Driving by Braille

Lately, and please don't tell Mr. Poppins, I find that I've been driving by Braille. You know what that is, right? It's when you ride over the little reflector bumps in the road and there's this pup-pup-pup-pup-pup noise and if you hear that noise long enough it means you're staying on the white line, which is not exactly where you're supposed to be, but hey, it will get you there.

Yeah, that.

Only, it's not completely braille. Sometimes it's rounding too close to the curb. Or, you know, driving up over it. Mr. Poppins hates that. Secret Lulu says, "Daddy says don't hit the car."

Good advice, Secret Lulu. Good advice.

Anyway, I'm starting to think my perception--not depth so much, just all of it--is going a little off. Pandora (that would be one of The Dol's cousins) gave me her playlist and I've been listening to this one song over and over again:

For a second there, I thought you disappeared.
It rains a lot this time of year.
And we both go together if one falls down.
I talk out loud like you're still around.

And I miss you. I'm going back home to the west coast.
I wish you were to put yourself in my suitcase.
I love you, standing all alone in a black coat.
...
And if you shake her heart enough, then she will appear.
Tonight I think I'll be staying here.
And you never didn't like this town.
I talk outloud like you're still around.

...

So pack up my bags and beat back the clock.

Do I let her sleep or should I wake her up?

This song makes a lot of sense to me, although I can hardly articulate why. Maybe because I feel like I'm on the road, driving by Braille but getting there, and I know that not everyone can be with me for every mile of the journey, but I wish you all could, and I pretend you will. Also, I've been missing my Nana. She's been gone almost two years now and I still talk outloud like she's still around. I've made so much progress on my book, a book I originally began for her, and the more I make her story my own, the more it becomes hers.

I miss you, Nana.

I've been happier lately than I've been in a long time. I've felt a greater sense of purpose. I feel like I fit my life again. I feel like my life is beginning to fit me. 

This is all very esoteric. I know. But there's this sense of coming home to myself, of moving on, of loving more, of becoming a for real and truly adult hobbit. I fell down on the job last year. I wasn't 33 the way I meant to be. I got off the road. But I'm back on now and, even if it means driving by Braille, I know I'm getting there. Or maybe even, I've already arrived.

And I'm definitely going to wake her up.

Comments

[The Dol]

Nana was a good egg. She used to send care packages to us at Bennington, and she even cared about me before she'd ever met me. She bought my favorite cereal when I came out to visit her with you. She made me a million baby blankets and sweaters, and I was just engaged to be married (not even pregnant yet, that is).

She was a good egg.

[stacy]

I also got so many knitted outfits that I glady passed on to another cousin so that she could be blessed with a piece of Nana's baby clothes, too. I miss her so much she had such a big heart for everyone she met. Family or not you were family.

[Alice]

Whats the song? Link!

[Polly Poppins]

The song is West Coast by Coconut Records.

[Bookgirl]

She let me call her Nana, because I didn't have a grandmother of my own, and we were pen pals. Real, old-fashioned handwritten letters. One time, she even did my laundry. I realy love Nana.

[Aunt Donna]

Nana is always around. That's why you talk to her so much.

[pandora]

coconut records is jason schwartzman latest side project.
he was a part of phantom planet (band that plays the opening credits to the o.c).
he's one of my favorite actors.
:)
glad to be your music dealer polly.

[White Rabbit]

That was a great post. i miss Nana and Pepe' too. i tickle the kids all the time and i suspect that comes from the great fun i had with Pepe'. It's contagious and i'm passing it on to my kids.

i still drink dr. pepper too. i know it's only my favorite because it reminds me of being at her house. She always had dr. d.

Glad to hear how things are going with you