This Ship Has Sailed

When I lived in Georgia, on a military base, I remember that a submarine went out with men and women on board. First time ever. It was historic.

Then it was historic again. Because while the ship was supposed to be out at sea for six months or so, they had to cut their travels short because a lot of the women were outgrowing their uniforms. Now everyone knows that cafeteria food isn't usually all that tasty, and I have to think being away from fresh supplies makes it less so, so we can rule out the freshman fifteen, right?

Newsflash: the women were pregnant.

I mean, I don't know how it happened. First of all, they weren't supposed to be having sex, which is why the women weren't allowed birth control, because they absolutely didn't need it. There are rules against sex in the military. Stuff about fraternizing. Whatever. Second of all, they weren't allowed in each other's quarters and since no one can have sex without a bed, well, I don't even know how what happened could have even happened. Unless, they sneaked around and lied, but they wouldn't do that, because these are honorable people we're talking about. So maybe it just happened. Like maybe men and women were left alone together in sick bay or something and then one thing led to another and they got carried away and it only happened once and they feel terrible about it now.

Maybe it just happened. Like 33 times, to 33 different people. Because hey, everyone makes a mistake once in a while. Just one mistake. Right?

Wrong.

People will, if given any free time at all, often find a way to fit sex into it. I mean first they have to have run out of things to watch on cable, and maybe finish the last few chapters of the latest Twilight book, and maybe eat some strawberry ice cream before someone else gets to it first, but after that, if there's any time left over and they aren't too tired, they'll often get around to having sex. Especially if they are young and, you know, horny.

But since our children are just children, they aren't supposed to have sex and they are not supposed to need birth control. And if only bad people have sex outside of marriage, well, being on the pill implies an intention to be bad, which is sinful, which is evil. Well, those kids aren't planning on being evil, so they can't plan on protecting themselves, so there you go. Because they aren't having sex. Except for maybe that one time when they were left alone in the nurses office and one thing led to another and they got carried away and it only happened once and they feel terrible about it now.

Do you know how many teenage girls I know who got pregnant the very first time they had sex? Neither do I, but I'm guessing it's significantly less than the number of teenage girls I know who claim to have gotten pregnant the very first time they had sex. Seriously. You get caught, cop to a lesser plea. Everyone knows that. It's called plea bargaining on Law & Order. Or in real life, you could call it lying.

Not that I blame anyone for lying. Except for when they do it to themselves. Because, as my mama always said, one lie leads to another, and the another lie is usually way more significant than the first one. We call that the snowball effect. Here's how it works: since some teenagers are already not having sex (except for that one time that they feel terrible about now), they have no need to worry that they may become pregnant, and even when they do become pregnant, they can't be pregnant so, therefore, they are not pregnant, which is why they do not seek out options.

They don't need options. They are not having sex.

So a girl will often be more than fourteen weeks along before there is glaring evidence to the contrary, namely a protruding belly, before she is even actually pregnant according to the aforementioned logic. So there you go. Unless you are super lucky enough to not show at all, or to hide your belly with, say, huge sweatshirts. In that case, you can go to prom, dump the thing that falls out of you (that is definitely not a baby because you aren't pregnant) into a trash can, and still make it home in time for curfew, reassuring your parents that you, unlike the statistical tramps who lose their virginity on prom night, are a really good girl.

Anyone know how many high school girls get pregnant in this country every year who aren't even having sex?

Too many. And also none.

But don't worry, if the girls do get pregnant because of that one time they feel terrible about, they can always marry the guy and then it will be like the premarital sex never happened, which we all know is the important part to worry about. Because seventeen-year-olds are really equipped to make great parents, not just the kind who are doing great for seventeen, but really super completely and totally the best parents. And since the baby has the kind of parents who wouldn't have sex until they got married, well, everything is going to be perfect because families with a mother and father who are married (you know, the way only a man and a woman, or in this case a girl and a boy, can be) are the foundation of this country.

I feel better already.