With full awareness of the fact that today is Valentine's Day, I give you the following:
So The Dol assures me that her brother doesn't read my blog. I doubt it's true. I mean, seriously: everybody reads my blog.
Ha.
But I've got a long history of taking The Dol at her word, so let's assume for the sake of argument that she hasn't turned into a big liar pants and her brother, let's call him Skipper, doesn't read my blog. If that's true, and we're assuming it is, I am free to talk smack about him all day long without fear of retribution.
Let's go.
When I first met Skipper he was not yet his full height. Skipper was still in high school. Skipper had a girlfriend. This went on, in my opinion, way too long. The whole idea of having dating turmoil in high school is just abhorrent to me. I mean, it's frikkin high school, dating isn't supposed to be about compromise and negotiation. Dating in high school is about making out, and maybe, if you're lucky, getting lucky.
Anyway.
So finally, after way too long, Skipper breaks up with this girlfriend, and his best friend, without a moment's hesitation, grabs a box and says, "Dude, do you want me to pack up all her stuff and drop it off at her house?" This question is clearly rhetorical, as stuff is already flying into the box and one can practically see the best friend's internal navigation system comparing alternate routes--sidewalk versus greenbelt, which will get me there faster?
Fast forward ten years later. It's more than that, but let's just keep the numbers nice and round. Ex-girlfriend #1 has been succeeded by exes 2, 3, 4, 5, and maybe 6 (Skipper can be a little dodgy about the numbers) but #1 is not gone. She is still there. Her relationship with the ensuing girlfriends varies; sometimes they go to the movies together, sometimes she dogsits their puppies. But she never actually goes away.
Because that's how it is with Skipper. He sucks at breaking up. As in, I'm seeing someone else now Girlfriend #2, and I have to leave for a date, but go ahead and hang out with my parents if you want to finish watching this television show.
What the heck is that? Make her go home.
But Skipper never does. He instead attempts what I like to call "the relationship fadeout." Skipper hates to hurt anyone's feelings. He really wants to be a good person. But I say, "nay, nay, Skipper. When it's over it's over. Stomp on her frilly little heart. Destroy her hopes and dreams. Just get it over with already!"
After years of ambushing Skipper by phone, just when he's most vulnerable--because, really, The Dol assures me that he needs to break up with this girl, he wants to break up with this girl, yet somehow she's clinging like a barnacle, or more accurately a booger he just can't flick away, and Skipper needs my help--Skipper still hasn't quite caught on. So The Dol calls me yet again, and I call Skipper yet again. I tell him (yet again) about
the bad guy hat, how it's metaphorical but if it helps I'll buy him an actual black Stetson, so he can keep it in his closet and for Hank's Sake put the frikkin thing on already.
Instead of talking Skipper off the ledge, I try to talk him on it. I explain that if breaking up in person is too difficult because the other person simply refuses to accept the fact that it's over, then sometimes breaking up by text, as a last resort, is justified. The important thing is to break up. I tell him that the most important thing is to exit with as much dignity as is available under the circumstances.
And just recently, he actually got away from a girl. Although I suspect after receiving a worried call from The Dol that I know why. Let's cue the transcript:
Dol: You have to talk to Skipper. He's already seeing someone else. He says it's not a girlfriend but he's all happy and she's been staying at his place.
Polly: It's okay. Don't panic. A rebound from a rebound cancels itself out.
Now, Skipper's last girlfriend was a rebound from a rather awful breakup with a girl who had no problem putting on the bad guy hat. I'm not the first to say it, but that girl is dead to me. Certainly, she did not leave with as much dignity as was available under the circumstances and that, as far as one Polly Poppins is concerned, is unforgivable.
I judge her, people. I judge her harshly.
Anyway, Skipper rebounded, and since it was Skipper the rebound lasted about three times as long as it had any right to. Only now, it seems little monkey boy Skipper has a new vine and nothing makes a monkey more likely to let go of the old vine than having the new vine well in hand. Forgive the metaphor. I'm just in love with monkey analogies. So I suspect a new vine is what I'm saying. It makes sense, given the no-nonsense way Skipper got through his last breakup. I was expecting it to linger for at least six more weeks, but like I said, he did it by text.
Which he admits is controversial and worries makes him a bad person. I reassured him that it was necessary, but even so he is now indeed a bad person, hence the bad guy hat, hence the joy, joy, joy of being single. Totally worth it.
Anyway, the point is, not all rebounds are created equal. Rebounds from rebounds often go on to evolve into long happy marriages. I point to my own with Mr. Poppins, and even The Dol's to Baby Doc. So if you find yourself regretting your last relationship because it was just too soon after what's-the-name, don't let that stop you from grabbing on with both hands to the next vine that comes along, my little cheeky monkey.
Rebounds from rebounds, like diet soda and chocolate, cancel each other out. And that can be a very good thing.
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