The Model in Shades of Grey

One of my oldest, dearest friends is a musician. We'll call this very talented and hip friend of mine "Iris." I hadn't seen Iris perform in three years since I was exiled in Florida. Ever since I moved back to L.A., I'd been meaning to attend one of her shows with her new band. I missed a couple of them due to various circumstances, but when the latest Facebook event invitation came, I knew I had to make it to this one.

I picked out my very coolest dress (a recent Goodwill find that makes me look like a bondage cowgirl) and did my hair and makeup while I gave the kids a bath and got them ready for bed. The show was supposed to start at 9:30, which seemed rather early to me, but I figured she'd probably go on a bit late. If I started putting them to bed at 8:30, I thought I'd have plenty of time to get the kids to sleep and drive over there.

Yeah, not so much.

This night, of all nights, was the night my littler one decided to take for-ev-er to meet the Sandman. So I didn't get out of the house until 10. 

It was 10:30 by the time I parked in front of the art gallery in Silver Lake where she was performing. I went in and made my way through a dark, swaying sea of very skinny people with very cool haircuts wearing very cool (mostly grey) clothes, seemingly hypnotized by the sound of Iris' voice and guitar and the images washing over her face from the projector (which was also the only light source).

I only managed to catch about one and a half songs before she finished her set, but what I caught was excellent. I helped her pack up her gear and then we joined most everyone outside in the alley while the next band set up. Looking around, I said, "So, who are all these pretentious hipsters?" and she said, "Uh, mostly people I know..."

Oops.

There was a time when I felt much more at home among the more avant garde members of our society.That is, back when I was one of them. 

I originally had plans to have tea with an old photographer friend of mine after the show, but Iris was going to have a drink with a couple of her old friends from art school and invited me to go along. So, I followed her to downtown. We met her friends on the street and made our way to a stairway which led down to a large, unmarked, black lacquer door.

Some painfully fashionable people stumbled out (including a Lady Gaga doppelganger whose couture rivaled that of her famous twin) while a small man in an expensive suit checked our IDs. We entered a large, luxurious, dark lounge that resembled an exclusive nightclub sans the dance floor and blaring music. The kind of place I imagine vampires would frequent, but not in a goth-y way.

We sat at the bar and I spent most of the time talking to one of her friends in particular, a Parisian. He was a musician too, so when the topic of conversation came around to comparing which obscure bands we were digging at the moment, I had to admit that my musical taste is sadly frozen in time since before I had kids.

 

Or maybe not so sadly. Don't get me wrong, I still dearly love music and being exposed to great new things, but what I was doing during those years when I fell out of touch was pretty awesome too. My friends mostly all make things. They make music, or clothing, movies, furniture, photographs... art. I used to do some of that, but I don't as much anymore.

For a while I sort of rebelled against it, even.

I got a little fed up and felt like it was shallow, indulgent (which in hindsight was more of a generalization of my feelings about the fashion industry at the time). I would (ok, occasionally still do) smugly point out that while I don't really make any art or anything, I'm the only one of my friends who can isolate and amplify DNA (and the greatest works of art I've created are these two spectacular humans). I expected to have to defend myself that way with the very cool Frenchman, but he said he actually found it refreshing not to have to compare obscure bands. He even enjoyed seeing pictures of my rugrats and showing me ones of his baby half-brother.

It's always a little difficult to enter back into a world you used to be involved in after you've gone away and done something else for several years (particularly when what you've done is gotten sucked into the vortex of Mommydom), but I think my point is that it's not all black and white.

It doesn't have to be us-vs.-them.

Were some of the people I met totally pretentious? Yes. Did they just totally not know what to say when I said I was late because it took forever to put my spawn to bed? Yes. But the side of me that can relate to artsy intellectuals never completely died either, and I don't think I stuck out like as much of a sore thumb as I felt when I first got there. And I ended up really having a fabulous time.

The other day, I saw a sign on the door of a baby boutique here in L.A. that was targeted at the hip mom set. It said, "Rocker Moms, not Soccer Moms."

Why can't I be both?

Comments

[Equipoise]

I really identified with this post. I moved away, nearly 6 years ago, from where I grew up and lost a lot of myself in that process, as well as in marriage and then motherhood. Recently, I've been trying to recall some of my roots and start doing things I used to love...but it's sometimes difficult to mesh my new life with the old. For instance, I recently visited my old college campus with my 1-year-old...and felt completely out of place. But I also agree that a lot of those parts of me never died. I want to be both too! (Hopefully that all made sense.)

[Diosa]

I think that it can be very easy to lose yourself completely when entering Mommydom. Especially, if you didn't have a strong sense of self before you became a mom or being mom had always been your primary goal in life. I think some moms like it that way. Their entire purpose is to live for their kids. I'm just not that kind of mom.

I will never be that carefree girl I was before when I had time and fewer responsibilities again. But I will never lose my love for reading and writing, dancing or tech trends, that core of myself.

But that said, anyone who hasn't had kids, or hasn't had a kid that they love as their own, they just can't understand.

[Pandora]

I've only just entered adulthood. I love being a carefree college student. I love staying up until 4 am and sleeping in until 3 pm. I love taking spontaneous road trips at night with no destination in mind. The idea of just taking off and traveling around without anyone to tie me down sounds fantastic.

But, I know that one day I'll want a family and I'll want a husband.

I don't want to have to go back to my old self. I want my old self to stay there forever and for me to revisit it from time to time. I'm just not ready to let go yet.

[The Dol]

What a lovely, thoughtful meditation this post is, Model. I really enjoyed it.

Now, just to be a little snarky for a minute, I have to say that anyone who is leaving the house at 10:30 for an evening out is avant garde in my book. I am not entirely sure what that makes me, but I think it's probably somewhere in the Complete Dweeb neighborhood. :-)

[Polly Poppins]

You're still oh-so-fabulous. And someday, someday I hope to regain the energy to aspire to fabulous again.

[Bookgirl]

I have to admit that the fear of losing self is one of the things that leaves me paralyzed with fear at the thought of having kids. Two of my sisters came home from their honeymoons and didn't get on another plane for 20 years. My mother was a stay-at-home mom for 30 years, and never questioned my dad until she went back to work. Seeing you all be moms and people at the same time is such a huge inspiration, and makes me think thay maybe, just maybe, I can do it too.

[Polly Poppins]

@Bookgirl, wait! I'm a mom and a people? I had no idea.

[Bookgirl]

You are, Polly. You are. Even when it doesn't feel like it...

[Alice]

What a great post, Model. I can so relate with this, although I have found it a bit difficult to integrate back into the old world as I knew it. The difference here is that you are in LA and I'm, well, not. So the people of the old world as I knew it are very falsely cool and they think they are even cooler than that. It seems that now I tend to prefer the mommies, but when I find myself wanting a taste of the younger, cooler me, it doesn't take me long at all to rush back to Mommydom.