A Real Disappointment

Okay, so I'm going to be all creepy and ageist here. Even though there are a lot of old people that I love. Even though I know that not all old people are terrible drivers who can barely see over the steering wheel of their giant cars.

I'm just going to let the prejudice stereotyping fly.

Because yesterday, Secret Lulu and I went to the grocery store. Secret Lulu totally pushes the cart for me now. I love that. Anyway, we were going to do self-checkout because I'm trying to get the hang of it. I actually prefer to have someone else do all the checking and bagging--I mean we pay a premium on groceries for that very service--but Mr. Poppins self-checks. He's good at it.

So being the competitive person I am, I want to be good at it.

On this particular day, we had a lot of produce, which I don't have the hang of, (but am trying to get the hang of because I secretly think it would make me look cool in front of Mr. Poppins), so I was going to, you know, be brave and practice. But when I got to the front of the store, I realized that it was unusually crowded for that time of day. I don't know why. There were people with full carts of groceries and people who seemed to only need an item or two. There were no 15 item-or-less lines open, just long lines or self-check. Kind of forcing the issue, you see. And it was working because all of the people who could carry their groceries in their hands were beelining to self-checkout.

Makes sense.

I didn't want to get in the really long line but, under the circumstances, I would have been really dorking up the self-checkout and making a nuisance of myself. Mr. Poppins scoffs at people who do that. Clearly, I don't want to be that person. Practice would have to wait.

The line crawled. Mostly because the ancient-and-horrible in front of me, well, I really can't figure out what she was doing but whatever it was, time crawled. I waited patiently. Seriously. Secret Lulu had plenty of time to talk me into Starburst and M&M's.

They were on sale. Buy one, get one free. I bought them. I'm not going to apologize for that, people. I mean, the zombie apocalypse is coming, I don't think this is the time to get all huffy about my kid's sugar intake.

Whatever.

So, I'm mostly trying to discretely scan the gossip magazines so I can figure out if Angie & Brad are getting divorced or reinventing tantric bliss and, you know, what about Jon & Kate. Does she hate him or want him back? That kind of important thing. But my surreptitious reading is interrupted because I can hear the woman in front of me telling the checker something.

You know, telling. As in, this is important and you should be informed and I expect you to do something.

Telling.

This is what I hear:

I'm not buying this but I brought it up here so you could see it. (I can't see what it is, and frankly I don't really care because there are celebrity cellulite pictures and an alien baby that need my attention). But I've purchased this product twice now and both times I was really disappointed.

What is it with old people and making a big deal about complaining to underpaid staff? Like anyone cares. Just stop buying the juice. If no one buys it, the store will stop selling it. 

I refrain from snickering but I imagine that the checker, who is a little puffy (maybe hung over, maybe pregnant--you know the look) is about to spasm from the strain of not rolling her eyes and sucking her teeth. Because seriously, who cares, and can we move this line along already? I'm getting varicose veins from all this standing.

My turn finally comes. I've had time to sort my groceries into categories, you know, so that all the frozen food, squishables, and household cleaning products are grouped together for easier bagging. So my turn just flies along. There's a slight delay while I find the contact lense that I rubbed out of my eye on the floor, lick it clean, and pop it back in, but it really takes no more than thirty seconds total and it's not like the checker had to stop doing her thing to watch me do it.

Some people are nosy. That's not my fault.

So I get to the car and unload the groceries. Fabulous. But, wait. What the heck is that in my bag? White Grape juice? You have got to be kidding me. I did not put this in my cart. No, no, no. So I sigh heavily going through the moral dilemma that is extra groceries in the cart. Do I bring it back? Keep it?

I don't know, people. I consult the receipt to see if the item is on there. And yes, apparently I spent $2.99 on this product. It must have belonged to the person in front of me. They'll be annoyed when they put away their groceries and it's missing. I mean they probably paid for it, too.

But wait. No. The lady in front of me. The ancient-and-horrible telling lady. This belonged to her. I just know it. This is her disappointing item. And now it's mine.

I inspect the label. There is a Jonus Brother dvd offer. The juice, white grape (who drinks that?) is from concentrate. There are no added colors or flavors. Gasp. It's Sugar free.

EWWWWWWW.

No wonder the old bag was disappointed. I mean, why not just let people spit in your mouth if you're going to drink that ick. And I so don't want to go in the store again, not to do a return, not to wait endlessly for someone to get around to finding someone authorized to give me my $2.99 back. So I call it whatever and put the juice in my car. Because I'm not some old person with nothing better to do than complain. Sheesh. Can you imagine someone going on and on about nothing like that? Like people have nothing better to do with their time than listen to endless gripes.

Ha! Did you get it? I'm talking about you and me, people. But don't get your feelings hurt, because I say it with love. I mean, when I do it, at least I make an attempt to be entertaining.

 

P.S. You know I desperately want that Jonus Brothers dvd. Because it would be totally awesome. Totally.

Comments

[pandora]

polly,
it's "jonas" not "jonus"

the girls i babysit are obsessed with them.
sadly, i could spur off random facts about them.

on a note about old people:
i have permission to take away my dad's car keys if if drives like the people he complains about when he's feeble and gray.

[Diosa]

I have no patience for old people. I'm sure when I'm old, I'll have no patience for young people. I'm just that pleasant.

[Polly Poppins]

pandora, Jonus because I neither know nor care.

Diosa, true dat.

[the aunt]

So, we're supposed to be discreet when scanning the gossip magazines?

[the aunt]

And I did tell K that if he as annoying as some old people, I was just going to take him out to the back of my dad's barn and shoot him.

He said just stick him in a home with cute CNAs and he'd be set.

[The Dol]

see now, i find myself exasperated and annoyed with teenagers, which i think dates me. old people sometimes bug me, but teenagers with their pants hanging down and their slutty clothes bug me more.

i'm such an old lady.