(This post is the first in a series of interviews--conducted mostly by Alice--of the If You Belonged Here team, starting with our newest member: Chance. Chance has been commenting as Mattie for a while but, as with all great cults, we have stripped him of his identity and given him a new one. He gets to go first as a form of hazing. --Polly)
No one word answers, except when that is the funniest or only appropriate way to answer. I'll give you one pass. Or one mulligan; you golf right?
Alice: Good, so you know the value of a mulligan?
Yeah, it means you get to keep hitting the ball until you get the shot you
Alice: Right. You get
one. Or a pass. Use it wisely, Chance. Also, we will be referring to the rest
of the writers on IYBH as "the team." And you should realize that I
am most likely going to ask you questions that will get you in trouble with the
Great. Just what I love: women mad at me. Do you realize the extent I have gone
to just to make sure that doesn't happen?
Alice: No, we just met.
I have watched weeks' worth of Lifetime Movie Channel just to keep the peace.
Alice: That's sweet. Boxers or briefs?Chance: Neither. I just let them hang there. I’m trying to keep the sperm count up.
Alice: Well. Moving right
along. Water: Bottled, tap or sparkling?
Tap or reusable bottles.
Alice: That's so Seattle of you.
Currently you are living in two fabulous cities but you're trying to narrow that down to just one. Is that because the economy tanked and you had to sell the private jet that carted you between the two?
Chance: No. I still have the jet but the gas prices are killing me.
Alice: Oh, good. Which
one of us on the team will you let borrow it first?
Whoever most wants to join the mile-high club. But you can have first dibs at
making out with me.
Alice: Is it a major
boost to your already large ego to be invited to write here with 7 hot women?
It was for me. Don't be shy.
My ego varies in size and shape depending on the day but, yes, it was an honor just
to be nominated.
Alice: Name your favorite
book, movie and song. You only have 1 minute or it’s going on the record as
"no answer." Please don't do that to yourself.
Beach Music or maybe Young Blood Hawke. She’s Having A Baby or maybe The
Matrix. Ghost by Indigo Girls or
maybe Luckiest by Ben Folds.
Alice: That was the only
timed question. So if you're sweating, you can stop. I sweat a lot, especially
when nervous, so I assume you do, too.
Not as much as I would like.
Alice: Interesting. I'll
read Beach Music—is that really a
book? I’ve already read Young Blood Hawke. I will see She’s Having A Baby and ridicule you for
not answering The Departed. I hate The Matrix. Ghost and The Luckiest
are two of my favorites!
Beach Music is a book by Pat Conroy.
There is no way you already read Young
Blood Hawke. The Departed was
just okay; Good Fellas was better.
Those two songs are on the opposite sides of every love affair I have had, of
which the first was an Alice. No bullshit and that can be on the record.
Alice: So you have a blog, "I'm coming back as a bug!", and it's fabulous. What
made you decide to keep a blog?
Nobody would listen to me for that long. Also I needed the writing practice.
Mostly I just wanted to have some female fans write to me about how great I am
and then send me naked pictures or fly to Seattle to use me for sex.
Alice: You think you're
funny but you know that no one on the team is going to have sex with you,
Maybe. That doesn't mean some of the readers won't.
Alice: Well, Chance, if
that happens I want to be the first to hear of it.
Since I don't know you at all, I read your blog
to come up with a lot of these questions—lest you or anyone think I'm crazy—this
is the stuff anyone who’s reading your blog
wants to know, I can promise you that.
I'm sure they've been waiting.
Alice: Have you read A Foreskin’s Lament by Shalom Auslander?
Because he has the same problem with God as you do with karma.
I haven’t read it. But what problems do I have with karma? Besides the fact
that it bites me in the ass a lot—and not in a good way.
Alice: I would send it to
you but I'm unemployed—read: broke. So given my circumstances, you'd feel
terrible accepting gifts from me, right?
Anything but love.
Alice: I'm still not sending it. When you read it you will see what I mean about the God/Karma similarity. You say you're looking for love, kind of, right? And you're 36 years old? Maybe it's time to lower your expectations?
Chance: I don't know how much lower than getting dumped by a hooker is. Maybe I should go hang out next to a rehab center.
I feel $49.95 lighter every month. It's nice to look at the pictures and dream.
owes me a free six months soon.
Alice: I don't know what
that means. But Polly has been known to make quite convincing profiles for her
friends on internet dating sites, which has, on occasion, ended in marriage. On
a scale of 1 to 10, how bad do you want Polly to do this for you? Remember
we're talking potential wife here.
A wife I would like—herpes I would not: 7.98.
Alice: Let's see if Polly
offers. I hear she's a little busy these days. What’s the single best quality
of all of your ex-girlfriends?
They where all smarter than me. Except for Jill. And the hooker.
Alice: Is the hooker
How many girls have there been, to be exact?
I have to count. Hold, please. Wait! Is this a sex number or a girlfriend
Alice: Are they different
numbers? Because I doubt it. But, for the sake of argument, I’m asking about girlfriends—of
the serious type.
4 and they were all better looking than me. Well, maybe 5. Does naming your unconceived
children when you are both drunk count as serious?
Alice: It can count. But
it shouldn’t. Also, from your blog, any reader can see that you're way into
random acts of kindness. What's the latest act?
Talking to you. Kidding. I told an old woman I liked her scarf—babushka, or
something like that.
Alice: Are you gay? I mean, I've read about your girlfriends and sex life but you know, it never hurts to ask.
No. I like boobs too much. I have kissed a guy with tongue. Once.
Alice: Would you be gay
forever for 30 million?
Alice: I don't see what
the big deal is. You must really be a boob guy?
Alice, you are fixating. I'm not gay.
Alice: No 30 million for
you. Moving on. Tomorrow is Groundhog Day, what are you doing to celebrate? I'm
having friends over to watch the movie. But this is about you, so, you know, go
ahead with your answer.
I don’t have an answer.
Alice: Fair enough.
What’s your favorite groundhog day quote?
Do I need one?
Alice: You got your teeth
I have twice. I have a temporary bridge and am waiting to get the real one.
Alice: Are they removable
is the question. Like could I be knocking boots with you and suddenly have your
teeth fly out?
I guess it depends on how hard you knock. But, not really.
Alice: Scenario: You meet
a super hot girl and she says she is a vegetarian and before you can help it,
out of your mouth flies "me, too."
Do you actually become a vegetarian or do you sneak meatball sandwiches while
she’s not around?
Alice: In one post you
describe breaking up with a Kelly for a googly-eyed Jenny and you said the
grass was greener. Now that you've grown up is the grass ever greener or just a
different shade of green?
Well, that post was two years ago but that situation was a while back. Since
then I have learned that grass is grass. Just learn to pick the weeds.
Alice: So, it's not
No. If you love the grass you have, then don't walk around barefoot on someone
else’s lawn. It feels the same after a couple of times.
Alice: So, can we agree,
the grass is never greener but just a different shade of green. Do your parents
read your blog posts?
My mom used to, but stopped pretty quick.
Alice: Would you rather
be a washed up star on a show about living in a house with other washed up
stars or a future std victim with Brett Michaels?
I would rather be the std victim of a std victim of Brett Michaels. But those
women are pretty gross. What kind of choice is that?
Alice: It was a question
from your very own blog.
Nice. That's what I get. My answer is washed
up, I guess.
Alice: Wait, you can’t answer both.
Alice: You claim to be
doing pretty well on the environmental karma front — have you seen WALL-E? What
we learn there is that the only things to survive the mess we are making of our
environment are a cockroach, a Twinkie, and a robot. I assume, given a choice,
you're going with bug on this one?
Robot. I hate bugs.
Alice: On July 4 of 2008 you claimed you were going to stop flic’ing your bic (smoking). How's that going?
Alice: If I said you had
a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
This is a phone interview, so the short answer is "no."
Alice: Is there anyone
you want me to kill for you? I'm not in the business, I'm just trying to find
out if your a sick you-know-what.
No, bad karma.
Alice: Good answer. Since
this blog is going to make you famous, is there anything you’d like to say
publicly to your ex, Jill?
Yeah sure: when I am rich and famous don't contact me.