Pandora: Let the Distance Keep Us Together

(Because this post is about a break up and I'm an indie kind of girl, here's a playlist that I found about a year ago and love.)

Remember when you first met me and I told you that I didn’t do relationships? Remember how I said that I hated clingy and hated the thought of being tied down.  

Well, I, Pandora, decided to embark on a journey where few 19 year olds have gone. I decided to go the distance, literally.  I found a boy who I decided was worthy of letting myself go for.

He was cute.

He had a personality.

He was going somewhere in life.

He quit smoking for me.

However, he just happened to live in Ohio......

How did a Californian like me meet an Ohioan like him?

Simple:  London, England and drunk dials.  

We met on a summer school trip in Europe and we happened to hit it off.  Numbers were exchanged. Months went and there were no phone calls made until I received a drunk call from him.  

Drunken phone calls were made weekly.

Then, sober phone calls were made daily.

We made plans to see each other.

He flew here and I flew there.

Sparks happened and we decided to date.

I mean, how do you say no to a boy who’s flown across the country to tell you that he wanted to be with you and would do anything to make it work?

Those twenty days of togetherness ended, but we decided to keep the relationship strong.  We were already talking every day, we thought that it wasn’t going to be any different then it was before.  Now, it was just more official and there was commitment involved.  

I was on a cloud. This was relationship was perfect for me. I had space, I had someone who cared for me, and most importantly I had my life.  

Two months later, my best friend and I decided on making an epic road trip up to Washington to see her friends from college. Up in Washington, I met my best friend’s best college friend who happened to be a boy.  Don’t freak out, nothing happened with said boy. This boy was male Pandora with a little less confidence. Apparently my best friend likes to make best friends with people who give her good music and do stupid stuff to entertain her. So naturally, we became inseparable that weekend. 

We could both talk for hours.

We both could talk about bands that no one else knew about.

We both felt so comfortable spilling our lives out to each other.

He isn’t the reason I broke up with my ex. What this boy made me realize is how much I loved that connection between human beings. As a girl, I have needs.  I wanted someone physically there.  No, I’m not talking sexually.  This Washingtonian made me realize how much I love the connection that humans have with each other. 

He made me realize what I’m missing out on with having an out of state boyfriend.

Though I knew he would if he could, I couldn’t just call my boyfriend to hang out.  It’s kind of impossible to make spontaneous surprises when you’re 2441 miles away from each other.  I had reached the point in which my cloud was crumbling.  I was a wreck when I left him in that Pittsburgh airport.  How could I go through that each time?  I stopped using my heart and starting thinking with my head.  How could I build a serious relationship with a guy I would only get to see four times a year?  I looked toward the future and the idea of him moving out here freaked me out.  Him, leaving Ohio just for me, was immense pressure that I didn’t need. 

I’ve known for the beginning that he’d go to the moon for me.  However, I started thinking, would I do the same for him?   

I broke the news to him a couple days ago. It was one of the hardest things that I’ve ever had to do.  He understood, but I don’t think that he wanted to. I tried not to blindside him, but I don’t think that I did a very good job with that. We haven’t spoken since it happened.  I know he needs time to heal.  People, I really did crush his heart.  I’ve never crushed anything in my life.  I even avoid crushing most bugs.  The feeling wasn’t a good one.  

I don’t have any regrets dating him.  I learned more in two months from him than I have from most people. Though, I think right now he regrets dating me. I don’t think I made any mistakes. His friends hate me. I can understand why.  It just wasn’t fair to either one of us.  I didn’t want to miss out on something in college. If my feelings for him were slipping, why hold onto him any longer and let him hurt more later?  

The only thing that makes me sad is that I fear we’ll never be friends. I fear that because we dated, we can never go back.  The Dol is a firm believer in this. I’ve always thought I could do it. Then again, I always thought I could do the distance.  

I know this all sounds so deep for a two month relationship, but it really was real. We cared for each other. We weren’t in love, but we did have love and respect for each other. I’m glad he was part of my growing up. 

So, I, Pandora, am a changed woman.  

I want a boy physically there for me.  

I want that boy who I can look pretty for and go on dates.  

I want that boy to kiss me goodnight and hold my hand.  

I’m 19, is that so much to ask for? 

I just realized that I have neither told The Dol or Polly about this break up. Unless they’re bigger Facebook sluts than me (which I highly doubt) and saw my changed relationship status. Well, surprise! I’m sure there will be a conversation when I make it back down south. I’ll try to bring the wine.

Comments

[Diosa]

Sounds like you made the right decision. I did the long distance thing through college, but we were together on weekends, only two and a half hours apart. It wasn't easy and I don't think it would've worked if we were any further apart.

[Polly Poppins]

Wine. Wine. Bring the wine.

[The Dol]

Aw, Pandora!!! I totally missed the Facebook relationship status update!

Diosa is right, you absolutely did the right thing. You knew what was in your heart and went with it. You're 19, and that is the most sensible thing you could do. Ok, most sensible is to use protection, but that's not what this conversation is about.

Polly always says you have to be able to Put On The Bad Guy Hat. It's true. Sometimes you have to do the thing that crushes someone, and that makes you feel about 5 inches tall and made out of some mean, mean scratchy fabric. And sometimes it's the right thing, and you just do it.

I'm very proud of you!

[The Dol]

Oh, and we are going to dance our way back to our full goddess potential! WINE!!!!

[pandora]

there are updates to this post.
but, i've typed them to death.

i'll fill you in later :)

[The Dol]

ok, sounds good. can't wait to see you!

[Alice]

1) Boyfriend one is in Ohio huh? can I have his number? Kiiiiiddding.
2) Polly - have youposted about the bad guy hat? If not, can you? If you did, I'll find it on google.