Pandora's Father is Straight Hood Status

It's not easy to be me.

Oh, I'm sure you might think I have it easy with my wonderful boyfriend, no bills, parents' income,  fantastic roommates, and killer friends and family.  But, if you knew what I had to endure to achieve all that, you might considered yourself blessed.  

I was cursed to be born to a father who thinks he's "straight hood." 

Let me just tell you now that being 52 years old and bald with a beer belly does not qualify as "hood."

That's right people, my father thinks he's a gangster.  Call him Papa Gangsta Pete and he'll be thrilled that you did.

 

(This photo is two years old.  No, I'm not that awesome and don't always sport the 80s look on a daily basis.  It was part of a distraction from my surprise party.)

My father affectionately calls my mother his "biatch" and constantly asks me if "I'm picking up what he's laying down."  He likes to dance around to the Black Eyed Peas and honestly aspires to be Diddy.  Truly, he was excited about our family vacation to Amsterdam and kept talking about all the "hookers and hash" he was going to get.  When he gets back home from his job as a California State Peace Officer, he's sure to announce that he's "up in the hizzle."      

Putting up with my father is just like putting up with a 7-year -ld boy.  He runs to get places, torments my cat, and plays his Nitendo Wii all the time.  Granted, my father uses the Wii to lose weight.  He's about 3 months strong with the program and we're actually seeing improvements.  I'm tempted to sell him for endorsement deals like Jared did with Subway.  I'm also convinced that I recorded everything my dad did for a  day, I could make bank with it on Youtube.  

Yeah, I use my father, but what loving daughter doesn't? 

With a quick flash of a smile and some puppy eyes, my wallet is 10 dollars richer.  But, don't think I get an allowance, people.  As my dad would say, "That's for kids who actually do chores.  You get welfare, honey."

My dad is horribly obnoxious.  Yes, I do find him funny, but after hearing the joke "Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?" for the 46th time, he gets a bit old.  Papa Gangsta Pete is also that one guy in line at Disneyland.  You know, the one who makes a joke loud enough in hopes that other people hear it and laugh? Embarrassingly enough for me, that is my father.  

My father has gathered quite a fan base.  Seriously, you can become a fan of him on Facebook.  But, then again, you can become a fan of almost anything nowadays.  Polly has told me countless times about Ramblin' Jack being in awe of how Papa Gangsta Pete mercilessly took down Baby Dol (she's only 5) with words at Thanksgiving dinner.  Luckily for Baby Dol, she has Skipper for an uncle and therefore understands that when any adult figure who tell her that her "parents don't really love her" and that they "purely keep her around for a tax deduction" it's all lies.  

In all seriousness, Papa Gangsta Pete makes a great husband.  He and my mother have shared 22 years of "marital bliss" and it's obvious that my mother wears the pants in the relationship.  My sister, mother, and I are his weakness.  He'd go to end of the world for us.  He's told me that the only way he'd be disappointed in me is if I didn't give him grandchildren.  I told him that I could get right on that for him.  He could have killed me with the look he gave me.  

Papa Gangsta Pete is an excellent cook and turns into a Bobby Flay in the kitchen.  He gets excited about trying out new recipes and uses my sister and I as tasters.  But, he always says one thing before he cooks us dinner:     

"Don't think that I'm giving you dinner because I love you.  I'm required by state law to feed, clothe, and put a roof over your head.  This is not an act of love."

I'm sure, Daddy, I'm sure.....

Comments

[Polly]

So, why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?

[Kit]

The answer has got to be (and I have never heard this joke before)"

"Fo' drizzle."

[Bookgirl]

Polly, I was distracted the whole time I was reading by that same question.

Kit, he he he. If I weren't strictly opposed to ever, for any reason, typing "lol" I would. Because I did.

Pandora, I confess. I am one of PGP's Facebook fans...

[The Dol]

I am a FB fan of PGP, too. He is the coolest uncle evah. I love it when he and my aunt come to visit. They stay at my house and we have the best time. Polly and Mr. Poppins usually join us for dinner while they're here, because Papa Gangsta Pete is like the family celebrity.

[Pandora]

@Kit, that has been the punch line for all 46 times.

@Dol and Bookgirl, I'm glad you guys are fans. Essentially, I just follow him around with a notebook and write down the eccentric sayings. Also Dol, I'm pretty sure you're his favorite niece. But, I'm pretty sure he wants to keep that on the DL.