If You Belonged Here

Origin of Personality

So I went to this seminar a couple of weeks ago, only it wasn't what I'm used to because it lasted longer than four hours and a lunch break. Much longer. As in three full days longer. And by days, I mean from say 9 in the morning until 10 at night, which is, in my opinion, excessive.

But I was ready for excessive, so I didn't complain so much, only endured. Until finally, after my butt blisters had begun to resolve themselves into calluses, I finally had my a-ha moment and, while in retrospect this would have been reasonable, it had nothing to do with padding my chair with a pillow.

This is what happened.

The seminar leader told us that it is his (and the people who pay him to lead the seminar) opinion that personality originates in three moments:

1. Something is Wrong Here
2. I Don't Belong
3. I'm on My Own

The first moment takes place somewhere between the ages of 3-6, and it is possibly, as far as I could tell, the first moment of self-consciousness, possibly the first time you remember being embarrassed, but not necessarily. For example, someone tells a Polish joke and you realize you're Polish and that, according to the joke you must be stupid but you don't want to be stupid so in order to be not stupid, you decide that you will be smart. If personality is the Trivial Pursuit pie, this is your first piece.

The second moment is somewhere between 10-14, around puberty, and it is also probably a moment when you are feeling vulnerable. Maybe you walk up to a lunch table on your first day of middle school and are told there is no room for you, or maybe someone really cool saved you a seat. Maybe you feel rejected or like an imposter. Whatever. You are sure you don't belong because you are not cool or you listen to the wrong music or you don't know what a blow job is. So you decide you are going to find a way to belong, maybe you'll be funny or thoughtful or tough, instead of lame, clueless, and uncoordinated. This is the second piece.

The third moment is somewhere between 18-22 for most people. It's the first time you realize no one is coming to save you. If you joined the military out of high school, it is likely the moment a drill instructor screamed in your face and poked you in that tender little patch of skin that resides just over your voice box. This is the moment you have to decide how you will be in the world, which if you were in the military, is probably on time, attentive, and buttoned up as opposed to a screw up.

So the thing is there is something you are afraid of being, that you don't want to be, and then there is the strength you draw on to compensate for that other way of being. The strengths, all three of them, are your strong suits and they make up the core of your personality.

Now none of this is my a-ha, but it's getting closer. You see, strengths are only strengths when they are strengths but if you try to use them when they are not going to be useful, they become weaknesses.

Oh.

Kind of like, if you have a hammer, a screw driver, and a wrench, you can pretty much handle most household maintenance. Unless your toilet is clogged. Then you need a toilet snake, a plunger, or some detergent (see previous post). But if you insist that you can get the job done with a hammer, well, at best you're going to be frustrated.

At worst, say in a situation where the hammer doesn't work so you just hammer harder because, hey, that's your tool and It Has Worked Before. I imagine that eventually you might get through the porcelain to the problem and even dislodge it but you are going to make a mighty mess and, by the time you're finished, the clog will be sorta besides the point.

A-ha.

I get that. You see, I am organized. As in: I Am Organized. Only once, I told Mr. Poppins, I don't really know if I'm all that organized in spirit, definitely in practice, but not so much in spirit. I feel like organized is a coat I put on one day and everyone looked at me and pointed and said, "hey, look at the organized girl" and ever since then I have to be that thing or I might get caught not being that thing and people would say something like "hey, she's actually kind of a mess" and then who would I be?

Not someone I want to be.

And I am resourceful. I can really figure things out. I'm very aware that I don't know everything but I also believe that there are books and the internet for that, so if someone has done it, I can find out about it, and then I can do it. Maybe not brain surgery in a moving taxi, but then again, maybe. Depends on the books available. This is more exhausting than it sounds and actually creates a lot of problems because instead of just being able to say "I don't know" and feel relief, I say "I'll find out" and take responsibility. Even when no one expects me to.

Even when I shouldn't.

I know that's only two things but if you know me, I'm sure you have an opinion about the third. I'm not soliciting it. Actually, I'd prefer you'd keep it to yourself. But if you need a hint, well, I'm not finishing this post but usually I would because I always finish what I start.

Worried All the Time

Before David Anderegg wrote Nerds, he wrote Worried All the Time: Overparenting in an Age of Anxiety and How to Stop It. You know, the book that was mentioned on the cover of the book Nerds, right. You know, the one with the title Mr. Poppins took one look at and said "yeah, you should read that book."

Now I could have been offended by the implications of that comment but, well, I was already making a mental note to get the book because, really, I already knew I should read it. The only thing Mr. Poppins's comment did was make me forget that I could get it for free from Bookgirl and so I paid for it.

I really hate paying for it when I can get it for free.

Only this time I didn't mind so much because I really wanted the book. I needed the book. I was born to read this book. So I knew that my money was well spent and that I would definitely get some value, which I did.

This is the thing. I know a lot of people look at me and think I am out-of-all-proportion worried about my spawn. Let me be clear, I know this because it's been pointed out to me, kind of how one's nearest and dearest will point out a wad of toilet paper trailing from one's shoe. It is there, it is evident, and maybe most people would be uncomfortable mentioning it but, given the love we share, it would be unconscionable not to say something.

I get that.

It doesn't help all that much though. I wish I could just do a little toe-heel shuffle and skip free of my parental concerns but I cannot quite seem to shake them. So there you go.

But Andy (remember, he said I could call him that), gave me some reasons, some explanations, and some reassurance, as well as a few helpful hints. I appreciate all that.

You see, I only have the one offspring, so all of my eggs are in one basket (there's a biology pun in there, I think), so of course I'm going to be a little more concerned that Secret Lulu be a good egg. Then there's the vigilance thing. Andy calls it hyper-vigilance, because it's on all of the time in full force, even when it's not at all useful. This is not to be confused with pathological integrity, which is a term Andy invented to describe the conflict that today's parents face when it comes time for their children to do all of those things that the aforementioned parents did when they were their age.

But there's this other thing, you know, the media. Do you remember when you were little and you could full-on play in the backseat of your parent's car because you weren't wearing a seat belt. Or how you could go to the park by yourself, not to make out with your crush, but to actually swing and slide without your parents supervising you?

I have, for a long time, suspected that the reason we find parenting so exhausting these days is because we actually attempt to non-stop supervise our children. I also suspect that this is why parents these days seem to be so horrified by their children's behavior and decide to medicate them, whereas fifty years ago, boys would just be boys. It's not that the kids are so much more wild or insane, it's that the parents are actually witnessing the wild insanity. Seriously, Mr. Poppins lit stuff on fire when he was a kid and nobody even noticed.

So the thing is, there is an expectation that we will watch our own kids rather than letting the big ones raise  the little ones, and we will witness things that seem significant in the context of hyper-vigilance, and we will freak out and then we will take it all very seriously because, hey, we have the internet and there are clinical, classifying, and pathologizing names for the way our kids behave and they are scary.

For example, a child can either be melting down or disregulated, energetic or ADHD, quirky or OCD. This is over-simplification but if you've ever had someone peg your somewhat-introverted-kid-who-marches-to-the-beat-of-her-own-drummer as autistic because they saw a red flag, then you know how stressful it can be to have a kid who isn't particularly excited about circle time. Because it's not just about circle time, it's about the fate of the human race. Or at least my contribution to it.

Andy has a lot to say about that. And I got it, really. So I feel better, which is more than enough reason for me to recommend this if you, too, are up to your elbows in worry.

Building a New Tomorrow

I felt like playing a little kokology, and since this was the next puzzle in the book, and the name of the puzzle seemed to tie in so nicely with The Dol's latest round of posts.

(p.31)The clock struck twelve, the ball dropped in Times Square, and the sound of champagne corks popping was heard around the globe. And after all the buildup, hoopla, and hype, after the apocalyptic anxieties and eager anticipation, the world somehow managed to find its way safely into the new millennium. Looking back, we can see the prophecies of doom were overblown and the Y2K bug seems more like little more than a ploy to sell system upgrades. But we, the last children of the twentieth century, all shared for a moment that sense of newness and opportunity--the chance to make the world better than the one we inherited and create a legacy to share with our children and theirs over the next thousand years.

1. You are working for an urban planning corporation and have been assigned to the community development team for a major new millennium project. You have been asked to come up with an inspirational theme for the city. What theme do you propose?

2. The project team has a number of members, each with a certain set of experiences and skills. Why do you think you were selected to participate in this project? (Give as many reasons as you like.)

3. What kind of person is the project manager? Describe his or her personality and qualities as a leader.

When I picked this one and started typing I didn't realize it wasn't multiple choice. Give me a moment to feel sorry for myself that I have to think and type an answer instead of just going with a, b, or c.

Okay.

1. I'm not feeling very inspired but if I took a shot at a general concept it would have something to do with "harmony," much like the coke commercial with all the teaching the world to sing, only the harmony would be a balance and flow of business, home, community, and green areas existing in a renewable and responsible way. Something like that.

2. I think I was selected because I am reliable and because I will make the project happen.

3. The project manager is organized, informed, curious, bold, a good listener, who is willing to take responsibility for the outcome.

Thanks for playing. The key will be here once I'm done getting it typed.