Alice Gets All Dol'd Up

Alice: Ok, lady, you ready?

Dol: If by ready, you mean drunk, then sadly no.

Alice: Well, then: I’m ready. You can have one-word answers since this isn't a hazing, like it was for Chance. How do you think he did by the way? You think he's gonna fit in here?

Dol: He seems to have the right amount of admiration for all of us.

Alice: Exactly. So, you're a pretty die-hard right winger, correct-o?

Dol: Me; a teabagger? Do you know what that means?

Alice: I do. But only because I looked it up.

Dol: Me, too. My gay friends kept chuckling and nudging each other, and I didn't get it. At first, I figured the right wingers didn’t get it either, but then again with all their crazy sex scandals, it could be a really clever inside joke—only they aren’t clever. Which is why I’m a dirty hippy.

Alice: You do a lot of work in your local political scene—is any of it paid work or do you volunteer?

Dol: I'm a Democrat, so it's all volunteer.

Alice: Good lordy I love that answer.

What do you think of people who get all amped up at election time and then do absolutely nothing otherwise?

Dol: Well, I realize that not everyone has the free time to get involved. I forgive them as long as they vote. People who don’t vote are schmucks. But the people that really irritate the hell out of me are the people who have big noisy opinions but don't have a clue what they're talking about. Like climate-change deniers or people who oppose gay marriage.

Alice: Have you seen any episodes of Brotherhood?

Dol: No. Is it good? Because I need something new to watch while I fold laundry.

Alice: Wait, you fold laundry? I thought you were too good for work and had a cleaning lady. So, then you're not a complete snob? Damn, that kind of ruins things.

Dol: When I said "fold laundry," I meant I supervise my laundry-folding staff.

Alice: Phew.

Dol: Sorry, I forgot I was amongst commoners here.

Alice: Moving on. Would you say your top two causes are animals and politics?

Dol: Are you basing this on my facebook posts?

Alice: I’ll take that as a “yes.”

If you had to give up one of those, which would it be? And I mean give it up—no sneaky phone banking late at night or facebook updates: Give. It. Up.

Dol: Easy: politics.

Alice: I did not expect that to be so easy. It’s obvious: you don’t really love your country, do you?

Dol: Of course I don’t. All Democrats hate the United States. It's officially in our party platform. We heart France. They are so much better than us.

Alice: Don’t you think, though, France has it a bit easier since they are like, a little smaller and have more homogeneity?

Dol: They have good wine, too. I really think that deserves a solid amount of credit for the awesomeness of the French. Plus, they have the most fabulous socialized health care evah.

Alice: Thanks for telling me all that—I’m bitter with France now.

Who would you rather go on a date with: Bush, Cheney, or Rove?

Dol: That is disgusting. I would rather join a convent in Siberia.

Alice: Sorry, you're gonna have to pick one. I bet Karl Rove is a pretty fun guy!

Dol: “No” to Rove. Sure he can rap, but his stage name is “Turd Blossom.” And I definitely cannot see myself choosing Cheney, because I doubt his status among the living.

Alice: Bush likes to golf!

Dol: I hate golf. Golf is for Republicans.

Alice: Dude. You know I heart golf, right?

Dol: I can give you that mini golf is okay.

Alice: You still haven’t answered the question.

Dol: But this is a disgusting question.

Alice: I know. That’s the point. Answer!

Dol: Given the awfulness of the other choices, I think I’m willing to allude to Bush. But there’s no way I’m going to come right out and say it.

Alice: Okay.

Your family consists of you, Baby Doc, one girl, two dogs, and two cats, right?

Dol: I'm also fostering a bunch of dust bunnies.

Alice: Baby Doc is a pediatrician. Does he have any adult patients that just can't move on because he is so wonderful?

Dol: I asked him for you. He says he thinks they accept the inevitable, even if they don't like it.

Alice: I bet it would be kind of nice to have a patient as a baby and as a grandma. Ask him.

Dol: He says no.

Alice: But life is so cyclical, you know—he would get to see his patients with diapers and without teeth and in floral prints at two stages of their lives. Wouldn’t he like that?

Dol: He says he wouldn’t like that. He says you're fixating, Alice.

Alice: I’ve been told that I have that problem.

So did him being a baby, well, doc, make you as a parent of a new born, more or less wacko when it came to bumps, scrapes, falls, health scares in general?

Dol: I was definitely less of a wacko having him around. You know who was funny, though? Polly.

When Secret Lulu was a tiny baby, Polly called our house at least once a day, usually with a question about poop. One time, Baby Doc and I watched Lulu for a couple of hours, and when Polly came to get her, I reported that Lulu had pooped. I figured, given Polly’s preoccupation with Lulu’s poop, she’d be glad to hear it. But Polly got kind of quiet. I guessed what was up right away. I asked, “You want to go get it out of the dumpster and look at it, don't you?" She said, "Kind of."

Alice: So, she was more—you were less. There couldn't have been a better answer there. What’s more likely for your family: another baby or another pet?

Dol: Easy: pet.

Alice: Does that mean you're getting another puppy?

Dol: I'd appreciate it if we could keep that under wraps. We haven't told the cats yet. I think they’re hoping for a gerbil or a fish, so a puppy is going to be a big disappointment.

Alice: Will you answer a few questions in the character of one of your pets?

Dol: Didn't I already tell you that I'm not drunk?

Alice: Yeah, but my chihuahua Santos, who is a mean Mexicano, has a few questions for your Frodo, the 3 legger you rescued via Mexico.

Dol: Go ahead, Frodo's ready.

Santos: Hola, Frotto. Esta Santos. I lives in the Ohio but me gusta Mexico mucho.

Frodo: Ohio? Who you think you joking at? You ain’t no mean Mexicano. I am Mexicano for reals— auténtico!

Santos: Haly Sheet. Tu mean for a handicap dag.

Frodo: We is calling it Handy Capable, pendejo.

Santos: Homo, tu didn't—if I’m ever get to Sandi Ego I'm to sheet on your lawn.

Frodo: What you weigh? Like five ounce? You look on my lawn, I kick you ass—and I don’t need no stinking four paw to do it, either.

Santos: Dis enough. Tu mean dag. I’m unfriend tu on DogBook right now. Later, tres legger.

Frodo: Tu mamá!

Alice: I'm not sure that turned out as had Santos hoped.

What’s your number one guilty pleasure?

Dol: I downloaded a Britney Spears song recently. Does that count?

Alice: It counts.

Fiction or non-fiction?

Dol: Definitely fiction. Non-fiction is usually too boring, but not always.

Alice: What’s the last book you read that you absolutely did not want to end?

Dol: "The Endless Forest," by Sara Donati. I think I cried for the last 10 pages.

Alice: Favorite movie?

Dol: I guess in terms of re-watchability, I love the Lord of the Rings movies and the Harry Potter movies.

Alice: Schools for your daughter: public or private?

Dol: Public, absolutely. I am a commie pinko that way.

Alice: What job would you least like her to grow up to have? You can’t say "stripper."

Dol: Republican operative.

Alice: So, then, what if she grows up to be a republican operative?

Dol: I would much rather she become a stripper. I'd even prefer stripper over registered Republican. If she turns out Republican, I may have to adopt and start over.

Alice: How old does she have to be to: color her hair, pierce her ears, go on a date?

Dol: She needs to be able to pay for her own hair color. She can get her ears pierced whenever she wants. What is a date anymore? Do kids do that?

Alice: If they do, how old before she can—for the sake of definition—go to the movies alone with a boy. Or girl, of course.

Dol: But not a Republican, right? Because I couldn't care less if she's a lesbian but I'll have to go into therapy if she dates or becomes a conservative. Anyhow, I guess I'd say about 15 for a date.

Alice: I only have one more question: is it true what they say about red heads, do they do it better?

Dol: Yes, everything. Better.

Alice: That’s a wrap.

Dol: Really? This has been very fun. You're totally better than Terri Gross. She never does pet voices.

Comments

[Chance]

What a great interview! I think alice is headed for 20/20...and I am not just saying that to temper her wrath over earlier comments...ok maybe a little but it was great! I think I won't have kids because of the 50/50 chance they might become Republs just to pay me back for making them serve food at a shelter on X-Mas, or when all their friends are out playing and I am making them sit inside and read the bill of rights!

[Alice]

I'm surprised you can read, Chance. But I'm not bitter.

[Polly]

The Dol considered saving that poop for me. She knew I'd want to see it. But in the end, she just threw it away, in complete disregard to my feelings of parental, ahem, duty.

@Alice, wow. Chance turned on you really quickly. I'd blame him, but you did tell him no one in the group would sleep with him, breaking the cardinal rule of never letting a man know he has no hope. Men are much more manageable when they have, ahem, hope.

[Bookgirl]

I love a venue where we can all freely bash the opposing political party.

Dol, If you can find a chastity belt that keeps out Republicans, I say do it. My cousin married one. Christmas hasn't been the same since. Midway through the debate on health care this year, my nephew and I gave up on wine glasses and started drinking Reisling out of the giant red Solo cups. My mother was all nervous, and my sister and I had to take turns following her into the kitchen and explain that just because Glenn Beck said it didn't mean it was true. Things got ugly.

[The Dol]

Yes, Chance, Alice really is a great interviewer. And I don't have to say that now that my interview is over, so I must really mean it! And it's good to be safe, but I think it's possible to brainwash even the smallest child into accepting your political beliefs. I like to take Baby Dol to marriage equality rallies, where she plays with all the adorable pedigree drop-kick dogs that the gay men bring with them. Strategy, my friend.

Polly, just... yeah. I don't even know what to say about your poop obsession.

Bookgirl, that really does suck. I have some Republicans in my extended family, but I try not to have them over on major holidays, because it would ruin all my fun. Except for Pandora's mom, who I think is a Republican, but not a rabid, obnoxious one. Frankly, I'm the rabid, obnoxious person, politically speaking, in my family. But I'm right, so I figure that makes it ok.

[Pandora]

I think the IYBH team would get more ratings than The View

I was fed to the sharks this past Christmas. Papa Gangsta Pete had to announce to the entire Republican family that I voted for Obama. I'm no Dol, so for me to defend my position against 15 conservatives is a nearly impossible task. Straight up had to tell my Protestant uncle that I would get an abortion if I was pregnant right now. I had to start sneaking sips of my grandma's wine and cousin's irish coffee just to get through the night.

Also Dol, I kind of see your kid rebelling against you and going to the dark side. I mean, I did with my parents.....

Also, public school for the win! I credit my wit and charm to it.

[The Dol]

Word up, Pandora. You stay strong, girl. I don't much like a face-to-face argument with a Republican, so I bow down to you.

[Polly]

@The Dol, you make rabid look pretty.

[Pandora]

I constantly remind my cousins that without me or my father, their family would be boring. They always agree.

[Diosa]

@Alice - I don't do pet interviews, so don't even ask.

@Dol - I'm with you on the spawn turning Republican thing. I'd feel I'd failed as a mother.

[Alice]

Diosa - do you have any pets? Kidding. Santos was a one time appearance. And only because I know the Dol shares my pet persona quality.

[Diosa]

@Alice - we have a fish and a gecko that has pretty amazing survival skills.