MotherStyles

INTJs are "Individual Integrity" mothers. As people who define their success from within, we spend a great deal of time developing self-esteem, confidence, independent thinking, and self-sufficiency in our children while still providing protection and boundaries. But we also struggle with the noise and confusion of family life, mothering confidence, and leading a balanced life. To quote:

The INTJ mother may need more time alone away from her children than many other mothers.

You don't say. I'll take that as permission, thank you. And did I mention that I love this book? Because I do. Janet P. Penley, author of MotherStyles, does us all a favor and recognizes that we (as in you, me, and Gandhi) are at our best when we embrace who we are, play to our own strengths, and find ways of compensating for our weaknesses. She asks, among many other questions:

Do you think a good mother should...provide structure, consistency, and order? Be tolerant, flexible, and go with the flow?

It may seem obvious, but those descriptions are opposites, impossible to achieve in the same moment, and there is a lot of gray area between those two ways of being. And from what I have gathered, gray is a good color for raising children. Or to paraphrase Penley: be a mother, but first be yourself; and then, let your kids be who they are.

So simple, so freeing, so profound. So not the way I was raised. The world contains a lot of people who have a lot of ideas about how a lot of things should be done. One of those things is raising kids. Most people get their ideas either from examples (that's just what is done) or book learnin', observation, and contemplation. And most people take their ideas very seriously, after all, the fate of their children and (therefore, by implication) your children depends on doing things the right way. Which usually means their way. After all, most people believe in their way or they wouldn't be doing it.

But what if you find yourself only able to be spontaneous if you block out time for spontaneity in advance? What if being spontaneous gives you hives? And what if the idea of the same old thing every day just drives you nuts? What if you just can't live without the occasional impromptu fun? Should you not do it because it's not in the schedule?

Penley does not judge, she just gives the facts with compassion and some solid reflection and advice for each mothering type. She advises each mother to embrace her own natural mothering style. And, Hank bless her, she spends a little extra time on addressing the rarer types such as INTJ, INTP, ENTJ, INFJ, ISTP, and ENTP (each roughly 1-4% of the population).

Because, guess what, "ISFJ, ESFJ, ESFP, and ISFP, all together account for about 55 percent of the female population." Penley says these four types of women are more likely to feel in sync with mainstream culture and to be supported for being who they are. They set the norm. But if you are not one of these types, you're likely find yourself out of sync and uncertain because what works and makes sense for you isn't the mainstream-approved "right" way.

I find a lot of solace in knowing that the reason I feel different is because I am different. Not defective. Not inferior. Just different. And trying to mother like an ESFP makes about as much sense as Kate Moss wearing a size 12 because the average women does. It just doesn't fit. Girlfriend needs a double zero (00). While other women, like maybe me, need a go-to range of sizes because we, ahem, evolve.

While some mothers might struggle to understand a child who is different, an INTJ mother values non-conformity and respects her child's differences. But the INTJ mother often struggles with the inherent noise and disorder of raising children. INTJ moms get drained by the bustle of togetherness. Some moms need relaxation and fun to rejuvenate, but INTJ moms would be happier going for a walk alone or taking a self-improvement class.

And then there are the kids. Thinking-type moms can be nightmares for feeling-type children if they aren't tuned into their kids emotional needs. INTJs prefer practical and concrete expressions of love to sentiment. But above all, we value systems that work and are more than willing to tailor our communication to meet that end.

Interpersonal dynamics is not the same as ettiquette. Just knowing which fork to use for the salad isn't enough. You have to be able to communicate that information to a deaf person, a blind person, and a martian. And to do that well, you have to account for them being different from you. Otherwise simple communication becomes frustrating and opens the door to a lot of misunderstanding. For the thinking types, this means unnecessary confusion, inefficiency, and uncomfortable displays of other's emotion, which is both confusing and inefficient. For the feeling types, this means hurt feelings and guilt.

In other words, yuck and muck all the way around. Even if we have different reasons for our preferences, no type wants yuck and muck. Except for maybe the sociopath type, but that's a different book.

Thank you, Janet P. Penley for providing a guidebook, which is to my view, the mother-child equivalent of Babblefish. I plan on getting a lot of use out of it over the years.

Comments

[The Model]

Of course a mother should provide structure, consistency, and order AND be tolerant, flexible, and go with the flow... each to some degree at least. I just may not be the mother to provide a lot of the first three (that's what Captain Armani is for). So tell me more about the ENTP mother.

[Polly Poppins]

ENTP "Independence" Mother: strengths are energetic spontaneity, encouraging independence, teaching, and tolerance and acceptance; struggles are inactivity, clingy children, and household routines; tips are to provide self with intellectual stimulation, variety, & situations which allow independent function and hire some help with the household drudgery.

[Katherine]

Polly Poppins! You are a godsend! I am an INTJ...making my way through life, never understanding why I was so different from all the moms at playgroups and sporting events. But alas...you have provided great insight...and the reminder that I don't have to apologize for my need and desire to be a working mother while all my friends are doing something quite different...completely organic to them, but foreign to me. I'm off to pick up that book today! Thanks again!

[Polly Poppins]

Katherine,

Welcome! As for MotherStyles, if you’re like me, once you get around to looking at it “for real,” you won’t be able to put it down. Of course, depending on what’s already on your bedside table, that could take a while. So for now, my favorite (paraphrased) quote from an INTJ mom:

I give myself a half hour a day to just stare at the ceiling or I'd just go crazy.

Now that I realize that INTJs don't need leisure time, they need recovery time, I view staring at the ceiling as productive, useful, and a tool for improving my overall efficiency. And so when I need to stare, I stare. Sometimes I even stare proactively.

[The Dol]

There must be something in there about how INFJ moms like to have meaningful time with their children (reading books, doing art, going to a museum), but please don't ask me to play. I hate playing. If she wants to play, I want to check my e-mail.

[Polly Poppins]

INFJ "Know Thyself" Mother: strengths are connecting one-on-one with each child, providing her children with emotional support, profundity (insights into the subtleties and lessons of life), and creativity (dream up fun and unusual projects such as fantasy games to play, theme parties, or special snacks); struggles are family and household details, real life versus the ideal, and giving too much; tips are take time alone to meditate, journal, listen to music, enjoy nature, and have intimate discussions with close (me) friends and try to take as it "is" rather than try to make it what it "should" be and live in the moment rather than the future, which will help curb INFJ "tendency to take an isolated fact and extrapolate a catastrophic outcome."

In other words, Dol, you need a beer. A pint. Okay, a pitcher.

[Janet Penley]

Polly - Google alerted me to your web post on MotherStyles. I enjoyed reading your wise and witty comments (Yea, INTJ!) and how you've applied my work to your life. I'm so glad you've found it helpful.

Have you and your friends registered for my free monthly newsletter at www.motherstyles.com? When you do, you'll receive a free Personal Energy Plan for your personality type. It is one-page and cartoon-illustrated. You can post it on your refrigerator to remind yourself what you need to feel and do your best.

[Diosa]

Honestly, I don't understand why we need to constantly judge the way people parent. Are your kids happy, healthy and developing well according to doctors and teachers? Then why all the fuss?

It is bar none the most difficult job in the world, whether you work or stay at home. As mothers, and fathers too, we should all give ourselves and each other a bit of slack.