If You Want Closure...Start with Your Legs

Bookgirl claims she sent this book because of the title, but I think she knew where she was aiming because she hit my quirk-bone dead to rights. Not since the Penis book have I been so fascinated, so horrified, so mesmerized, and so educated.

Seriously. I have been educated.

Now I've read a lot of self-help, people, and I'm certainly no longer in the market for catch-a-man advice, but relationship speaker and first-time author Big Boom is something different. Take Yogi Berra's counterintuitive flair for phrase, Elvis's philanthropical (and sensory) excess, and roll them into one reformed pimp who has dedicated his heart of gold to God and you have Mr. Boom.

Some disclaimers: I have a hard time guessing whether he is being straight or ironic sometimes. I don't approve of his past and I don't always agree with him, but he makes me laugh. Hard. So he's probably an ENTP, which means whether or not he really is all he's claiming to be, I like him.

Seriously. I like him.

Boom's advice ranges from the obvious; to the politically incorrect; to the I-hope-he's-joking; to the heartfelt; to the just plain baudy; and the range goes on. And why not? Boom is complicated: then pimp, bad boy, heartbreaker, playa, user, fool, bodyguard; now friend, counselor, humorist, confessor, forgiver, mentor, public speaker.

Boom has range down.

The truth is I have never had the occasion to meet most of the types of men he sketches. I have very limited experience with penitentiary men, abusive men, nothing men, or pimps. If I ever found out a man I had been with had cheated on me, I would be angry. If I found that he juggled as many as seven other women at the same time as me, I would be in awe. But one or one-hundred other women, it doesn't matter. I would walk. I have the history to prove it. But the women Boom intended this book for need to hear the walk message again and again so forgive him if he repeats himself.

You'll also have to forgive him for retaining a smidge of hope that your man's cheating was a one-time indescretion and you and your man can work it out. He's got a long history of needing forgiveness and I got the impression that he was trying to leave a little wiggle room in case he has just one last mistake hidden deep inside of him. I also got the impression he hopes no one comes after him for back child support because he's making some legitimate money now.

I spent every other page of this book reading passages outloud to Bookgirl, Mr. Poppins, or The Dol whether they wanted to hear them or not. Sometimes I was laughing, sometimes I was shocked, sometimes I was indignant--but always I was fascinated. Mr. Boom can hold an audience. He's got a certain way with words, a charisma, that will keep you turning pages whether you like him or not.

Let me give you a few excerpts, and I'm going to let Boom speak for himself although you'll have to trust me when I say I could add plenty:

I've put it in a street way for people who are street smart, living the club life, have been out partying a lot and been in all kinds of drama relationships.

I was never a pimp at heart, but I had pimpish ways.

When a woman is simply hanging around her home at the conclusion of her date, she should continue to wear heels. ... She usually has no idea how bad her butt looks after taking her shoes off.

When a woman runs out there like a cabbage--all head and no tail--she's going to end up in the frying pan.

A relationship should feel as comfortable and natural as farting.

The truth will set you free. I believe it because when I told women the whole truth, they let me go.

It's okay, after one date or even two, to simply let things lapse. Mutual silence speaks for itself. However, if one of you does follow up, it's rude to just ignore it. It's better to simply say something like, "I'm glad we made the effort to meet, but I don't think we're a match."

Once a woman finds out her man is cheating she should not take it personally. ... When a man cheats it doesn't have a thing to do with the woman. It's all about his ego. It's best not to ask the kinds of questions that insinuate it's the woman who's weak or at fault bcause the relationship didn't suceed. She should not ask, "What did I do wrong?," "Is she better than me in bed?," or any question like that.

If he's trying to break away and she's holding his legs as he leaves out the door, he might come back, but he'll only come back to have sex with her.

What a woman doesn't need is a person like the one she just left.

Now I can't claim to even understand everything Boom is talking about (that cabbage thing for instance) but most of it does make sense. Good sense. And some of it (going after more childsupport is greedy), I just don't agree with. But I will say again that this book kept my attention. There really is a lot more to this book than the title on its cover.

Comments

[Diosa]

Sounds hilarious and way more fun than Bill Clinton's My Life which is what I'm currently reading. I love Clinton and it's not like his life was boring but I'm not a fan of biographies in general. It's like medicine. I know it's good for me, so I'm reading it. I say I love the guy, I feel like I should know exactly what I'm saying I love.

[Liz]

Diosa - I tend to "read" books like that on tape, er, cd.

A Thousand Splendid Suns, for example. Lot of big words there. If I try to read that, I just stress over whether or not I'm saying the words right and forget the content of what I'm reading, so I just listen instead.

Plus Bill Clinton does the narration of his book on tape and who doesn't love Bill Clinton's voice? I'm a big fan.

Polly,
I don't get the cabbage thing either, but I would love for someone to explain so I can repeat it at leisure and know what the hell I'm talking about, because I think it's funny and quirky.

Also, I'm going to have to agree with going after more child support is greedy. In SOME cases.

Also, I love the Not-A-Post today. Funny greeting cards are my favorite.

[Polly Poppins]

I have or at least had My Life on cd. Dol gave it to me. And yes, Bill's voice was a major selling point.

[Bookgirl]

But wait! There's more! Boom's new book, How to Duck a Suckah: A Guide to Living a Drama-Free Life is coming in October. No, I can't make this shit up.

[Ramblin' Jack]

I'm waiting for Mr. Boom to visit our little blog himself. That seems to be a trend lately. Mr. Boom? Big? Can I call you Big? Anything to add?

Ms. Poppins seems to think my PimpFu is weak, but I'm sure it's just that I haven't applied myself. I can generally succeed at anything I set my mind to, and with the right mentor, I think I could go far. I acquired a taste for Scotch Whisky. I can't imagine malt liquor could be much worse.

[Polly Poppins]

Ah, Mr. Poppins I think you should set your sites a little closer to your core talents.

And, Bookgirl, you know I want that book.