Alice Needs A Cleaning Lady. Er, Person.

Day late and a dollar short, I know.

Actually I'm a lot of dollars short but the good news is that on my first day in town I had an interview (on the phone but still) with a great non-profit here in my new digs and it looks promising, if I do say so myself.

The interview has me thinking and since I think in terms of Facebook status updates here's precisely what I've been thinking:

"If I get a job, that means I can't start drinking at 2pm anymore"

Oh, how I've been enjoying drinking in the middle of the afternoon. Never before 12pm, though, no need to worry about me.

Anywhoo, what this means is that, yes, I've actually moved to the real Midwest. The drive was good - I slept somewhere in mid-Kansas, which was an adventure all itself. Did you know that somewhere in western Kansas you can visit the country's largest prairie dog? Now you know. But I'll suggest you don't make the trip just for that. If you're passing through, however, it's about the only thing to see for 400-plus miles so you're probably going to want to make time for it. There is a wind farm, but there is absolutely no need to actually stop, let alone slow down, to see it.

So, I'm here, sans child. I was planning to bring him on the drive and had a good plan for how to handle 20 hours of driving with a 3 year old. Turns out drinking and driving isn't allowed in any state, so that plan fell right on through.

Last time I arrived here, just before Thanksgiving, I couldn't believe the state of things, where the state of things equals the cleanliness of the home my husband-to-be occupies. I would have previously described the man as "dirty" plain and simple, but Polly set me straight there. 

I now know that the man isn't dirty, but instead he's filthy. He keeps tidy, for the most part. Doesn't leave his clothes on the floor or his dishes in the sink - but also doesn't seem to have any regard for the state of his bathroom floor.

Polly says a marriage won't work if you've got to clean someone else's pee off the floor and I think she's right about that. And, for a change, I'd prefer this marriage be one that works.

So job number one is finding a cleaning person. I'd say lady but I won't discriminate if I find a man house cleaner. I just highly doubt there are many men in that particular profession.

Do you guys have someone who cleans your house? Tell me why it's worth it and what it saves you in terms of marriage/sanity/throwing up, etc.

Comments

[Polly]

Housekeepers save lives. That's what I say.

I have told Ramblin' Jack and pretty much anyone who would stand still long enough to listen that I cannot, under any circumstances, imagine a world in which I would feel, ahem, romantic toward a man--or any being, really--after cleaning his urine off the floor or his spit off the mirror. Not even if he buys me my own gold-plated house and matching jet.

Miracle no happen.

I think that housekeeping is one of those weird insidious relationship killers. Because at first you don't mind. You really don't.

But then, without warning, suddenly you do. You can tell you do because you've started to use his toothbrush to clean the toilet. Not so much out of spite or malice, but only because maybe he'll notice and appreciate how hard you worked on making the bathroom all sparkly if he can actually taste the scrubbing bubbles. You know, he just needs the gentle reminder.

And the resentment builds from there.

So I recommend housekeepers to everyone. Even those people who live alone. Because it's possible to get into a cold war with yourself. It really is. And even if it isn't, why risk it?

[Diosa]

Yes, we having a cleaning lady too. For about a year now. Until then, we managed fairly well. Cleaning does put me in a foul mood, though. It's not so much that I mind cleaning the toilet, it's that I resent what cleaning that toilet is keeping me from. Any given day or time of day there is a beach, a book, a glass of wine, a board game where my time would be better spent.

She only comes once every two weeks, though, so it not like we're not doing any cleaning around here. Just means I don't need to waste half a Saturday scrubbing bathtubs, toilets and floors, and dusting. Yelling at my kids to stop killing each other while I'm on my hands and knees scrubbing makes me question my desire to continue living.

[Mattie]

Wow I can't stop laughing...I have to tell you everything everyone has said is true. Speaking as a man I really like to go the extra mile in the romance dept. I light some candles, put on some barry white, pop a bottle of sparkling cider, whisper a few sweet nothings in my other ear, and on special nights use my right instead of my left hand. But all of this is ruined and I just can't do it with myself when I see my pee on the bathroom floor. Then there is the silent treatment, the brooding looks in the mirror, and of course the week of burned dinners. I can tell you it is just not worth it. Oh I know I could just try a little harder to aim the twig a bit better but he is so happy to be out in the open air he like to dance around a bit. A housekeeper is the only way I can live with myself.
Now if I could only find one that would do it in a french maids outfit then I really would have some material for later!
Alice...love the post, brokenhearted you are getting married. How could you not want this?

[Pandora]

As a broke college student, I can not afford a cleaning person. We do have Esteban who mows our lawm and trims our trees (he came with the house).

However, my redeeming quality as a future housewife is that I enjoy cleaning. I may not be able to bake or cook, but god damn it I can clean! I get into these funks where I blare Kanye and run around with a mop. Or, I get bored and reorganize my room. I'm known to color coordinate my friend's closets.

We have a new roommate moving in. HE, yes a straight male, claims to be clean. Lets see how this goes....

[The Model]

I made sure to set Rex's expectations as low as possible before we moved in together. I told him that, truly, I am not built for that sort of housework, and he'd be setting himself up for disappointment to expect that from me.

Ever.

At least he will always have clean clothes. They may be unfolded in a basket, but damn if I don't get the laundry done on the regular. Also? The Model can cook. But no longer does she--under almost any circumstances--do dishes. And especially not while speaking in third person. I'm also capable of a low degree of tidying. Once in a while. I am not at all kidding when I say that's the extent of what I'm willing to do.

So, he tidies and keeps the dishes done and the kitchen clean, and the floors and bathrooms clean. Ish. And our glass surfaces are never less than sparkling under his care. And that about covers it most of the time. Sometimes he'll even encourage me not to feel like I need to get out of bed and help him, in a manner entirely free of guilt-trippage.

I maintain that he'd be better handing all that off to a professional, lest he resent me. But he can't say I didn't warn him.

Also? I convinced him that women think it's totally hot in a European kind of way if a guy pees sitting down, so now at least he doesn't have to clean up much of his own pee from the bathroom floor.

[Danielle]

We have a house cleaner. And it's a husband/wife team. At least i think they're married.

Anyway. Having a cleaner was non-negotible, because my husband is gross. I'm not the cleanest person in the world either, but my husband's dorm room was consistently a room you couldn't so much "walk into" as "walk through" wielding a machete to cut through the three feet of clothing and other detritus.

Even with a cleaner, we still argue over some chores, but it's much better than it could be.

[Bookgirl]

I live alone, and am cleaning up only my own mess. And still have a housecleaner.

Here's the thing. I'm a slob. I drop things where I last used them, I only sporadically pick up spills, I have a clothes carpet in my bedroom at all times, and I shed. I have long, very think, very curly hair. Good God, do I shed.

So having a cleaning lady gives me a hard deadline. I have to have everything put away, or at least shoved into my closet, before she gets there so she can do the real cleaning. If left to my own devices, I could let it go for months.

Also, the way I describe the true luxury of having a cleaning lady is this: You know that feeling, when you're exhausted, and lying on the couch watching a movie, thinking, "I really need to clean the bathroom. Any minute now, I'm going to get up and clean the bathroom." You never actually do get up, but you completely ruin the movie anyway, because you feel guilty. With a cleaning lady you get to do what you would have done anyway. But feel okay with it.

[Bookgirl]

And Mattie, every time you comment, my crush on you gets a little stronger. I can't deny it anymore.

[Alice]

I'm with Bookie on the Mattie crush.

@Danielle - do you think the husband/wife team do the dirty in your bed? Because I know if the Professor and I were a husband and wife cleaning team that we would so do it on the clients beds. And he would probable pee on their floor, sadly.

@Model - I think you did the right thing and I think I did way too much of the opposite. I was all like "I like a clean house and I can't stand a mess" but failed to add in the part about me not really wanting to do it. In the cooking department - well, I'm a recovering chef so, naturally, he cooks the dinners.

@Pandora - I'm totally just like you with the cleaning spurts and when I get in one of those cleaning/ organizing moods, well, huh, just waaaaatch out. Problem is, the pee on the floor isn't mine and I just can't help but want to Mom the guy and tell him he's a grown up and should pay more attention to where he pees. But I know better.

@Diosa - my kid is still young enough that he tries to "help" me clean. Which is probably equally as frustrating as having to scream at him while cleaning. But much cuter...

@ Polly (and Ramblin' Jack for supporting Polly's theory) - thank you. You may have saved my marriage-to-be in advance. Any other advice that benefits me like a cleaning person would is welcomed.

[Bookgirl]

Model, is Tucson near Phoenix? Because I just found out I have to go to WrestleMania for work in March. (Stop laughing, you guys!!!)

[Polly]

Bookgirl, it's not fair to say something like that and expect us not to laugh. It's just not.

[loafingcactus]

I have someone clean my kitchen and bathrooms once a month. It saves me all of $10 over having her just clean the whole house, but I don't likr some stranger touching my tchotchkes. What I do need is someone to clean the hard to clean stuff, because it is a complete mystery to me how it's done. I scrub and I end up with dirt in a scrubby pattern, but she shows up and an hour later it's like I have a new kitchen. And then I can have friends so they can annoy the ever livin' daylights out of me by fondling the tchotchkes.

[Chance]

What are you going to do when WrestleMania runs wild on you! A very old tag line and bookgirl...do youself a favor...wear a pad lock around your hooha. I don't care if he is hot, seems put together, or claims he is only there because of his son/nephew/big brother...there is bad voodoo in the genes. God forbid you fell on his kangaroo and had a tadpol on the way...it would be born with a mullet and have chewing tobacco in its mouth. Ahhh please don't go down that road!!

[Diosa]

@Bookgirl - Wrestlemania? LMAO. But seriously, no dating the wrestlers. Not the kind of man you need in your life.

@Mattie - I'm sure you could find a woman to wear the french maid's outfit for the right price. I'm totally available for a million dollars.

@Group - Catch you on the flip side. I'm off to Disney in the morning.

[The Model]

Bookgirl, yes. It's less than two hours' drive. We should definitely get together.

I've been looking for an excuse to go up there so I can go to Ikea. I haven't made it up there since I moved into my new place and need some organizational crap or something.

I know you didn't, but don't even think about asking me to come to WrestleMania with you. I don't need any tadpoles from falling on a kangaroo, or whatever Mattie said.

[The Dol]

I heart having a housekeeper. Every two weeks for me. She changes out all the bedding, too, which I adore.

[Alice]

Mattie - you put waaaay too much thought into Bookie getting knocked up at WrestleMania.

Bookie - what the hell is wrestle mania? Maybe I want to go....

Loafing Cactus - really you don't want someone touching your tchotchkes? why not? If you saw the mess in this house you'd understand why I'll let just about anyone touch just about anything they want as long as the place is clean when they leave.

Dol - don't you think with pets, it's absolutely necessary or someone to clean the sheets? I mean, all that pet hair. Wait, do you let the pets in the bed? Mine go in during the day and the long haired one leaves a lot of that long hair on the bed.

[The Dol]

My dogs aren't allowed on the bed, but my cats do as they damn well please. They don't tend to sleep on my bed, though, in any case. But they leave pet hair all over the place, so the housekeeper is definitely a necessity.