Alice Gets Lucky with Chance

(This post is the first in a series of interviews--conducted mostly by Alice--of the If You Belonged Here team, starting with our newest member: Chance. Chance has been commenting as Mattie for a while but, as with all great cults, we have stripped him of his identity and given him a new one. He gets to go first as a form of hazing. --Polly)

Alice : Let's get this started. These are the rules:

No one word answers, except when that is the funniest or only appropriate way to answer. I'll give you one pass. Or one mulligan; you golf right?

 Chance: You can call it that.

Alice: Good, so you know the value of a mulligan?

Chance: Yeah, it means you get to keep hitting the ball until you get the shot you like.

Alice: Right. You get one. Or a pass. Use it wisely, Chance. Also, we will be referring to the rest of the writers on IYBH as "the team." And you should realize that I am most likely going to ask you questions that will get you in trouble with the team.

Chance: Great. Just what I love: women mad at me. Do you realize the extent I have gone to just to make sure that doesn't happen?

Alice: No, we just met.

Chance: I have watched weeks' worth of Lifetime Movie Channel just to keep the peace.

Alice: That's sweet. Boxers or briefs?

Chance: Neither. I just let them hang there. I’m trying to keep the sperm count up. 

Alice: Well. Moving right along. Water: Bottled, tap or sparkling?

Chance: Tap or reusable bottles.

Alice: That's so Seattle of you.

Currently you are living in two fabulous cities but you're trying to narrow that down to just one. Is that because the economy tanked and you had to sell the private jet that carted you between the two?

Chance: No. I still have the jet but the gas prices are killing me.

Alice: Oh, good. Which one of us on the team will you let borrow it first?

Chance: Whoever most wants to join the mile-high club. But you can have first dibs at making out with me.

Alice: Is it a major boost to your already large ego to be invited to write here with 7 hot women? It was for me. Don't be shy.

Chance: My ego varies in size and shape depending on the day but, yes, it was an honor just to be nominated.

Alice: Name your favorite book, movie and song. You only have 1 minute or it’s going on the record as "no answer." Please don't do that to yourself.

Chance: Beach Music or maybe Young Blood Hawke. She’s Having A Baby or maybe The Matrix. Ghost by Indigo Girls or maybe Luckiest by Ben Folds.

Alice: That was the only timed question. So if you're sweating, you can stop. I sweat a lot, especially when nervous, so I assume you do, too.

Chance: Not as much as I would like.

Alice: Interesting. I'll read Beach Music—is that really a book? I’ve already read Young Blood Hawke. I will see She’s Having A Baby and ridicule you for not answering The Departed. I hate The Matrix. Ghost and The Luckiest are two of my favorites!

Chance: Beach Music is a book by Pat Conroy. There is no way you already read Young Blood Hawke. The Departed was just okay; Good Fellas was better. Those two songs are on the opposite sides of every love affair I have had, of which the first was an Alice. No bullshit and that can be on the record.

Alice: So you have a blog, "I'm coming back as a bug!", and it's fabulous. What made you decide to keep a blog?

Chance: Nobody would listen to me for that long. Also I needed the writing practice. Mostly I just wanted to have some female fans write to me about how great I am and then send me naked pictures or fly to Seattle to use me for sex.

Alice: You think you're funny but you know that no one on the team is going to have sex with you, right?

Chance: Maybe. That doesn't mean some of the readers won't.

Alice: Well, Chance, if that happens I want to be the first to hear of it.

Since I don't know you at all, I read your blog to come up with a lot of these questions—lest you or anyone think I'm crazy—this is the stuff anyone who’s reading your blog wants to know, I can promise you that.

Chance: I'm sure they've been waiting.

Alice: Have you read A Foreskin’s Lament by Shalom Auslander? Because he has the same problem with God as you do with karma.

Chance: I haven’t read it. But what problems do I have with karma? Besides the fact that it bites me in the ass a lot—and not in a good way. 

Alice: I would send it to you but I'm unemployed—read: broke. So given my circumstances, you'd feel terrible accepting gifts from me, right?

Chance: Anything but love.

Alice: I'm still not sending it. When you read it you will see what I mean about the God/Karma similarity. You say you're looking for love, kind of, right? And you're 36 years old? Maybe it's time to lower your expectations?

Chance: I don't know how much lower than getting dumped by a hooker is. Maybe I should go hang out next to a rehab center.

 Alice: Whatever. How do you feel about internet dating?

Chance: I feel $49.95 lighter every month. It's nice to look at the pictures and dream. Match.com owes me a free six months soon.

Alice: I don't know what that means. But Polly has been known to make quite convincing profiles for her friends on internet dating sites, which has, on occasion, ended in marriage. On a scale of 1 to 10, how bad do you want Polly to do this for you? Remember we're talking potential wife here.

Chance: A wife I would like—herpes I would not: 7.98.

Alice: Let's see if Polly offers. I hear she's a little busy these days. What’s the single best quality of all of your ex-girlfriends?

Chance: They where all smarter than me. Except for Jill. And the hooker.

Alice: Is the hooker real?

Chance: Not yet.

Alice: How many girls have there been, to be exact?

Chance: I have to count. Hold, please. Wait! Is this a sex number or a girlfriend number?

Alice: Are they different numbers? Because I doubt it. But, for the sake of argument, I’m asking about girlfriends—of the serious type.

Chance: 4 and they were all better looking than me. Well, maybe 5. Does naming your unconceived children when you are both drunk count as serious?

Alice: It can count. But it shouldn’t. Also, from your blog, any reader can see that you're way into random acts of kindness. What's the latest act?

Chance: Talking to you. Kidding. I told an old woman I liked her scarf—babushka, or something like that.

Alice: Are you gay? I mean, I've read about your girlfriends and sex life but you know, it never hurts to ask.

Chance: No. I like boobs too much. I have kissed a guy with tongue. Once.

Alice: Would you be gay forever for 30 million?

Chance: No.

Alice: I don't see what the big deal is. You must really be a boob guy?

Chance: Alice, you are fixating. I'm not gay.

Alice: No 30 million for you. Moving on. Tomorrow is Groundhog Day, what are you doing to celebrate? I'm having friends over to watch the movie. But this is about you, so, you know, go ahead with your answer.

Chance: I don’t have an answer.

Alice: Fair enough. What’s your favorite groundhog day quote?

Chance: Do I need one? 

Alice: You got your teeth knocked out. 

Chance: I have twice. I have a temporary bridge and am waiting to get the real one.

Alice: Are they removable is the question. Like could I be knocking boots with you and suddenly have your teeth fly out?

Chance: I guess it depends on how hard you knock. But, not really.

Alice: Scenario: You meet a super hot girl and she says she is a vegetarian and before you can help it, out of your mouth flies "me, too." Do you actually become a vegetarian or do you sneak meatball sandwiches while she’s not around?

Chance: Sneak.

Alice: Shady.

Chance: Totally.

Alice: In one post you describe breaking up with a Kelly for a googly-eyed Jenny and you said the grass was greener. Now that you've grown up is the grass ever greener or just a different shade of green?

Chance: Well, that post was two years ago but that situation was a while back. Since then I have learned that grass is grass. Just learn to pick the weeds.

Alice: So, it's not greener?

Chance: No. If you love the grass you have, then don't walk around barefoot on someone else’s lawn. It feels the same after a couple of times.

Alice: So, can we agree, the grass is never greener but just a different shade of green. Do your parents read your blog posts? 

Chance: My mom used to, but stopped pretty quick.

Alice: Would you rather be a washed up star on a show about living in a house with other washed up stars or a future std victim with Brett Michaels?

Chance: I would rather be the std victim of a std victim of Brett Michaels. But those women are pretty gross. What kind of choice is that? 

Alice: It was a question from your very own blog.

Chance: Nice. That's what I get. My answer is washed up, I guess.

Alice: Wait, you can’t answer both.

 Chance: Yeah, I don't follow rules sometimes.

Alice: You claim to be doing pretty well on the environmental karma front — have you seen WALL-E? What we learn there is that the only things to survive the mess we are making of our environment are a cockroach, a Twinkie, and a robot. I assume, given a choice, you're going with bug on this one?

Chance: Robot. I hate bugs.

Alice: On July 4 of 2008 you claimed you were going to stop flic’ing your bic (smoking). How's that going?

 Chance: Sucks. Still trying.

Alice: If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

Chance: This is a phone interview, so the short answer is "no."

Alice: Is there anyone you want me to kill for you? I'm not in the business, I'm just trying to find out if your a sick you-know-what.

Chance: No, bad karma.

Alice: Good answer. Since this blog is going to make you famous, is there anything you’d like to say publicly to your ex, Jill?

Chance: Yeah sure: when I am rich and famous don't contact me.

Comments

[The Dol]

I have to go after *that*? Because that was some funny shit. I can tell I'm going to have to drink in the early afternoon just to loosen up.

Gawd.

[Ramblin' Jack]

Alice, I counted three one-word answers. So all that tough talk at the beginning was a bluff, or were you just going easy on the new guy?

[Pandora]

I want a post about Jill and all her evil. Also, one about the hooker-imaginary or not- for good measure.

[Polly]

I have yet to get action from this blog. Not a single offer. Not that I'd accept an offer. But it might be nice to be asked.

Or maybe not.

Why isn't being stalked by horny people nearly as fun for women as it is for men?

Also, I'm up for managing Chance's online dating but I'm a little busy this week and we still don't know each other that well. Let's work up to that...

[Polly]

@Alice, I think you spoke out of turn when you said that none of us would sleep with Chance. If he moves to New York and his sperm count is as-advertised high, we could totally get Bookgirl to do it. But only if they were married first. Because she's old-fashioned like that.

[Chance]

It's up to you New York...NEW YORKKKKK!!

How about that Alice...she is better then Chris Matthew's. A little hung up on male/male sex but other then that...

[boots]

i love alice. and her male/male sex hang-ups. chance could come to ohio and see me......i'm single (and cute!)

[Alice]

Dude, Chance, I never even thought but now that its mentioned - you and Boots are a total win.

I shouldn't have spoken for Bookie - sleep with who you'd like, doll.

Chance - this was waaaay fun.

Dol - I had a drink or 4 before interviewing Chance because I was soo nervous.

Ramblin Jack - I went easy on the poor guy. He didn't follow directions too well. You will be a different story, since we've broken bread and all.

[Alice]

Also, fyi for you all. Bookie called me hysterical, which means she likes it but not enough to comment? Come on, NEEEEEEWWWW YOOOOORK.

[Alice]

one more thing. If my pic is half as good as chances, I owe ramblin jack big time. way to go, jack-o.

[Chance]

I was just thinking about taking a trip to New York...but would anybody think less of me if I made a stop in Ohio? I think the baseball hall of fame is there somewhere.

[Bookgirl]

Yes, I had to call Alice as soon as I finished reading it, so she could be part of the fun that was me laughing so hard I sounded like I was crying. I was amused. My next-door neighbors, however, probably think my mother died.

Alice, your ability to work Foreskin's Lament into almost any conversation is admirable. Are you sure they're not paying you?

As for Chance scoring, I'd say his odds are better than average. I was already leaning in that direction with the fact that he can make me giggle out loud, and his many creative nicknames for his johnson. But he had me at Ghost. Oh, how I love that song...

[Bookgirl]

Now that I've seen his last comment, let me ammend that. His odds are better than average unless he stops in Ohio first. Then they're nonexistent... ( ;

[Alice]

looks like Chance really knows how to eff up his chances...

[Polly]

@alice's last comment: I think he more than alluded to that n the interview.

[boots]

better not stop in ohio chance...bookie would be hurt!!!!!

[boots]

oh sweet alice, really? you think chance standing a chance? really? you know me so well........

[boots]

then again....who knows?

[Chance]

I am pretty sure I am going to marry the next woman I have sex with, or maybe have sex with the first woman I marry...but all this talk about scoring is giving me performance anxiety so maybe I should just stay in Seattle.

[Bookgirl]

Poor Chance. A week in, and we've already objectified you. We might as well have just made your screen name "Token."

[Alice]

Its never too late to change the screen name - that's pure genius, Bookie.

Boots - you'd love him!

[Bookgirl]

Speaking of performance anxiety, I have my interview with Alice tonight. I have a lot of witty to live up to... Particularly after an 11-hour workday.

[Chance]

Just remember bookgirl that alice tends to turn everything into something about her so trying to keep her on point is a challenge. But I really have to say that the first 1/2 of the interview was the most fun I have had with my clothes on in a long time. The second half of the interview was about the 3rd best time I have had with my clothes off in at least a couple of years.

[The Dol]

i had fun, too. i couldn't justify drinking, so i did the whole thing stone-cold sober. you don't have that excuse at this hour, bookgirl. DRINK!!!

[Alice]

Chance. You are going to pay for that.

[Diosa]

Groundhog's Day is the movie Blackstone and I saw on our first date.

@Chance - I completely agree - grass is grass. I'm sure we'll get along just fine.

[Bookgirl]

I already knew teabagging, but I found out recently that the gay term for the kind of guy I'm attracted to is "meatball." I speak gay at an intermediate level, but I'm shooting for full fluency.

[Bookgirl]

Um, so I just realized I commented on the wrong post. So my comment, while completely appropriate in response to the DOL, just sounds dirty here. My bad...