How to Choose Your Battles

So the question on my mind this week is this: how do I know "when to hold 'em, when to fold 'em, when to walk away, and when to run?" 

Well, first I decide if the issue is important to me. Then I look at all the sides and choose mine, often having to fabricate an as-of-yet non-existent position to take into account all of the subtle nuances of my opinion. Then I decide what I can do about that position, if anything, and adjust my actions accordingly. If I can persuade someone else to go along with my crackpot ideas, I'm always happy, as long as the conversion was hard won and I feel we have truly met an understanding of minds.

I don't bother wasting energy arguing with people who can't influence the outcome of the situation or who, if they are persuaded, aren't really responding to my spooky brand of logic at all but some greater need to have harmony in our relationship.

I don't need that kind of harmony, people. 

But I avoid talking to crazy people. You know, the kind who might set my dog afire, or gauge out my eyes, or yell, or something like that. So that's a place to start.

Mostly, I'd rather not battle at all. Not in the interest of ever-loving harmony but because I'm more about the free exchange of ideas and trying to understand the other person than I am about trying to convert them. I am also about them trying to understand me. And mutual respect, which of course needs to be earned, or at least established. 

I am also about making sure that I've arrived at the right battle. No sense getting my knickers in a twist about something that is taken out of context or misquoted or just plain not my conversation. Like, I wouldn't walk over to two people dishing about candidates in Starbucks and tell them that they are wrong because they just happen to be talking about something I have a different opinion on.

Sure, they're having that conversation in a public place and they've allowed me to overhear it, and sure I have a well-thought out position on that topic and a matching bumper sticker for my car, but it's not my business. Now if, say, my mom calls me with the same opinion, I might try to get past my initial shock and horror to see her reasoning, and maybe attempt to dismantle it with my own, but not if she gets emotional because, as I already typed, I don't do that. Someone else might, but I don't.

Because at the end of the day, I'm okay with agreeing to disagree. I prefer the person disagreeing with me to be in possession of an argument that is at least rational unto itself, but I wasn't born into this world waving a magic wand--clearly an oversight--and so I get what I get. I don't cry about it at night.

So let's see. How can I illustrate this point without bringing in specifics that will distract people from the generalization that I'm trying to make here? Okay, I'll make up a ballot proposition. Let's call it Prop Kiss Me, I'm Irish. 

Now I'm all for Kissing the Irish and I've even done it myself once or twice but I don't want to have to kiss every person of Irish heritage that I meet. I mean, they aren't all Matt M., so there you go. Wait. Is he Irish? Well, let's say he is for the sake of this battle. Anyway, I don't want to have to kiss the Irish so I'm voting against it. Call me closed-minded, I just can't make that promise. And I'd be more worried about this but the town I live in doesn't have any Irish.

(anyone who might be thinking of correcting me on that, take a moment to realize how ridiculous you'll sound to those of us who get suspension of disbelief and the limitations of arbitrary examples)

Anyway, I've got an opinion and I've got a slight interest in having my opinion agreed with, after all, I don't want Prop KMI to pass, because it might, I'm not sure how, ruin an otherwise fine day maybe someday in the future. Again.

Now, my opinion isn't carved in stone, and maybe it's based on ignorance, and maybe it's self-centered, and maybe it's just plain evil. I don't know. I haven't thought about it that much. So you have an opportunity to sway me, say if you're pro Prop KMI. You could call me names but, let's face it, calling someone a doodie-head isn't likely to put them in a receptive mood. Or you could listen to me, try to figure out what it is I object to because maybe there's already a built in clause that says something like "only if you feel like it" and then I won't be so personally worried.

Or you could realize that there is no Proposition Kiss Me I'm Irish and not work yourself up into a froth over something that doesn't exist, can't have any effect, and isn't really about Kissing or Irish or anything at all.

So that's what I try to do, first I figure out if there's something to fight about, then I figure out if it's my personal fight or a fight that has meta-level implications for people as a whole (and since I'm people, I like to know these things), then I decide what capacity I can battle in, then I go for it. Or I stay home. Because, hey, I might have a headache.

What I don't do is get hip-deep in a battle for nothing with no one in particular for no good reason at all. That's just wasting time.

And seriously, I'd rather get my nails done.

Oh, and one more thing: I try to remember that the battle is not the war. There are implications there people, but I'll let you sermonize for yourselves.

  

Comments

[Alice]

I really thought choosing your battles was going to be in reference to Secret Lulu - you know because people always say that about kids - choose your battles. You werent talking about Lulu, but I'm going to talk about choosing battles in regards to my kid - because thats what I got geared up for before i started reading.

It seems like a silly notion to have any battles with my kid when all I really have to do is give him car keys or cake and he's over whatever was about to be a battle.

So I'm not choosing any battles.

And I don't know how I feel about bumper stickers. I'm afraid to go all out with the political bumper stickers because I dont want the other team to set my car on fire.

I know that sounds silly but just search you tube for McCain rallies and the word Ohio and you'll see what I mean

[Polly Poppins]

Alice, I subscribe to what I lovingly refer to as the "Silence Is Golden Method of Parenting."

I totally get what you're saying.

Only no matter how accommodating you are, eventually The Poo will lead you into battle. You won't want to go, and you will seriously consider letting him just have the flame thrower, but you'll want to avoid prison because you live in Ohio and we all know about prison in Ohio, so you'll soldier up.

And then you'll get your tubes tied.

As for the bumper sticker. Shortly after posting, I had the opportunity to notice that my bumper sticker is missing. Someone totally stole my bumper sticker. Maybe they didn't keep it, or tear it up, maybe they only relocated it to another car or something, but, well, how about a little outrage over that, huh?

That bumper sticker was a gift. The Dol adhered it to magnet stripping with her own two hands. There's no replacing it. Unless of course, The Dol can give me another one. But, that's just pie-in-the-sky talk there.

[Alice]

See - I'm telling you - if that bumper sticker had been stuck instead of magnetized (maybe not a word?) those crazies would have done God knows what to your car!

I don't have a yard sign for the same reason. I have tee shirts people, tee shirts. If someone wants to remove them, they will have to go to great lengths. Plus I think maybe people notice the message more when its stuck to my tits.

[Diosa]

Polly, a magnetic bumper sticker is just so you. Mine's just the regular kind. And I waited until my Obama/Biden sticker came in to remove the Kerry/Edwards sticker. That's not quite so dangerous in RI.

Alice, Polly is right, you'll do battle with the Poo whether you want to or not. Just wait until you find him on the roof. I ordered alarms for the windows in the boys' rooms last week.

[Polly Poppins]

Alice, you have a point.

Diosa, so do you.

[White Rabbit]

Yes, you must choose your battles well, especially with people you have to maintain long term relationships with.

Sometimes i just want to let that person know that i don't agree with them and have them stop assuming where i must stand if i'm in the camp of being a rational human being. Sometimes arguing, or at least letting the person know you have a different view point actually ends having to hear the argument.

[Polly Poppins]

White Rabbit, Mr. Poppins says that the only thing worse than being forced to listen to people argue about politics is listening to them agree. Of course, he was just talking about your average hostage listener. You're kind of screwed, aren't you?