Worried All the Time

Before David Anderegg wrote Nerds, he wrote Worried All the Time: Overparenting in an Age of Anxiety and How to Stop It. You know, the book that was mentioned on the cover of the book Nerds, right. You know, the one with the title Mr. Poppins took one look at and said "yeah, you should read that book."

Now I could have been offended by the implications of that comment but, well, I was already making a mental note to get the book because, really, I already knew I should read it. The only thing Mr. Poppins's comment did was make me forget that I could get it for free from Bookgirl and so I paid for it.

I really hate paying for it when I can get it for free.

Only this time I didn't mind so much because I really wanted the book. I needed the book. I was born to read this book. So I knew that my money was well spent and that I would definitely get some value, which I did.

This is the thing. I know a lot of people look at me and think I am out-of-all-proportion worried about my spawn. Let me be clear, I know this because it's been pointed out to me, kind of how one's nearest and dearest will point out a wad of toilet paper trailing from one's shoe. It is there, it is evident, and maybe most people would be uncomfortable mentioning it but, given the love we share, it would be unconscionable not to say something.

I get that.

It doesn't help all that much though. I wish I could just do a little toe-heel shuffle and skip free of my parental concerns but I cannot quite seem to shake them. So there you go.

But Andy (remember, he said I could call him that), gave me some reasons, some explanations, and some reassurance, as well as a few helpful hints. I appreciate all that.

You see, I only have the one offspring, so all of my eggs are in one basket (there's a biology pun in there, I think), so of course I'm going to be a little more concerned that Secret Lulu be a good egg. Then there's the vigilance thing. Andy calls it hyper-vigilance, because it's on all of the time in full force, even when it's not at all useful. This is not to be confused with pathological integrity, which is a term Andy invented to describe the conflict that today's parents face when it comes time for their children to do all of those things that the aforementioned parents did when they were their age.

But there's this other thing, you know, the media. Do you remember when you were little and you could full-on play in the backseat of your parent's car because you weren't wearing a seat belt. Or how you could go to the park by yourself, not to make out with your crush, but to actually swing and slide without your parents supervising you?

I have, for a long time, suspected that the reason we find parenting so exhausting these days is because we actually attempt to non-stop supervise our children. I also suspect that this is why parents these days seem to be so horrified by their children's behavior and decide to medicate them, whereas fifty years ago, boys would just be boys. It's not that the kids are so much more wild or insane, it's that the parents are actually witnessing the wild insanity. Seriously, Mr. Poppins lit stuff on fire when he was a kid and nobody even noticed.

So the thing is, there is an expectation that we will watch our own kids rather than letting the big ones raise  the little ones, and we will witness things that seem significant in the context of hyper-vigilance, and we will freak out and then we will take it all very seriously because, hey, we have the internet and there are clinical, classifying, and pathologizing names for the way our kids behave and they are scary.

For example, a child can either be melting down or disregulated, energetic or ADHD, quirky or OCD. This is over-simplification but if you've ever had someone peg your somewhat-introverted-kid-who-marches-to-the-beat-of-her-own-drummer as autistic because they saw a red flag, then you know how stressful it can be to have a kid who isn't particularly excited about circle time. Because it's not just about circle time, it's about the fate of the human race. Or at least my contribution to it.

Andy has a lot to say about that. And I got it, really. So I feel better, which is more than enough reason for me to recommend this if you, too, are up to your elbows in worry.

Comments

[Polly Poppins]

Thanks for the heads up, Diosa. I just reposted a duplicate of the original post and deleted the original and that solved the problem. Not elegant but efficient.

[karla]

Oh. So I should get it.
Especially if I am still up at 1 am, even knowing that I will need to get up at 3 and 6 to nurse, researching all of the possible reasons my baby could be SO fussy. And thinking that it must be because I am not allowing him to latch on right and I am eating the wrong things and I am not moving him to the right breast at the right time....or something. Somehow, my baby's fussiness plays a big part in the world's end and I am to blame for all of it.

[Alice]

Does the book come with a starter kit of Xanex?
It should. Then I'd buy it.

[Polly Poppins]

Karla, I will tell you what Mr. Poppins told me: there are just enough remedies for fussiness to keep the mother busy until fussiness subsides on its own.

Alice, actually the books do come with starter kits of Xanax glued right on the cover but people keep stealing them and leaving the books behind. Results are still pretty good.