation is some passive aggressive lady, also in desperate need of a sense of humor. And I really need to update her map DVD, because she doesn't actually always get me where I need to go like our old navigation did. She always gets exit numbers wrong. Whore.

[Polly Poppins]

Model, I'm liking Captain Armani...

[Liza]

Polly, if it makes you feel any better, alex and i once got lost in middle america and ended up in oklahoma with no such intentions... and this was while using a top of the line GPS named 'Vicky'

[The Dol]

Gosh, Liz, now I'm working hard here thinking about movie boyfriends. I'm really not in a committed fictitious relationship right now--more sort of sleeping around with whoever happens to be starring in the movie I get to watch during a given six-month period. (Mr. Dol and I don't get out as much as we once did.)

I can't even remember what I saw last in a theater. Crap! I seriously feel like I'm losing my mind. I can't remember anything.

[Bookgirl]

Polly and I were discussing the whole "movie boyfriend" thing, and I have to admit, as fickle as I am about real relationships (don't get scared, Liza, I'm trying to amend my ways) I am fiercely loyal to my pretend ones. Tom Cruise and Kevin Costner were still my movie boyfriends long after Costner stopped being A-list and Cruise started turning a little nutty. I'm currently between serious commitments but I do have a crush on that guy who played Reeses Witherspoon's husband in Sweet Home Alabama. Once I remember his name, I think we could be quite happy together.

Television boyfriends, however, are a totally different story. My heart beats for Rob Lowe alone. I've forgiven him for that messy teenage girl/sex/video camera incident. And besides, that was before he knew me...

[Liza]

well, since we're on the topic, i must confess to one and all that i have been cheating on alex with christian bale for quite some time now...

[Liz]

The Dol - Mr. Liz says that because my movie boyfriend, if I were to grant myself one, would be Benecio Del toro, circa 21 Grams, is such a bad choice that I don't get to judge you on yours. He howver is dissapointed that you didn't give him anything to work with. Except of course that you have been sleeping around only once in a six month period, ehich he will comment on as soon as the heart attack you've caused him settles down. (The heart attack is because Mr. Liz is a movie whore and goes tot he theatre about once a week and has a hard time understanding why everyone else in the world doesn't do the same)

Book Girl - Rob Lowe is taken, sorry. Move on, it just didn't work out. It's not you, it's him. He and Mr. Liz have been seeing each other since the early days of the West Wing and now that Brother's and Sisters is such a hit, they are thinking of long term commitment. Maybe you two can still be "just friends" though.

[Diosa]

I will forever be in love with John Cusack. Polly even put on Say Anything for me while I was visiting. But that's not to say I don't notice the other boys. Christian Bale, very hot.

Dol - not quite sure of your type but may I suggest Johnny Depp, Brad Pitt (not my type but classic), Jake Gyllenhall (sigh), Hugh Jackman, Viggo Mortenson, Heath Ledger (love the accent) . . .

[Mr. Liz]

Despite my frequent appearances in this conversation I have not actually posted a comment here. But, with the appearance of a "Say Anything" reference, I feel I can abstain no longer. What John Cusack may lack in "Cloonian" good looks he more than makes up for with charm and the abilty to actually choose a decent film role (unlike the aforementioned Costner, Kilmer, and JOSH LUCAS -BookGirl). While you may not be in search of a boyfriend with a brain, choosing Cusack can provide comforting dialogue such as: "I gave her my heart - she gave me a pen".

I would also like to clear up, contrary to the claims above, I am actually not romantically involved with Rob Lowe... we are just close friends.

Also, I find it disturbing no one mentioned Hugh Grant. Doesn't anyone out there like to laugh? And the floppy hair and glasses are quite adorable. (Ah hmm, not that I've ever considered having a movie boyfriend, I'm just saying....)

[Diosa]

Mr. Liz, Hugh Grant is pretty cute and not that I mind a man with a bit of deviance, but the whole prostitute thing is a bit of a turn off. Who cheats on Elizabeth Hurley? Kind of makes him a moron.

[The Model]

Ahh, Johnny Depp and Viggo Mortensen... They're my movie boyfriends, and Wentworth Miller is my TV boyfriend. I have a few dalliances here and there, but I stay pretty faithful to those three.

[Diosa]

And I left out Will Smith. To quote Bookgirl, "I heart him."

[Polly Poppins]

Dear Mr. Liz, I'm going to address this Hugh Grant thing in my post (currently draft), Ex-Boyfriend Post Mortem II. But Josh Lucas, well, you might just have to take that back. Clearly, looking a lot like Matthew McConaughey but not actually being Matt McConaughey can make a man have to choose between his principles and his dinner.

[Diosa]

I googled Wentworth Miller cause I didn't know who he was and then was trying to figure out what show I'd seen him in. Don't watch Prison Break. He was on the TV series Dinotopia which my boys have on DVD and were watching marathon style before I left for CA.

[Ramblin' Jack]

Mr. Liz, with all due respect, Hugh Grant=Pansy.

Just sayin'...