Pandora: It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp

I want to start out with an advisory:

    I’m not making this sh*t up (I honestly don’t know how one can)

    All of these quotes are not edited

    My father really does love me, I swear

“The Po-Po is all up in the hizzle, fer shizzle!”

That, my friends, is how father announces his arrival from work. 

He goes by Papa Gangsta Pete or sometimes he asks for us to call him “Diddy, just Diddy.”  It’s how he signed my 16th birthday card.

Let me point out at this point that my father is also a fifty year old balding white male....  

I’m not sure if he thinks that by being born in Sacramento he’s somehow “hood”

Everyday questions, statements and gestures are given unordinary responses:

Me:  Hey Dad, do you know if Mom’s working right now?

Papa Gangsta Pete:  My Biotch is downstairs doin’ her bizness.

Me:  How was work?

PGP:  I kicked it with my homies out on the yard.

Me:  Barack Obama won!

PGP: Barack O’Bizzle is up in the White Hizzle!

If I give my dad a hug, I get mixed results:

“Don’t touch me, I have inmate juices on me!”

“I don’t have any money.”

“Don’t git all up in ma grill.”

I have fond memories of me running down the soccer field when I was seven and my father yelling out to me, “If you don’t make goal I’m going to rip your heart out and shove it down your throat while it’s still beating!”  After I missed that goal, my father would then proceed to yell “I wanted a boy!”

Relax!  

My father has never laid a hand on me which is why, he claims, that I never listen to him anymore. Oh, but you should have seen the looks the soccer moms gave each other.  I’m sure they secretly contemplated calling CPA most nights.  Speaking of wanting boys though; apparently I had a brother.  He died tragically though.  Actually, he died tragically many times.  He fell off Half Dome, fatally ate a mysterious food, died from not wearing a helmet on his bike, etc.   Any normal father would have told his children not to do something because it was dangerous.  I, instead, got the “that’s how we lost your brother” phrase.  Why aren’t there any photos of said brother?  According to my dad “it was really hard on your mother so we had to destroy all of his possessions and photographs.”  While, we’re on the subject, my father also claims to hate boys and that they are “the spawn of Satan.”  Also if a boy was to ever touch me I would “get pregnant, contract aids, drop out of college, live in a trailer park, and die.”

I’ll constantly remind him that he didn’t have to have children.  But, then I get, “Oh, I really didn’t want to.  I was only out for a good time.  You and your sister are just the bi-products of unprotected sex.”  Then I retort with “Why did you keep me then?”  He claims it was for the tax deduction.  

Papa Gangsta Pete loves getting a reaction out of people.  He’s that obnoxious person who stands in lines and makes jokes loud enough in hopes that other people will hear them.  He’s notorious for laughing at his own jokes.  When I sit the living room and read a book, he makes noises to amuse himself.  His latest fetish is trying to touch my nose ring.  I got it pierced my fifth week into college and didn’t bother telling him until Thanksgiving.  He wants to know if I’m concerned about my breathing and if that’s why I felt the need to get a “third nostril.” 

Family gatherings become a circus.  When Skipper and Papa Gangsta Pete team up, there’s no mercy for anyone.  Both of them have the same humor and can rally a cynical joke like no other.  Not even Baby Dol and Secret LuLu stand a chance from sarcastic comments about how their parents are going to abandon them.    

Now to the shock of many people, my sister and I have turned out quite normal.  The Dol claims it was my mother’s good karma.  In my personal opinion, there needs to be more people like my dad in the world.  Maybe not exactly like him, but most things.  You see, my father has a really positive outlook on life.  He’s the one who’s inspired me to be carefree and not to take things in life so seriously.  I know right, an honorary Crip member is inspirational?  He’s taught me to joke around and we feed off each other’s energy.  He’s an amazing person and an amazing dad. 

If you still doubt the authenticity of this blog, please consult Polly, Skipper, or The Dol, I’m sure that they will confirm what I have just said.  If you’re lucky, they’ll probably shell out some embarrassing stories about my youth.  

So don’t be a playa hayta and keep it real.

This blog was cross-posted at: http://iruinmenslives.blogspot.com/

Comments

[The Dol]

Yep, Papa Gangsta Pete keeps it real, yo.

When he and my aunt come down for a visit, we have so much fun. Seriously, he sounds a little crazy from this post, but he is such a good guy. And my cousins are two of the most well-adjusted girls you'll ever meet.

I remember going to visit them once during the winter. We all rented snowshoes and headed out for a little adventure in the Big Trees. Pandora's little sis was about 8 at the time, and I remember Pete telling her that if she's ever out with her friends and a mountain lion comes after them, she should push one of the other kids down and run like hell.

[Polly Poppins]

I remember Pete saying that his girls don't get an allowance because an allowance is something that you have to work for, and his girls weren't interested in work. When I asked him how they got spending money, he said, "Oh, it's not like I don't give them money every week. I just don't give them an allowance."

The girls were playing dance, dance, revolution on matching dance pads and both staring at the television when Pete asked, "You don't get an allowance, do you?"
They answered, in unison, while still stepping to the beat, still staring straight ahead, "No!"

"What do you get?" Pete asked as he looked at me knowingly and shook his head at the shame of it all.

"Welfare!" came the joint reply.

"That's right," Pete said, shrugging his resignation. "My girls get welfare."

[Diosa]

Your dad sounds like a good time. You know, not in the creepy way.

[pandora]

i've threatened to follow him around with a video camera and youtube it.
pretty sure i could make a pretty penny off of him.