With full awareness of the fact that today is Valentine's Day, I give you the following:
So The Dol assures me that her brother doesn't read my blog. I doubt it's true. I mean, seriously: everybody reads my blog.
Ha.
But I've got a long history of taking The Dol at her word, so let's assume for the sake of argument that she hasn't turned into a big liar pants and her brother, let's call him Skipper, doesn't read my blog. If that's true, and we're assuming it is, I am free to talk smack about him all day long without fear of retribution.
Let's go.
When I first met Skipper he was not yet his full height. Skipper was still in high school. Skipper had a girlfriend. This went on, in my opinion, way too long. The whole idea of having dating turmoil in high school is just abhorrent to me. I mean, it's frikkin high school, dating isn't supposed to be about compromise and negotiation. Dating in high school is about making out, and maybe, if you're lucky, getting lucky.
Anyway.
So finally, after way too long, Skipper breaks up with this girlfriend, and his best friend, without a moment's hesitation, grabs a box and says, "Dude, do you want me to pack up all her stuff and drop it off at her house?" This question is clearly rhetorical, as stuff is already flying into the box and one can practically see the best friend's internal navigation system comparing alternate routes--sidewalk versus greenbelt, which will get me there faster?
Fast forward ten years later. It's more than that, but let's just keep the numbers nice and round. Ex-girlfriend #1 has been succeeded by exes 2, 3, 4, 5, and maybe 6 (Skipper can be a little dodgy about the numbers) but #1 is not gone. She is still there. Her relationship with the ensuing girlfriends varies; sometimes they go to the movies together, sometimes she dogsits their puppies. But she never actually goes away.
Because that's how it is with Skipper. He sucks at breaking up. As in, I'm seeing someone else now Girlfriend #2, and I have to leave for a date, but go ahead and hang out with my parents if you want to finish watching this television show.
What the heck is that? Make her go home.
But Skipper never does. He instead attempts what I like to call "the relationship fadeout." Skipper hates to hurt anyone's feelings. He really wants to be a good person. But I say, "nay, nay, Skipper. When it's over it's over. Stomp on her frilly little heart. Destroy her hopes and dreams. Just get it over with already!"
After years of ambushing Skipper by phone, just when he's most vulnerable--because, really, The Dol assures me that he needs to break up with this girl, he wants to break up with this girl, yet somehow she's clinging like a barnacle, or more accurately a booger he just can't flick away, and Skipper needs my help--Skipper still hasn't quite caught on. So The Dol calls me yet again, and I call Skipper yet again. I tell him (yet again) about the bad guy hat, how it's metaphorical but if it helps I'll buy him an actual black Stetson, so he can keep it in his closet and for Hank's Sake put the frikkin thing on already.
Instead of talking Skipper off the ledge, I try to talk him on it. I explain that if breaking up in person is too difficult because the other person simply refuses to accept the fact that it's over, then sometimes breaking up by text, as a last resort, is justified. The important thing is to break up. I tell him that the most important thing is to exit with as much dignity as is available under the circumstances.
And just recently, he actually got away from a girl. Although I suspect after receiving a worried call from The Dol that I know why. Let's cue the transcript:
Dol: You have to talk to Skipper. He's already seeing someone else. He says it's not a girlfriend but he's all happy and she's been staying at his place.
Polly: It's okay. Don't panic. A rebound from a rebound cancels itself out.
Now, Skipper's last girlfriend was a rebound from a rather awful breakup with a girl who had no problem putting on the bad guy hat. I'm not the first to say it, but that girl is dead to me. Certainly, she did not leave with as much dignity as was available under the circumstances and that, as far as one Polly Poppins is concerned, is unforgivable.
I judge her, people. I judge her harshly.
Anyway, Skipper rebounded, and since it was Skipper the rebound lasted about three times as long as it had any right to. Only now, it seems little monkey boy Skipper has a new vine and nothing makes a monkey more likely to let go of the old vine than having the new vine well in hand. Forgive the metaphor. I'm just in love with monkey analogies. So I suspect a new vine is what I'm saying. It makes sense, given the no-nonsense way Skipper got through his last breakup. I was expecting it to linger for at least six more weeks, but like I said, he did it by text.
Which he admits is controversial and worries makes him a bad person. I reassured him that it was necessary, but even so he is now indeed a bad person, hence the bad guy hat, hence the joy, joy, joy of being single. Totally worth it.
Anyway, the point is, not all rebounds are created equal. Rebounds from rebounds often go on to evolve into long happy marriages. I point to my own with Mr. Poppins, and even The Dol's to Baby Doc. So if you find yourself regretting your last relationship because it was just too soon after what's-the-name, don't let that stop you from grabbing on with both hands to the next vine that comes along, my little cheeky monkey.
Rebounds from rebounds, like diet soda and chocolate, cancel each other out. And that can be a very good thing.
shoot. but what if you married your FIRST rebound!?
Posted by: can't tell | February 15, 2009 at 12:32 PM
dear can't tell, that would totally suck. But don't lose hope, your second marriage should go better.
Posted by: Polly Poppins | February 15, 2009 at 02:05 PM
my head hurts from the laughing.
Posted by: The Dol | February 15, 2009 at 07:40 PM
Fact Check: First, gf #1 was ended up married for a large majority of this story, was a friend for a term afterwards, now completely cut off, as advised. gf's 2,3,4,5,6 melded into 1 collective "friend". gf 7 was a learning experience, not the devil the family thinks she is, but I appreciate the support. gf 8 may actually go down in the books as a long-term fling with a whole lot of cling thrown in. Lastly, on a new vine providing support for myself as a happy monkey, not so much. I walked to the edge, texted the text, and happily let go of the vine, thanks for the advice. I didn't look for a new vine, hadn't found a new vine, didn't want a new vine. I grabbed a beer and sat at the base of the vines with my feet in the water. Wasn't looking for one and I didn't find a new vine, I'm still sitting with my feet in the water and a cold beer in hand. Instead, I met another great monkey doing the same, vines are overrated. I'll update you later:-)
Posted by: Skipper | February 16, 2009 at 10:43 AM
The Dol=big liar pants
Posted by: Polly Poppins | February 16, 2009 at 10:46 AM
sorry, it was too funny not to share with him. the skipper gets a kick out of your take on things. we talk about you behind your back. it's all good.
Posted by: The Dol | February 16, 2009 at 11:12 AM
Skipper,
fact check: I am super-duper proud of you for cutting #1 off. For now. She'll call you again eventually. Seriously. I hope that goes well.
#7: still dead to me.
As for #9: Monkey's and vines are reciprical, kind of like personal pronouns. We are each monkey and vine, grasshopper. Be one with it.
As for The Dol, well, whatever helps you sleep at night, dahling.
Posted by: Polly Poppins | February 16, 2009 at 03:29 PM
Hilarious.
Posted by: Alice | February 16, 2009 at 08:43 PM
Turns out, everybody does read your blog. :)
I believe I've identified myself as a vine and/or monkey in your latest post. I happen to be a big fan of monkeys and how could anyone not love a good monkey analogy? You’re a fantastic writer!
Skipper is a great guy with a big heart (not new news to your readers). He is very lucky to have a great sister, I mean The Dol, and good friend in his life to give such great advice and pick him up off the ground after a bad vine experience. You should start charging by the issue … you’d make a killing! Thanks for the fun read! ~Banana17
Posted by: Banana17 | February 17, 2009 at 08:22 AM
Banana17 (aka #9), I like you better and better all the time.
Posted by: Polly Poppins | February 17, 2009 at 10:57 AM
Happy to be in casting for #9 and really glad I'm not #709. That would be cause for grabbing the first available vine and hightailing it out of here.
Oh, and please don't let the fact that I'm monitoring your blog every 3 mminutes deter you from sharing more tales of cheeky monkey. :)
Posted by: Banana17 | February 17, 2009 at 11:08 AM
If I remember correctly, the Dol was never any good at wearing the bad hat either. Maybe niceness runs in families?
Posted by: Bookgirl | February 17, 2009 at 11:22 AM
bookgirl, you remember correctly. in addition to that running in the family, we are also a competitive bunch. in the interest of winning, i want to state that i am better at wearing the bad guy hat than the skipper. oh, you might be interested to know that the skipper is probably an enfp, like you, right?
banana17, i heard charlie the french bulldog is terrorizing your cat. all he needs is one good swipe to the face and he'll be screaming like a little girl. he'll leave your cat alone after that.
Posted by: The Dol | February 17, 2009 at 12:24 PM
#9, I have to be very careful. Skipper does a very mean (seriously funny) imitation of me and he has been kind enough to keep it to himself for these last nine (there's that number again) years. I would hate to see him dust it off.
Bookgirl, I think so.
The Dol, in the interest of winning, I am queen of the bad guy hat. My skills are so refined that I've actually upgraded to a bad guy tiara.
Posted by: Polly Poppins | February 17, 2009 at 03:03 PM
The only problem is said cat is true definition of "fraidy cat" and will likely not come out of her hiding place long enough to deliver a knuckle sandwich. It would definitely be a funny scene. Update to follow ...
Posted by: Banana17 | February 17, 2009 at 03:30 PM
Just saw the post about the potential retaliation. Ugh, that would not be good.
This gets better by the minute. On the one hand, I feel bad for intruding in your fun blog in which I never received an invite. On the other, it's just too good. I may be a little addicted and feel like I need more juice. Maybe a little juicy, fairly benign, yet slightly incriminating story? Am I pushing it? ~Banana9
Posted by: Banana9 | February 17, 2009 at 03:42 PM
Banana9, perhaps we could meet for drinks with The Dol. Alcohol will lower our inhibitions and the fact that the conversation won't be in writing gives us plausible deniability.
Posted by: Polly Poppins | February 17, 2009 at 04:03 PM
I'm in! I love plausible deniability. We'd have to get cheeky monkey's permission in order to all avoid being beaten heavily with a vine. I've heard they hurt ... A LOT!
Posted by: Banana9 | February 17, 2009 at 05:35 PM
Mmm, drinks... Gosh, do I have some good stories about the skipper. I'm in!
Posted by: The Dol | February 18, 2009 at 10:32 AM
I'm kind of feeling bad for Skipper here.
Posted by: Diosa | February 18, 2009 at 12:21 PM
Diosa, I totally get that. I'm starting to feel a little worried for him myself.
Posted by: Polly Poppins | February 18, 2009 at 01:59 PM
I don't feel bad for him.
Posted by: The Dol | February 18, 2009 at 02:10 PM
Retaliation at easter
Posted by: skipper | February 18, 2009 at 02:48 PM
However, I think the 3 of you would have a blast having drinks together, so I'm in favor of it. Thanks for the sympathy diosa. Mrs. Poppins, please define girlfriend clearly, as I want to make sure I understand where I am with Ms. Banana.
Posted by: skipper | February 18, 2009 at 03:06 PM
Thanks for the endless entertainment while working today. Looking forward to meeting you #9.
Posted by: SistahFromAnotherMistah | February 18, 2009 at 04:29 PM
The Dol, not shocking.
Skipper, dude, it's not my fault, go easy on me. I'm going to have to think about my definition of girlfriend for a while and get back to you. But I'll let you know up front that after this little blogfest, I'm counting Ms. Banana as #9. Officially. No take backs.
Sistah, seriously, you're reading this?
Posted by: Polly Poppins | February 18, 2009 at 04:42 PM
We're all on here today, Polly. Your description of my Brothah from Anothah Muthahh made me laugh out loud in the middle of a "no laughing matter" conference call. Lesson of the day--put on mute before reading Polly's blog while multitasking.
Posted by: SistahFromAnotherMistah | February 18, 2009 at 05:39 PM
Dol, if he were my brother I wouldn't have any sympathy either. I so wish I could go meet you guys for drinks. Maybe I should start pricing plane tickets. Of course, I already have a vacation coming up in a couple months, so I don't know. I am feeling it's coming up on time for another CA visit, though. Or are we ready to try Vegas again? Whatever happened to that idea?
Posted by: Diosa | February 19, 2009 at 05:42 PM
Diosa, we'll have to talk about this. I could use a whole lot of margaritas in the morning.
Posted by: Polly Poppins | February 20, 2009 at 09:15 AM
Sistah's heah!
Sorry to hear about the conference call chuckle. Maybe you should share the link at work and ask them to join the discussion.
Posted by: The Dol | February 20, 2009 at 09:51 AM
Diosa,
Vegas, baby.
Well. Every time I think of Vegas it seems like such a great idea until I remember all of the cigarette smoke and then I imagine that I'll get a headache. So maybe Palm Desert again--if Bookgirl can behave--or maybe Savannah.
I don't know.
I gots no money right now. Or at least, Mr. Poppins is making me pretend I gots none.
The Poppins family is single-handedly slowing down the economy one microwaved-at-home meal at a time.
But then I promised Alice that we'd do something. Really do it. Without kids. But with plenty of liquor, lounging, and laughing.
You know how I like those things.
Posted by: Polly Poppins | February 27, 2009 at 07:01 PM
Polly, I think we all gots no money right now. And I'm not saying next month or anything. But we should start thinking about when and where for next time. And I'd like next time not to be too far away. I'm taking a week off in April, and we're planning to take the kids to Disney World in January, so I'm already thinking about where and when it would fit.
Posted by: Diosa | February 28, 2009 at 07:14 AM
yes i can post!
seriously polly, funniest blog post ever written. (i've been wanting to post that for over a couple weeks now) it beat perez hilton and in my book, it's hard to top the queen of all media.
skipper needs to bring this girl to dinner at the dol's.
a roast of the skipper is not nearly as fun without him.
and please remember what i said we should do to skipper if he ever gets married. it's only karma.
:)
Posted by: pandora | March 02, 2009 at 11:09 PM