Alice Finds Diosa

 Alice: What’s your favorite color?

Diosa: Green.

Alice:  How old are you?

Diosa: 34.

Alice: Would you love it if I ask you a million questions like that?

Diosa: Not so much.

Alice: So you've been married to the same man, Blackstone, for a long time? 

Diosa: We've been married for over ten years, together for seventeen years; half my life.

Alice: And he’s your first husband, right? Impressive.

We've heard that Polly said “don't do it” on your wedding day, but what was going through your head?

Diosa: I wasn't ready to leave my future husband at the altar. Totally not my style. But I had rationally had a conversation with him the previous week stating that if things didn't get better soon, I'd divorce him.

Alice: I had that same conversation with my first husband. My situation turned out a little different than yours.

Diosa: The six months preceding and following my wedding were some of the worst of my life. We had been together a long time, and I knew I loved him. I trusted in the fact that it was a rough patch and we would get through it. Luckily, I seemed to be right.

Alice: Blackstone looks just like John Cusack. So I assume you think John Cusack is hot.

Diosa: I had quite a thing for John Cusack before I met Blackstone. It may have helped things along.

Alice: How many urinary tract infections did it take before your dad said "I have two words for you: Oral Sex”?

Diosa: I've had so many, it's hard to count let alone keep track of how many I'd had at one point or another. I was still living at home, so let's put the number at about ten or fifteen.

Alice: Were you mortified or was that normal banter around your house?

Diosa: I was mortified but that comment was not out of character for my house. I still remember coming home one night, kissing my dad good night and having him say, "You smell like sex." I'm sure he was right. Neither his being right, nor his consistency in making such blunt and direct comments made it less mortifying.

Alice: In the same post you said you had tried spraying vodka up your nose to cure a sinus infection. Have you ever heard of Sudafed?

Diosa: I have. I like Vodka better.

Alice: Me, too—me, too.

Diosa: The neti pot works best for me, though. And I prefer any possible method of handling my sinus infections over having my nose broken.

Alice: So your first career was as a high school English teacher?

Diosa: You must have gotten the common thread between me, Bookgirl and Polly by now.

Alice: You were all teachers?

Diosa: No, silly. Bookgirl's in publishing. Polly's an aspiring writer and sometimes copy editor. I was an English teacher. The common thread is love of reading and writing. Even if I did end up an IT Manager. At least, for now.

Alice: Tell us the craziest thing a student ever did, a time when you knew you should be pissed but all you could do was laugh.

Diosa: Um, usually all I could do was be pissed. It's why I quit.

But one time when I was student teaching, I made the mistake of asking two senior boys if they were going to the freshman dance. One answered, "Yes, fresh meat." The other, "Not me, Miss Diosa. I like older women."

Alice: Speaking of kids: yours run away from home, huh?

Diosa: Little Trouble (LT) escaped on several occasions at two and three, but I wouldn't call that running away.

Trouble actually ran away about a year ago. During the winter. Left a note on the fridge and everything. He was picked up by the police a few blocks away—eight years old, no hat or gloves, carrying a stuffed animal. I guess he looked pretty suspicious.

Alice: I like that kid. And the escapee.

Diosa: Trouble also recently told the principal that his father choked him. I had a very unpleasant conversation with her and she decided not to call in the social workers, this time.

Alice: Your boys are the real deal.

Diosa: Tom Sawyer had nothing on them.

Alice: You wrote in a post about teaching "Often as a teacher, once you meet a student's parents their kid's behavior becomes more understandable." What do you think Trouble’s teachers say when he pulls the "dad strangled me" act?

Diosa: I can't imagine. I hope they know him well enough to understand that he's spoiled rotten and a complete drama queen. I figure if they haven’t called the authorities, they must get that. But both boys are actually well behaved at school.

Alice: Okay, so you quit being a schoolteacher and went back to school yourself to become an IT whiz. If you get tired of that will you go back to school again?

Diosa: Maybe. I love school. I just hate paying for it.

There's nothing else I'm burning to learn, though. Reading, writing, technology—those are my passions. If there's another career in my future, it's something more physical: yoga instructor, personal trainer.

Alice: Are you a hacker? Could you break into a credit card companies computer system and rip them off pennies at a time?

Diosa: I'm no hacker. Though, to be honest, if I should I be so inclined, I could set up one of those fishing websites that lures less computer literate individuals into giving away their social security or credit card numbers. It's not really that hard.

Alice: I knew it.

Didn’t you get your old boss’s job?

Diosa: Yes, I did. I think I'm in way over my head.

Alice: You once wrote that you were "relentless, thorough, and intense" but trying to be better about change—accepting it, embracing it. How’s that going?

Diosa: I had a review with my new boss, the CEO. His one criticism was that I should lighten up and smile more. Obviously, I'm doing great at being less intense.

Alice: You have some good posts on your blog about women, their roles, abilities, and such. Do you consider yourself a feminist?

Diosa: When men I work with call me "sweetheart" or "darlin'," I have mental visions of slugging them. If that makes me a feminist, then so be it.

More often, though, it seems I get accused of behaving like a man rather than a feminist. I think that’s a bit different. A feminist is still considered as acting and thinking like woman. When you act like a man, you're not trying to make people behave differently or change the world. You just do what you want and fuck anyone who doesn't agree.

People can call me anything they want but at the end of the day, I'm not going to care enough about what they think to change the way I behave.

Alice: You live in a really old house, right?

Diosa: In New England, if your house was built this century, it's not all that old. Ours was built in the 1950's, so it’s just old enough to need a new roof, heating system, windows, drainage….

Alice:  It seems like you've been working on it for a long time, if you could do it over would you buy a new build so you didn't have to deal with all the renovations and problems?

Diosa: Every house is eventually going to require maintenance. The grass is always greener. Didn't that come up in Chance's interview? Yeah, grass is just plain grass.

Alice: Well, maybe different shades?

Diosa: I'm one of those rare birds that have always been quite satisfied with my own brand of grass, thank you very much. Life is never going to be perfect. And if it was, I'd be bored, and I hate being bored.

Alice: Things I’ve picked up form your blog: aluminum-free deodorant and Weeds. Do you have any other wisdom to offer?

Diosa: I was really very disappointed to learn that Uno's has done away with their Uno's Amber Ale recently. That's not really wisdom, but it's what's on my mind to share.

Alice: Noted. Are you sure you don't want to do a pet interview?

Diosa: Quite sure. But you reminded me I have to go feed Flame his worms and crickets. Trouble isn't home tonight.

Alice: What is Flame again?

Diosa: Leopard Gecko.

Comments

[Polly Poppins]

I think Diosa's gotten me to squirt Vodka out of my nose before. Or maybe that was tequila. Either way, it wasn't intentional on my part. She just has that hilarious deadpan deliver power that activates when I least expect it.

[Chance]

Don't worry Diosa, I ran away from home twice. Both times I left for over a month. This is when my parents didn't really want to be in the same room with me much less living under the same roof.

But then they grew up and now things are wonderful.

I am their favorite man/child. Of course back then you could beat a child and get away with it, which even though I have always maintained I would never spank a child, it might be why I am such a well adjusted alcoholic that obsesses over breasts, can't spell, touches the 'bad spot' a lot, acts like an ego-maniac with an inferiority complex, and has, as my dad likes to say, 'a woman's heart.'

See how I was able to turn that into all about me. It's a gift I know.

Break it down...ohohhhohhohhhohhoh hohhhohhhohhoho...stop!

BTW if you ever want to 'start over' with your house...I know a guy that knows a guy.

[Pandora]

First things first: Green is my favourite colour.

I remember a Mythbusters episode where they used vodka to lessen pain of jellyfish stings. I bet they never thought of supplementing it for sudafed. Genius!

I've been doing some soul searching lately. There's a possibility that I might join Bookgirl, Diosa, and Polly and finally declare my major in.....English. I could never been one to teach and god knows I lack at creative writing. So, Bookgirl, hook a sister up with an internship and let me live with you for a summer? I clean for free.

I dated a boy who lived in northeast Ohio. When I visited him in his hometown, I was obsessed with the houses. I kept marveling how "colonial and old-school America" they looked. Living in a national forest for 18 years in a cabin-esque house in the mountains and now the land of San Diego stucco, I was enthralled with the painted shutters and the lit candles in the windows.

[Alice]

Diosa - I don't want vodka anywhere but my mouth and dont try to make me.

Chance - a woman's heart is a good thing to have. And is that man/child or man-child?

[Bookgirl]

As someone who went on Diosa's honeymoon with her, I can attest to how well-matched she and Blackstone are. Also his willingness to humor us. Which I guess goes without saying, because if he weren't, Polly and I would have figured out a way to break them up before they made it down the aisle.

Pandora, as long as my nephew the gourmet chef doesn't need my spare room this summer, it's yours. Just send me your resume and let me know what area you want to work in, so I can figure out which of my friends I should tell to hire you. Unless I lend the room to both of you, which would nicely tie in two of my worlds. He's a little young for you, but I've always found 18 to be a great age. You get them young, and train them to spec.(Um, Godbaby Mama, if reading about me pimping out your firstborn skeeves you out, you should just pretend I'm kidding...)

Chance, I just booked a vacation to Seattle this summer--kayaking with killer whales and sky-diving. If you play your cards right, I just might be able to fit in one more adventure...

[Bookgirl]

And everyone--book club tomorrow!!!! Are we excited?!?!??!? (Thanks, Jack, for the extra exclamation points. I'll try not to use them all at once...)

[The Dol]

Yeah, don't hog the exclamations, Bookie!!!!!

Diosa, come on: do a leopard gecko impression! Do it! Do it!

[Polly Poppins]

(to the tune of oscar meyer bologna song)

oh, I have a friend named bookgirl,
she's badder than you are,
she lives in new york city,
that's really very far,

I can't see her everyday,
and if you ask me why I'll say,
because bookgirl lives too far away,
and I can't catch no plane today.

[Polly Poppins]

I had two doses of cold medicine this morning. I'd burst into another song but I've got to go buy kettle corn. Now.

[Pandora]

Bookgirl, I have a feeling I would use you something next summer, not this up and coming. Also, I have a rule to never sleep with my roommate. There's also prospects of Sweden or England. Best friend says if I study in Sweden, boys will adore me and I'll never want to leave. I can't see this being a problem.

[Pandora]

btw, I didn't mention it before, but Diosa, your eyes are stunning!

[Diosa]

@Polly - I do take pride in my deadpan delivery. I'm not sure what to say about your Bookgirl/Oscar Meyer song.

@Chance - so does that mean I should be less worried or more worried. I think I'm going with more.

@Pandora - I loved getting my English degree. I just wish there were more practical uses for it. At least it's not an Art History major. You know it's really cold in Sweden and that some months they only get an hour of sunlight?

And thanks!

@Bookgirl - My mom couldn't break us up, so you would have had your work cut out for you.

@Dol - So if E = mc^2, wait! Cricket!
Don't you wish you hadn't asked?

[Polly Poppins]

@ Diosa, I know, I know. You can't be expected to say anything. My lyrical prowess defies words.

[Chance]

Diosa...if it has male parts then things only get worse. You keep thinking we will get smarter but that rarely happens. Better trained yes but smarter...

@bookgirl...they call me Adventure Land...well honestly nobody calls me Adventure Land but somebody should, at least once in my life. I did have an ex girlfriend once tell me I was a waste of a perfectly good kiss. At the time I thought it was a compliment about my kissing but looking back I wonder if she meant something else?