Pandora Is Powerless to the Wolves

My dear cousin, The Dol, was telling me a story the other day about her brief encounter with a supernatural force.  She claims that the power was so great that she almost considered leaving BabyDoc for the cashier she met at the Shell station.

Now, BabyDoc is a great catch with a health benefits and I love him to death. So I was shocked that The Dol could ever consider such a thing because she is truly the most sensible woman that I know. But, she assured me that she wasn't thinking clearly at the time.

She claims that she was under the power of the three wolves. Not real wolves. But the three wolves that were on his shirt.

I shook it off in disbelief. 

Yesterday, I was running some errands in my usual errand-running attire which consist of over-sized sunglasses, pulled back hair, no make up, an old t-shirt, flip flops, and yoga pants. I call the look "yeah that's right I do yoga so I must hip and not care about my looks because I have high self-esteem" even though I do yoga maybe thrice times a year. I really hate all forms of exercise.

Not that I hate yoga so much; I just love the pants more.

Now, if there's one thing you need to know about me, it's that I'm an absolute coffee addict.  Sometimes I forget to eat, but never will I ever forget my coffee.

Seriously, they might as well inject it into me.

If I make it, it's strong an served black.  I leave it to the coffee shops to fancy it up for me because I'm really that lazy.

Anyway, it was early afternoon and I'd only had three cups and was feeling the urge for another.  I swung into my local Starbucks to feed my addiction.  I quickly gave the barista my order.  However, they were out of soy so I had to settle for the Tuscon Whole Milk 1 Gallon 128 fl oz. I went to sit on the couch while it brewed.  I made my way to my destination.

Tthat's when I noticed him.

I'm not sure what I was struck by first.  Was it his girthy frame and the permanent pit stains?  Or, was it his Wal*Mart jeans that clearly hadn't been washed in about a week.  It might have been the grease-stained iron-toed boots he sported.

Regardless. I couldn't take my eyes off of him.      

I almost knocked over a tumbler display walking to the couch because I was that  overtaken by him.  He was sitting in the lounge chair in the corner browsing on his PC.  I'm a Macintosh girl at heart, but apparently at that moment in time I wouldn't have cared if he was operating on Linux.

I sat on the couch and just stared at him.

He moved his arm to scratch his crotch and that's when I finally saw it.  He was wearing the most entrancing 100% cotton black tie-dyed shirt I had ever seen.  I felt as if the wolves on it were calling me to him.  To me, he was the moon and I so desperately wanted to be one of those wolves on his shirt.  I so badly just wanted to rip that shirt off him right then and there and make sweet love to him.

Yes, I was still aware that I was in a public environment.

I could not have cared less.         

This boy had possibly nothing going for him and I'm almost 87% sure he lived with his mother and played video games all day long.  But I, Pandora, was smitten by this boy.

They say that when you encounter your soulmate the smells are crisper and music starts to fill the air with its sounds.

Well, folks, that happened.

The smell of coffee had never been so good and The Avett Brothers have never sounded more lovely.

My coffee with Tuscon whole milk finally came and I had to fight the urge to stay.  I almost wanted to just be with him instead of at the shoe sale going on at Nordstroms.  I contemplated being bold and giving him my number, but then I remembered the story that The Dol had previously told me.

I took a deep breathe and stepped outside the doors of Starbucks.

Finally, I came back down to earth.  My head was spinning and I was so confused as to what had just happened.  After all, I am Pandora and a super goddess.  I make boys swoon over me, and never is it visa versa.  All I know is that never again will I shrug off anything The Dol tells me.

Because I, too, was powerless to the wolves.      

Comments

[Polly Poppins]

Oh, sweetie. You would have made his day.

And quite possibly caught a disease, got pregnant, and wound up dead in a trailer park.

Something like that.

[Alice]

I don't get the wolves? Is it one of those vampire New Old Mid aged Moon things?

[Diosa]

I am Jacob girl, but I still can't quite imagine what came over you. I mean, pit stains? Grease stains? Girth? How can a t-shirt counter all that?

[The Dol]

Ladies, ladies, ladies. It's obvious you have never been face-to-face with the Three-Wolf-Moon shirt. It's hard to understand it until you've experienced it for yourself, but if you read the reviews of this powerful, supernatural garment on Amazon, maybe you'll see what we mean.

Also, do not discount the miracle of Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon, 128 fl oz, also available on Amazon.com. Please, just spend a few moments reading the reviews.

Here's one of the reviews of The Shirt on Amazon, just to whet your appetite:

"This item has wolves on it which makes it intrinsically sweet and worth 5 stars by itself, but once I tried it on, that's when the magic happened. After checking to ensure that the shirt would properly cover my girth, I walked from my trailer to Wal-mart with the shirt on and was immediately approached by women. The women knew from the wolves on my shirt that I, like a wolf, am a mysterious loner who knows how to 'howl at the moon' from time to time (if you catch my drift!). The women that approached me wanted to know if I would be their boyfriend and/or give them money for something they called mehth. I told them no, because they didn't have enough teeth, and frankly a man with a wolf-shirt shouldn't settle for the first thing that comes to him.

I arrived at Wal-mart, mounted my courtesy-scooter (walking is such a drag!) sitting side saddle so that my wolves would show. While I was browsing tube socks, I could hear aroused asthmatic breathing behind me. I turned around to see a slightly sweaty dream in sweatpants and flip-flops standing there. She told me she liked the wolves on my shirt, I told her I wanted to howl at her moon. She offered me a swig from her mountain dew, and I drove my scooter, with her shuffling along side out the door and into the rest of our lives. Thank you wolf shirt.

Pros: Fits my girthy frame, has wolves on it, attracts women
Cons: Only 3 wolves (could probably use a few more on the 'guns'), cannot see wolves when sitting with arms crossed, wolves would have been better if they glowed in the dark."

[The Dol]

Also, for all you Dwight fans out there ("The Office"), you may have noticed that he wore the Three-Wolf-Moon shirt on the wedding episode recently. I'm sure I don't have to tell you what happened that night in Dwight's hotel room.

[Pandora]

Polly, you've obviously have been paying attention to the wise words of my father.

Diosa, I will say that Taylor Launter looks fabulous without a shirt and should be required to go sans shirt on a daily basis. However, I am forever Team Edward. However, if Taylor Launter was to be sporting the Three Wolf Moon shirt, I would easily switch sides.

Dol, you beat me to the punch. But yes, ladies, it's quite hard to explain the power it holds over you.