Bookgirl is Begging the Question 4

I am the queen of the clever comeback, the witty quip. I can flay you with my razor-sharp tongue. I know exactly what to say to people who have embarrassed me, hurt my feelings, or pissed me off.

Unfortunately, I never think of it until much later. And even if I do think of it in the moment, I'll almost never say it. Because I'm too busy being nice.

One time Polly said something about how assertive I can be, and I thought she had lost her mind. Until she repeated back things I had said to her. Evidenty when I was recounting arguments, and I got to the part where I said, "and I was like..." she thought those next comments actually were spoken out loud.

Isn't that cute?

In reality, "I was like" is code for "and then I thought this really bitchy thing but didn't say it." There could be volumes written on things I wanted to say but didn't. Sound familiar?

So now I'm asking you...

What's the meanest thing you never said?

Go on, get it out. I'll even go first:

• Everyone thinks you're batshit crazy. We mock you behind your back. We're nice to you because we have to be.
• Wow. You are so much hotter when you don't talk.
• You were only invited because your friend would have told you, and I don't want to hear about it later. I don't even  like you. Go sit down and shut up.
• I get that you had a hard life. But you're still a prick. One doesn't cancel the other out.
• I know we had great chemistry on the phone. But that was before I saw you in person. You're kind of a troll.
• I'm nodding my head and agreeing with you like I'm going to do what you're asking, but let's keep it real here: never gonna happen...
• It's not me, it's you. Seriously.

I showed you mine. Now you show me yours.

Comments

[Alice]

Oh good lord, Bookgirl, there isn't enough space here for my afterthoughts. Usually they are so nasty that when I tell the story and add the "I was like" most people ask "you didn't say that did you"? and I have to reply "Nah, but I should have"
Here's a short list that sums them all up:
- F*%k You, pal.

[Polly]

I usually do say what I'm thinking. And when I don't it's because it's so bad that I would lose friends if I wrote it down.

But in the interest of playing the game, I've bitten my tongue on the following, maybe:

1. You're so stupid, it's not even fair to make fun of you.
2. I know no one's wanted to shock you with the news but you are, actually, a grown up. I expect you to act like one or stay home.
3. I can't talk to you because I have to hold me breath. You smell like menopause or cat pee. I'm not sure which and I'm not up to further investigation.
4. I would rather eat one of Ramblin Jack's used finger bandaids than your cooking because at least I have an idea of where his hands have been.
5. Wow. I bet even your mom dislkes you.

[Pandora]

"You do realize that MySpace comments aren't private right? I know you're jealous that my music knowledge is superior to yours and I can dress much more fashionable than your feeble attempts. However, could you do me a favor and just tell me in person? I know that you lack self confidence and you hide behind your MySpace profile but, I tend to have a bit more respect for people who tell me this in person. Also, Allen finds you weird and creepy so don't be jealous that he talks to charming girls like me and not ugly girls with no personality like you. Yes, you're ugly."

This girl was the most two faced girl I had ever met. If I saw her today, I'd kick her in the shins. I vomit a little every time she updates her status on Facebook.

[Diosa]

I have a real bad habit of saying these things out loud:

1. When I was consulting for the company I now work for, one day, the men were acting very juvenile. I told them I thought I left my little boys at home. Yup, that's right, one of these men is the CEO I now work for.

2. One of my co-workers paid me a compliment to the owner, about how I was the only who took the time to research one of the terms that kept coming up at the conference we had just attended. I told the owner I was the only one sober enough. Sure wish I'd kept my mouth shut that time.

Things I've thought but haven't said:

1. I think taking a compliment on my fashion sense from you is more of an insult.

2. I know you think you're that smart, but everyone else knows better.

3. Dude, honestly, you typed 'at' instead of '@' when typing your email address. You may be too dumb to live.

4. Has it ever occurred to you that if you want to keep your job, you may actually want the people you work with to like you?

5. You're calling me from your pickup truck, driving through Texas, wanting me to help you login to the website. Excuse me while I die of laughter.

6. I do believe most people should bow in my presence. I'm so glad you actually recognize a goddess when you see one.

7. I recognize you think you're better than everyone else. Living in your mother's basement will lead to that kind of delusion.

[teag bag]

1. Whoa! Holy monkeys what happened to your face? You were so hot yesterday??

2. The more you open your mouth the more I want to smack you upside the head. Everyone else does too. Even the professor does.

3. Ugh right handed people...you have everything made for you, how is this fair? And you still can't use it right...being right handed must be a genetic deficiency.

4. Yeah, take your time, I'm only holding the door for you. I don't have anywhere to be, its not like I'm on the clock or anything...and if you try to light that cigarette inside the historical landmark, I'll put it out on your face. Thank you for coming to the Mystery House. Jerk.

5. Oh you want to get off early? Is a 6 hour day too much for you? No, do your own d*** job, I ain't doing it for you.

[Bookgirl]

Catharsis, just one of the services we provide here at IYBH. All this snarkiness in one place does my heart good. And I REALLY needed that snort laugh.

Alice, well summed up.

Pol, I love the fact that you're so free with your thoughts, but will go to almost any lengths to avoid hurting those of us with easily bruised feelings (i.e. me).

Pandora, I do so enjoy a good rivalry. Particularly when I know I dominate in every possible way.

Di, we went to high school with someone who used to always compliment me on my clothes, and I thought hers were horrible. I finally had to go to one of our friends to check that I didn't actually dress like her and just couldn't see it. And like you, I don't tolerate stupidity well. I try to remind myself that it's an opportunity to practice humility and acceptance. But that rarely works. Unfortunately, condescending is my automatic go-to.

Teag, I feel your pain.

[Ramblin' Jack]

Wow. You people are mean. Thanks for holding back.

About 25 years ago I was at Disneyland with a big group of friends. we were all joking around, and one girl complained about something (don't remember what it was), and I said in what I thought was a joking manner "I am sick and tired of your whining!".

She burst into tears. Great big gasping, sobbing tears. It took everyone about 15 minutes to calm her down while I stood there wishing the earth would open up and swallow me.

I have reason to believe now that she came from an abusive home and I must have triggered something, but I still feel horrible about it to this day.

And that's why I've never said a bad thing about another human being since.

(Well, not to their face anyway).

[The Dol]

"Yes, you are actually a racist. Because if your problem with Obama is that he is a socialist, a communist, a Marxist AND a fascist, you obviously don't have a clue what any of those terms mean. My conclusion is that you are hiding behind big words so that you, older white person, don't have to say the one word that is on the tip of your tongue every time you see his face on t.v. You know, the one that starts with "n." If you care so much about the economy, where the hell were you for eight years of it being flushed down the toilet?"

(I actually had an encounter with some ignorant teabaggers when I was in DC, just coincidentally at the same time as their smaller-than-reported rally. I'm hoping that our "teag bag" poster today isn't one of them, because then I would feel bad about posting something that I would never say to someone's face. I'm sure teag bag is a perfectly lovely person, maybe a tea aficionado.)

[Pandora]

@Dol, Teag Bag is a good friend of mine. He's very much so a liberal and plays a mean tune on the uke.

[alice]

I knew the DOL would cover that exact issue. it comes up sooooo much