Bookgirl is Begging the Question 5

I have this framed print in my apartment. It's the very first thing you see when when you walk in the door:

I like to think that I mostly use my power for good. But let's be serious, here: is a life without any mischief worth living?

I'm not convinced.

So here's this week's question:

If you ruled the world, how would you use your power?

As someone who spends more time than I'd like to admit fantasizing about world domination, I've given this one some thought.

We'd lose weight first from the spots we really want to lose it from. As the weight comes off, my legs get skinnier and skinnier, and my belly comes off at a much slower rate. Which means I look more and more like a lollipop each week.

Not okay.

The members of the opposite sex who are really nice and sweet and treat you like gold would also be the ones with whom you have really explosive sex. If any of you have this in your personal lives, I don't want to hear it. If you don't know where I'm coming from, pretend. It's the kind thing to do.

Bathing suits would always make you look thinner than you actually are. Always.

There would be a universal database with a person's relationship history. So as soon as you met someone you liked, you could look him or her up and find out things like "Cheats" or "Will turn into a bunny boiler after the third date."

I think it would make things much easier.

But at the same time, I'm torn, because that means someone would also be able to find my awesome history of things like "Will be as mean to you as she needs to be to get you to back off if you get too close" and "Will call your voice mail to break up with you while you're still on the way home from her place." Yeah. I'm pretty sure I'm still actively working off the bad relationship karma I earned myself with that one back in college.

American-style football would be an Olympic sport. Just so that I could see a game between the US and some country with generally much smaller people, like Mexico or China. Because can't you just picture Ray Lewis taking down the entire backfield at once? How many ambulances would they have to keep on hand for that?

Okay, so I acknowledge that most of our readers are of the girly-girl variety, and you read that whole last paragraph as "blah blah blah blah blah." But trust me: hilarious.

Two words: universal clapper. You know those things you see on late-night tv, where you attach a sensor to something and then when you hit the button on your remote, it beeps? Well, I want a universal one of those. Where you can just say "Find book." Or keys. Or glasses. Or bra--for those of us who take it off the moment we put our stuff down, and therefore sometimes have to look for it in places like the front hallway or the kitchen.

I don't want to have to choose which things will have the sensor. Because I lose EVERYTHING.

I want the clapper to just know.

Comments

[Polly Poppins]

I think a woman deserves three automatic do-overs on weight. Like three times she can just hop on the scale, dial back the number to where she wants to see it and instantly be that weight--and perfectly toned.

I would like to have one of those little built in food machines like on Star Trek where I can just say "Computer: shrimp taco, please"or whatever and it automatically appears, tastes delicious, but is actually a perfectly balanced low-calorie, high fiber and proteins combination of food stuffs and nutrients designed to keep me in optimum health.

I would like a house elf. I think everyone should have one.

All children would come predisposed to rational thought from birth. When it was time to potty train or leave the playground, you could just reason with them and that would be enough.

My makeup face would be my real face. My styled hair would be my real hair.

We could teleport instead of drive.

[The Dol]

I like all of the things you guys said already.

I mostly just want everyone to get along, so I would probably have minions to do any dirty work for me, like breaking up or firing other minions, etcetera.

Oh! Oh! I thought of something I want. Perfectly beautiful and shapely hands. That doesn't seem too much to ask when y'all are talking about adding Olympic sports and co-opting 24th century technology. (I'm totally certain someone, maybe Ramblin' Jack, is going to tell me *exactly* what year the replicator technology was invented. It will be in Star Date, too.)

[Diosa]

Let's start with world peace and universal health care.

Ditto on the weight wishes. I swear I smell food and gain weight, though it probably has more to do with the spicy humus and crackers I ate last night. Yuumm.

And the Star Treck food materializer, that is something I've definitely wished for.

An off button on my kids I've fantasized about. So in the middle of one of those horrible tantrums, you could just press the button and they'd go to sleep and you could put them in their room.

And a teleporter would make it much easier for us all to visit more often.

[Pandora]

I would possess the ultimate credit card that will never max out. Then magically all the charges would disappear once you've utilized your purchases.

Sugar is proven to have better healthy benefits than asparagus.

You could program your boobs to whatever size you wanted depending on the outfit.

"Magic in the Air" by Badly Drawn Boy will play every time someone falls in love.

My life would be a musical once a week. Preferably on Sundays to kick off the week.

[Karita]

All of the above, with the addition of the new world order as follows:

Any woman who wears her dressing gown all day, refuses to shave her legs, wash her hair, put make-up on, put her contact lenses in or deodorise, is now offically considered to be the pinnacle of feminine beauty and all men shall bow down and worship her.

[Curls]

These are all so great that Im going to use my power to cut and paste all of my favorites:

World peace, An off button on my kids
I have never seen the foood machines on Star Trek but I want one too! I love the programmable boobs (Wow you guys are so creative!)

[Ramblin' Jack]

@Dol: Happy to oblige! The Star Trek replicator was invented in the 22nd century, perfected in the 24th, though it still can't replicate living beings, or other overly complex items, as errors are common. Not common enough to ruin a hot-fudge sundae, but forget about the whole sex-slave thing. The genetic sequencing errors would render them dead, or horribly mutated, so forget about it. Unless you're into that kind of thing. Which is OK. Not judging.

[The Dol]

my powers of intuition are thus duly noted by the blogosphere. i knew someone would pop up with that information. thanks, jack!

and, for the record: i am a big fan of star trek, particularly the next generation. i'm the one with the five-year-old who knows the difference between a klingon and a romulen. i'm just notoriously horrible about remembering details like dates. my husband is lucky i remember his birthday and our anniversary every year. really.

[Alice]

I'm late here and feel it's now my duty to rank in order my fav aforementioned powers:
1) Adjustable boobs by Pandora (damn that's a good one)
2) House elf by Polly, although maybe the house elf could do the boob adjusting? 2 birds, one stone. Maybe not.
3)Universal Clapper by Bookgirl

and to add my own, which I don't need any special powers to obtain but the mention of star trek makes me realize I wish I knew the difference between Star Trek and Star Wars (is that even the right name) without having to watch or pay any attention to either one.

[Bookgirl]

Everything about these comments reminds me of why we're friends. I freaking love you guys. That's all I have to say. Love. You. Guys.