Polly recently wrote a post about bottle feeding. She asked if I would share with you about my experience breastfeeding. And so I shall.
I nursed my daughter until she was 17 months old. I always knew I would nurse when I had kids, and I loved doing it. I found it convenient and fulfilling. It seemed the most natural course of action for me personally and wasn’t a decision I struggled with in the least when I was pregnant. My mom nursed me. A very close friend of mine nursed her first two children before I had my one, and I just always knew I would.
Let me say, though, that no one can really prepare you for the experience of nursing. You can read all the books and get all the gear, and you won’t be able to predict how it will work.
When I delivered Baby Dol, I had a fourth-degree tear, which you can Google, but make sure you sit down when you read about it. Needless to say, I was wrecked by the time she was finally born, and I was unconscious for the first six hours of her life. I didn’t nurse her until about nine hours after she was born, and I don’t remember doing it, so I can’t imagine I was terribly successful. My husband, desperate to get something into her baby tummy, gave her a small amount of formula.
Guess what? It was fine.
No problem bonding, no problem nursing later. I missed the Golden Hour, as they call it, and it really didn’t amount to a hill of beans for us.
I had some trouble the first few days with blistering. So, when Baby Dol was about three days old, I made an appointment to see a lactation consultant, and it was one of the best things I did as a new mother. She corrected the problem by telling me to stop putting my finger under the baby’s nose to create space for her to breathe. As Polly mentioned in her post, it was not necessary. Babies have been nursing for eons, and they won’t suffocate whilst they do so. But the even bigger favor she did for me was to tell me, almost as an aside, that I shouldn’t be surprised if I felt blue or weepy when the baby hit about 10 days old. Well, Ha, Ha, Ha, I thought to myself. I’m fine! This gig is tough, but there’s no crying in baseball, right?
Wrong.
Just like clockwork, Baby Dol hit the ten day mark and I was crying over every Kodak commercial or heartwarming story that entered into my range of consciousness. But because the lactation lady had told me to expect it, I was able to relax about it and not wonder what was wrong with me. I knew that it was my hormones, and that it would go away. And it did. I didn’t suffer from the depression that so many new mothers experience. It was just a case of the blues, and it went away after a couple of weeks.
After that, things were pretty good between baby and me. Modest as I am, I nursed her pretty much anywhere. I was discreet, and never had any problems with people being freaked out or offended by my nursing. Nursing was easy in most respects, and Baby Dol did well and was quite healthy in every respect.
Then, at about six months of age, up until Baby Dol was a little over a year old, I had a recurring milk plug on one side. (And by recurring, I mean it happened pretty much every day.) For the uninitiated, it hurts. Bad. I got, if I recall correctly, three cases of mastitis. It was incredibly discouraging, and no one seemed to be able to give me any solution that actually worked. (I optimistically had a heating pad on my boob every day to try and relieve the plugged duct. I don’t think it made a lick of difference either.) It finally went away on its own. My husband told me he wouldn’t blame me if I wanted to wean her early, but I really didn’t want to. I mean, I really didn’t want to.
Why didn’t I wean her?
That’s an excellent question, and I wish I could answer it. Part of the problem is that my memory of that part of my life is a little fuzzy. I don’t operate well on low levels of sleep. The other thing is that I think there were a couple of reasons that it was important for me to keep going.
First, I think I was generally optimistic that it would somehow be better tomorrow. Six months is a lot of tomorrows. But, beyond that, I just really liked nursing. Not only was it convenient, I just got a real feeling of satisfaction out of doing it. I didn’t get the euphoria thing that a lot of moms report. I had a really painful let-down reflex, actually. Perhaps, as a new mom, it was one of the things that I felt I could do consistently well, and do well despite the difficulty of it.
Every parent knows that it’s nice to feel you’ve done something well.
It was also during that time that I started to get public commentary about When To Stop Nursing. I heard from the childless (and male) about teeth, and that babies with teeth bite. For the record, Baby Dol started teething at seven months and she never once bit me.
People also started asking when I would be weaning her. I got the impression that it was ok to continue nursing until she was one year old, but not a bloody day past or I would be a Hippie Granola Tree Hugging Peacenik who would probably drop acid into her rice cereal. I started to sense that people were noticing that I was nursing her. I didn’t feel that I was welcome to sit in the family room and nurse her if we had relatives around. I can’t remember if anyone said anything specific, but I remember feeling this way. Mostly I ignored it, but there were times when I just wanted to relax and nurse my child, so I did it in my bedroom.
When I was pregnant, I discovered that people consider pregnant women public property, and also the responsibility of everyone. It’s sort of sweet in a way: people give up their seats and open doors, and are generally made happy by your pregnant state. It’s also a little weird and intrusive to have strangers comment on what you order to eat. (“Do you know that deli meats can be bad for your baby?” “You’re not ordering that cup of coffee for yourself, are you?”)
When you have a child, people are still judgmental. They have their own (often rigid) ideas about how you should do things. The reality is that everything about being a parent requires flexibility and compromise. Many nursing moms could use the flexibility that bottle-feeding provides, and would also like to continue to nurse. This practice (so-called “supplementing”) is frowned upon by many nursing advocates.
Well, here’s a news flash: Parenting is not for purists.
We all have our neurotic issues when it comes to our kids, but even the germ-phobe has probably picked the binky up off the floor and put it back in the baby’s mouth without disinfecting. (Don’t lie to us! We are moms, we have eyes in the backs of our heads and we saw you do it.) Oh, and don’t get the general public started on the dangers of the binky.
That said, if I had to do it all over again (which I won’t, because one is enough for us), I would.
And I’d make sure to plan on seeing a lactation specialist soon after the baby is born, just for the reassurance and for any tips she might have to make a very difficult situation even slightly easier. I would go easy on myself, and let the house go to hell. Even better, I would get someone to clean the house every week and do all the laundry while she was at it. I’d figure that I’d need six weeks to feel like I had the hang of it, and not expect myself to manage or be responsible for anything other than nursing for that long.
Also, Netflix is key during this period. I recommend back episodes of The West Wing and Grey’s Anatomy. I would try to relax. I would enjoy my new baby and my nice new rack. I would probably even drink a little more wine than I allowed myself.
Anything for a good night’s sleep.
I nursed my oldest for a couple of months after mastitis, a breast infection, and then constant thrush. It just got to be too hard and I weened him after about 10 weeks. My youngest I nursed about 5 and half months. It was just so much easier with him because it was my second time, and especially because he was a better nurser. It's so dependent not just on the mother, but also the child, and the given circumstances at the time. I just try to keep an open mind with the way others parent. It's not like any of us really knows what we're doing, and the rules/recommendations are constantly changing on us.
Posted by: Diosa | June 05, 2008 at 07:38 AM
I really appreciate this post. I'm about to become a new Mom and have been surrounded by people lately who didn't/couldn't breastfeed for different reasons. My Mom breastfed 5 kids and all the women in my family breastfed...but after seeing all these women in my life have such a hard time with it, I have been worried. I've always wanted to breastfeed...and I'm certain it's not going to be easy. Your post gave me hope and conviction that it's worth it. So, thanks.
Posted by: Equipoise | June 05, 2008 at 09:05 AM
Diosa: I agree--there is definitely a unique relationship between a mother and each of her children when they are nursing. It seems to "click" better with some babies than others. And the wisdom seems to be that any amount of nursing, even just for the first few days (perhaps especially so in the first few days) is beneficial for immune protection.
Equipoise: You never know, it may be an absolute breeze for you. I hope it is! I have a number of friends who had no problems at all. And really, despite the troubles I had, I look back on it as an overwhelmingly positive experience.
Posted by: The Dol | June 05, 2008 at 09:46 AM
"Parenting is not for purists."
Love that. Great post.
I really hope that no matter what women decide is right for them and their children, that they feel supported. (I bottle fed -- these boobs are just for show. Not that I didn't try to make them functional.)
Posted by: Nat | June 05, 2008 at 10:11 AM
You and I had pretty similar experiences I think, Dol. As I recall, you weaned about a month before we did. I had inverted nipples, which was painful at the outset but easily corrected. After that, just a ridiculous, overly abundant supply and overactive let-down. But those were the only issues, and it was otherwise easy (like I mentioned in the other post, I had a great LC at the hospital). Now that I'm nursing Captain Jr, I'm in the process of applying to donate to the International Breast Milk Project to put my oversupply to good use.
Anyway, you're right about people being judgmental when it comes to children. I've often wondered if The Baby Doc has patients whose parents just make terrible choices and how frustrating that must be for him. I'm sure he's pretty zen/non-judgmental about it though.
You're so right that parenting is not for purists. I'll have to add that to my list of parenting tenets (which I just made up right now):
1. It's not a competition.
2. You're going to screw up your kids at least a little.
3. It's a marathon, not a sprint.
4. Change is the only constant.
5. Everything in moderation.
6. Do your best and they'll be fine.
Posted by: The Model | June 05, 2008 at 09:33 PM
Nat: Agreed. There are so many ways to be a good parent, and if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. We have to make choices that will work for us individually.
Model: You are spot on, dear. As always, you exude inner calm and poise, all the while looking beautiful, and saving the whales, zsa zsa.
Posted by: The Dol | June 07, 2008 at 04:00 PM
And yay for Polly, who might just tip over backwards next time you see her. ;-)
Posted by: The Dol | June 07, 2008 at 04:01 PM
The Dol - I was so sure I was going to breasfeed my kid until he was 3. And I'm not kidding. I was all hippie crunchy granola freak about it. And then he was born, and it hurt my boobs so i quit. And so goes parenting...
Its so funny how we adapt to just do what works best for us and for our babies. I had so many ideas (or points of view, rather) about how I would raise this baby and every day - especially these days when he's just getting into EVERYTHING, I'm learning that I just can't plan parenting. I am learning new things at what feels like the same rate as my baby.
Posted by: Liz | June 08, 2008 at 07:31 PM
PS - The Dol - i just finished watching each and every season of The West Wing on DVD (I do it about once a year). Its certainly my favorite. And now you can know where my son Toby got his name and where my dog Santos got his name.
Posted by: Liz | June 08, 2008 at 07:34 PM
No WAY!!! People who name children and pets after West Wing characters are the finest people in the world. My daughter also has a West Wing name, though she wasn't technically named for the character.
Favorite WW quote:
"...education is the silver bullet. Education is everything. We don't need little changes, we need gigantic changes. Schools should be palaces; the competition for the best teachers should be fierce, they should be making six figure salaries. Schools should be incredibly expensive for government and absolutely free of charge to its citizens, just like national defense. That's my position. I just haven't figured out how to do it yet." -Sam Seaborn
Posted by: The Dol | June 09, 2008 at 01:16 PM
Same with Toby. He's not actually named Toby because of the character (although he was my favorite character) it just so happened that I loved the name and the show and there you have it. Santos on the other hand - absolutely named after Matthew Santos. I rescued Santos from the pet store the same day that the last episode of the West wing aired. And Santos is a chihuahua, so the Hispanic name fit - it was just too good to be true.
I have a LIST, no kidding, a list of great quotes form WW. I can't tell you how much I liked that show. I have every season on DVD and I really do watch each and every episode about once a year. And before I reveal any more dorkiness, I'm going to stop.
PS - Go Barry O, go!!!!!! (I'm sure your just as pleased as I am right now politically.)
Posted by: Liz | June 09, 2008 at 07:01 PM
Yes We Can!!! Woo-hoo!!!
And I hope you will share your list of WW quotes. Seriously.
Posted by: The Dol | June 10, 2008 at 07:39 AM
Um, I want the WW quotes too!!!!! I one time stood in a store seriously debating buying the "Bartlett is my President" bumper sticker...
Posted by: Bookgirl | June 10, 2008 at 08:11 AM
Dol, I was the one who pointed out that the Dol's name was the same as that character. I want credit. I'm feeling needy. No one will take my drains out and I was awake all night. I know I wasn't sleeping because I was pacing. I think I'm a tweaker now.
Posted by: Polly Poppins | June 12, 2008 at 07:54 AM
Aw, poor Pols. :-( I hereby give you credit, and a "There, there," for all your troubles. It's horrible to feel yucky and to not sleep well on top of it. Make sure you take it easy today.
Posted by: The Dol | June 12, 2008 at 08:02 AM
Thank you all for being such grownups about this whole breast feeding topic. As a wise woman once told her daughter: it's important that you feed the baby. How you do that is up to you.
The Dol and I (and Diosa, Sarah, Equipoise, Nat, and even Bookgirl--and anyone I might have missed) only have our stories and maybe those of our closest friends' stories to tell. There are many stories as there are babies, which means even more stories than there are mamas. You guys rock. Keep loving your kids, doing your best, and indulging in the occasional pedicure and glass of wine and don't worry too much about how the bottle and/or breast thing works out. Just feed the baby.
One of the main reasons I wouldn't even try breast feeding was because I didn't think I could handle the pressure and guilt if I changed my mind, and that's not internal pressure and guilt I'm talking about. I think everyone should be able to make this choice, and make it again and again, in a loving and supportive environment where someone else does the dishes and the laundry, even if you're using bottles. Seriously.
Just feed the baby.
Posted by: Polly Poppins | June 14, 2008 at 04:41 PM