Years ago, before my friends started having babies, I always thought I'd breast feed. I'd seen the signs saying breast is best and I believed that, of course, I would do what was best for my baby.
Then my friends started to breast feed and I watched, asked, and listened to every one of them. What I found was that breast feeding was very hard work. Most of my friends didn't have nearly enough support for what I began to perceive to be a heroic undertaking.
You see, they were pretty much all formula fed as babies themselves, so their mothers and even grandmothers had no idea what they were going through or how to advise them when they had problems. I began to think cracked and bleeding nipples were just part of the toughening up process, although I've since learned that doesn't have to happen.
My own reality was at odds with all of those bus-stop signs. I'd grown up helping bottle feed family and friends' kids, and in spite of bottles and mixing powder and water, it seemed so much easier than what I saw my friends go through. For one thing, the mother wasn't the only on who could feed the baby and so she was more likely to be able to get some down time.
None of this really mattered much until I was pregnant with a baby of my own. Then other realities set in: questions about medication, diet, and, ahem, personal growth. I mean, seriously, who knew they could get so much bigger? The very thought gave me a headache but I wasn't allowed to take my migraine medicine or drown my sorrows in beer. And I really needed that beer, especially after I realized my body and my baby were public domain.
I am a private person. Seriously, I am. And so imagine my surprise when everyone from the guy who waxed my eyebrows, to my housekeeper, to the lady one sink over in the movie theater, starting asking me about my plans to breast feed. Only they weren't really asking. They were insisting.
Because Breast Is Best.
But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I did not believe that breast was best for me and my baby. First, the medication. Then, the physical reality of being a 34Z. Mostly, the fact that I do not do well without sleep. Not well at all. As in psychotic and homicidal and bitter, bitter, bitter.
If I breast fed, I was likely to lose my mind. Best case scenario, I would keep my baby alive. But I would probably stop liking her somewhere around night three, and move to outright hostility by night five. She would need therapy. I would need institutionalizing.
Still, Breast Is Best. I mean, if even the kid who bags my groceries thinks so, it must be true.
It's true, right?
I went on a quest to find out just how true. Sweet Hank, was I in for a surprise. I began to sift through the arguments, but I found that there were few hard facts, supported by statistics and numbers that I could compare and evaluate. Reputable sources (Dr. Sears, the FDA, and La Leche) claim that breast fed babies may experience certain advantages but they seldom get specific. And when something definite such as fewer ear infections or fewer instances of bowel problems, is mentioned, the numbers simply aren't quantified and the original studies are almost impossible to find. I was left wondering, how many fewer, how much of an advantage?
When I did find original studies, they were woefully small and limited (as in a sample group consisting of a single preschool class for 2 months, and only 5% more ear infections for bottle fed babies). To make things even more confusing, other sources attributed early ear infections to bottle propping and infant constipation to poor formula prep and storage, which can occur when bottle feeding but are also completely avoidable.
Breast was questionable, at best, as far as I was concerned. And all the while when I was making this decision, The Dol was breast feeding Baby Dol. She's promised to tell you about her experience in another post, and so I'll leave the details to her, while telling you that even though she is very glad she did it, nothing about her experience alleviated any of my concerns. If anything, her experience helped me transition from concern to outright fear.
As far as I could see, an average of 3 additional IQ points was not nearly enough to justify the pain of a clogged milk duct. And so my decision was made. I would not be breast feeding. Not for a year, or six months, or three months, or the first six weeks, or even the first few days. Not once. Not ever.
This was not a popular decision, although The Dol, despite her own choice to breast feed, gave me her unconditional support, for which I am to this day extremely thankful.
I expected the nurses at the hospital to be horrified by my choice. I was wrong. Instead, they said things such as "bottle babies tend to sleep longer between feedings and are quicker to sleep through the night," "you always know how many ounces, and whether or not it was a good feeding, when babies are on the bottle," and "bottle babies rarely get jaundice or have trouble with weight gain."
Seriously. There are health advantages to bottle feeding. Who freaking knew?
But as far as I'm concerned the biggest advantage for me was that other people could feed Secret Lulu. My mom flew out and got up with my baby so I could sleep through the night (three nights in a row, actually) and find my smile. Mr. Poppins got all kinds of happy bonding time while feeding his new darling. Friends and family, regardless of their position on breast feeding, loved being able to hold the bottle for her.
Did sharing feeding times cut into our bonding time? I don't think so. I carried her everywhere, wore her in the Bjorn until she was six months old and about to do permanent damage to my back, and still managed to be the one to deliver 95% or more of her feedings.
The reality is that, if anything, Secret Lulu is over-bonded to me. That's a clinical opinion, given by a trained psychologist, who informed me in no uncertain terms that it was time for us to begin to separate, for me to regain my identity outside of my little girl.
I haven't met a single person who knows us who disagrees.
Since my own experience, I have met others who promise that they loved breast feeding and never had a problem. I think that this has a lot to do with how much support they had lined up and how many people around them were breast feeding veterans. I don't say this to excuse my own decision not to breast feed--I don't feel I need an excuse--but as a bit of unsolicited advice for mom's who google their way here on their way to making a decision.
There are plenty of women who wear their scarred nipples as a badge of honor. They'll be happy to tell horror stories of mastitis, split nipples, and infections and then insist that if they can do it through all that, no one has any excuse not to do it. And people who opt out any way should be killed because they are child abusing, selfish jerkyheads.
I'm here to tell you that some women have a huge investment in believing breast feeding is the only right way, because if it's not, then boy were they silly for not just switching to a bottle. These true believers, like fundies everywhere, come at the question as if it isn't a question at all. Although if for some reason, say double mastectomy, you can't breast feed, you'll be hard-pressed to find one of them who believes your child will be damaged because of it. The feeling I get from these women is that real mothers are martyrs.
My advice is to stay away from these women.
If you believe you want to breast feed, find a doula who can help, a friend who has breast fed three kids, an aunt or a sister who isn't afraid to show you how to mash your nipple into a crying baby's mouth. Hang around mothers who aren't ashamed to be seen breast feeding, who will let you ogle the latching process, who will warn you against pressing your breast away from the baby's nose because the baby can breathe just fine as it is and you are going to give yourself a blister in an uncomfortable place if you do that. Remember that it's okay to have someone else bring the baby to you to feed at night, and then to take the fed baby away to be burped and have a diaper change while you go back to sleep.
And remember, that someone, somewhere will always think you're parenting wrong no matter what you do. It takes the pressure off.
Well said, my friend. And I will finish my post soon.
Posted by: The Dol | May 27, 2008 at 01:04 PM
Thanks Polly, for this post. I have always said I would breastfeed...probably because I have a mother who breastfed her 5 children. I will be fortunate to have her and some sisters in law around me who have experience with it as I try to figure it out. However, I had this huge fear that I wouldn't be able to do it (due to a couple other family members and friends that never made enough milk, or it was too hard, or too painful and found bottle feeding to be much better) and didn't know either that there WERE benefits to bottle feeding. I appreciate your opinion...along with the advice that "someone...will always thing you're parenting wrong..." I feel much better now.
Posted by: Equipoise | May 27, 2008 at 03:46 PM
Dol, I'm marking time here, dahling.
Equipoise, if I were to undertake breast feeding, knowing now what I did not know then, I would do it if, and only if, my only responsibilities for the first six to eight weeks postpartum were to feed the baby and to bathe myself. Actually, I would expect someone to bathe me. I think that if you have the right support, and a willingness to let others take care of things like cooking, cleaning, and diapering, then the experience could maybe, just maybe, be more affirming than exhausting. Actually, I'm pretty sure this is true. But, hey, if you decide on the bottle after all, well, I totally get that. Yeah. I practically invented getting that.
Posted by: Polly Poppins | May 27, 2008 at 03:59 PM
I am just going to say that I was totally brainwashed into believe that if I didn't breast feed my child, he would turn out to be a sociopathic serial killer. Turns out I can't breastfeed. (There is something physically wrong with my breast.) I gave up after a long long long week, when The Man pointed out how insane it all was. (I'm not ever sure it was a week, it felt like a year.) It was hell. And OMG the pain, as if all the post-partum grossness wasn't enough! (And I had a doulah, and a nurse and a lactation consultant. My mother cooked and cleaned.)
There is a stigma now about bottle feeding your children, I think. I remember being a playgroup and it was time for The Boy's bottle. So I fed him, half the group gasp. And the mom sitting next to me said "Thank you, I've been dreading having to pull the bottle out myself for L." It becomes about the breastfeeding not about happy healthy children.
Thanks for this post.
Posted by: Nat | May 27, 2008 at 04:45 PM
I've done it both ways, though its still a tad more complicated than that.
My twins were 29 week preemies. They never learned to latch. I believed then and still do now that breastmilk was the best thing I could do for their development, especially since my body had failed them so miserably during gestation (I went into full blown labor at 24 weeks). I pumped for them for a year and they were bottle fed expressed milk the entire time.
My third was born full term and attached to that breast as if his life depended on it. He took a bottle of EBM for 4 days while I had my gallbladder removed during emergency surgery when he was 10 weeks old. Never took another (and not for lack of effort on my part). He nursed until he was 17 months old.
Both methods of delivery have pros and cons, imo.
In case this comes off as anti-formula I should add that my preemies had their breastmilk fortified with high calorie formula until they were around 10 weeks old to help with growth.
Something went right. My 14 and 15 inch babies are amongst the youngest in their K class (April birthday) but the tallest and top two students academically in their class.
Posted by: J | May 27, 2008 at 06:45 PM
Such a personal decision for a mother to make. I took the middle of the road path with breast feeding, like I do with most things. I'm glad I did it, no regrets, regardless of how gross you thought my nipples were, the breast infection, and thrush. But I also had no quams about supplementing with formula or weening them at a few months. I also knew a breast reduction was going to be in order when I was done, but that was coming either way, so it didn't really matter.
Posted by: Diosa | May 28, 2008 at 06:51 AM
I believe it possible to raise healthy, happy children with either method.
I also believe it is a very personal decision and like birth control versus natural fertility, I am relieved it is mine to make, and yours to make.
We are the most qualified to make the decision, although I have met plenty of people who would beg to differ on both how I feed my child and how many children I ought to have. But when they voice their opinion it is not what is best for me that they are considering but what they believed to be best when they made, or reconsidered, their own decision.
I believe that they have every reason to be as wholly invested in their choice as they are but that they should not extend that investment to my choice.
Stigma V. Stigmata, with shame on one side and accusations on the other, is too extreme. The most important thing is to feed, nourish, protect, and love the baby and either method will help accomplish that.
To offer formula instead of breast milk is not to starve or neglect. To offer breast milk instead of formula is no guarantee of perfect health and happiness.
Posted by: Polly Poppins | May 28, 2008 at 08:33 AM
I'm commenting from the outside here, since I don't have any kids of my own yet. It's all still hypothetical for me.
I would love to breast feed if possible, and I'm all for moms who want to give it a try. But I also know it's not for everyone. And I think there's nothing sadder than a new mom who's slave to the idea that she "should" breast feed. My oldest sister insisted on only nursing, and it was an absolute nightmare. My nephew was underfed and basically starving, scrawny and skinny and ALWAYS CRYING. When he was old enough for baby food, he ballooned almost immediately into a fat, happy baby. I know a lot of moms who have been switch-hitters, who nursed once or twice a day and bottle-fed the other meals, or came up with other arrangements that fit their needs. And I think that's the sanest way to go. If your car wouldn't start, you wouldn't spens three months behind the wheel turning the key because it "should" start,you'd figure out how to make it work.
Posted by: Bookgirl | May 28, 2008 at 12:21 PM
Oh tit nazis are hilarious. There was actually a wank fest over at Livejournal because they weren't allowed to use breastfeeding pictures (which are considered as nudity) as their userpics.
What pisses me off is that their common argument was not against the censorship against female breasts in general, but only those with an attached infant because it's NACHURALLL and BYOOTIFUL. Baby-less breasts were in the same group as porn to them and should be banned to protect their (you guessed it) kids from such dirty images.
Posted by: Patti | May 28, 2008 at 04:10 PM
My mum had 5 kids and breast fed us all, and mostly it went well and she enjoyed it. But baby #4 BIT her! Up to 20 times per feed. My poor mum was distraught, wouldn't move to bottle feeding, but weaned the little animal very early.
Posted by: The Razzler | May 29, 2008 at 05:21 AM
This is a great post and it should be required reading in the labor & delivery rooms. There is not a medal for the mommy who breastfeeds! I took breastfeeding classes prior to my daughter's birth, read all the books and I was sure I was going to nurse her! After two very long weeks(including doctors visits, several lacation consultant visits and even a fake plastic nipple contraption thingy) I found out my daughter was allergic to milk protein! It took us 8 weeks to figure this out, at which time her doctor suggested I stop feeding her. She had to be on special formula for 2 years before her body could take Soy milk...I was crushed but when people questioned why I didn't nurse I could answer "Oh Shes Allergic!" Feel free to use this anyone-it shuts people up hee hee
I nursed my son for 6 weeks, and then decided Ok Im sick of being topless. It was much easier the second time because I knew he would be fine and I was grateful at least he could drink the formula!
Posted by: Curls | May 29, 2008 at 09:51 AM
I am reminding myself to be thankful that so many people, who really have so little reason to be invested in me or my child, care so deeply that I give my child the best care possible. It is not always easy to remember, and the words, gestures, and overall tone often belie the good intentions, but it is there all the same.
I truly believe that there is a very human tendency toward the ideal that if only one child could be parented perfectly, protected totally, loved completely, and kept from all fear, harm, or even discomfort, then angels would rejoice and the world would be redeemed. We so want to believe it can be done absolutely right.
Posted by: Polly Poppins | May 29, 2008 at 07:16 PM
Polly, I completely agree with you. (Except the part about about it making your boobs bigger, because they hit their peak during pregnancy and the engorgement after delivery, which happens to everyone.)
You know I'm no martyr. Neither of my kids has ever tasted formula, but only because breastfeeding is easier for us. I'm way too lazy to wash bottles, get up in the middle of the night and mix a bottle, etc. I've hardly been sleep deprived with my infants because when they wake up in the middle of the night, I just pop a boob in their mouth and we both go right back to sleep. There was an investment of effort/pain in the beginning (a couple weeks the first time, three days the second), but worth it to me for the convenience of it after that.
Now that I'm in school, I'm pumping and have to wash bottles and I'm finding that whole thing to be a bit of a pain in the ass, but I've told Captain Armani not to hesitate to bust out the formula if he runs out of milk.
I did tons of research about breastfeeding when I was pregnant with Model Jr., and I think it would have been a lot more difficult if I hadn't. I knew what the potential challenges we could face were, and how best to surmount them (and we did face some). My mom nursed my brothers and I for a few years each, but she was surprisingly little help. I had a great lactation consultant at the hospital though. If anybody wants breastfeeding tips, I'm your woman.
All that said, I unconditionally support the right of women to formula feed at will. I do believe that the general population should be encouraged to try to breastfeed and given better support/resources to help it not be so hard, but babies also absolutely thrive on formula, so I see no reason not to use it if that's what works best for you. The whole mother/martyr thing is SO retro.
Posted by: The Model | May 29, 2008 at 10:29 PM
The Model, you are, as ever, a voice of reason and calm in a crazy and chaotic world. I adore you and your aplomb.
Posted by: Polly Poppins | May 30, 2008 at 07:49 AM
I am a mother of six and have breast fed them all because it worked for US. It does not work for everyone. I work in Maternity and can tell you the stress of all the gagets and gizmos used to avoid nipple confusion and what not is absolutely crazy. In my opinion you should do whatever works for you,breast,bottle or both. Don't let opinions cause anxiety and miserable babies.
Posted by: Sarah | May 30, 2008 at 08:11 AM
Sarah, can I just say that I love that you commented. Truly.
Posted by: Polly Poppins | June 01, 2008 at 07:59 PM
Jesus Polly, I really want to join the conversation here but I dont have the next three days off to read all of these comments!!!
Posted by: Liz | June 02, 2008 at 06:49 PM