Chance Looks for Love...In Expensive Places

Since this is my first post on this blog I thought I would write about my two favorite subjects: me, of course, and my lack of a love life.

I feel like one of those horses that is great out of the gate but not much for stamina. (Insert joke here).  I started off my love career like a rocket. In the seventh grade, I danced all night with Michelle A.  Well, it really was more of a rocking back and forth than dancing but I was touching a girl and she wasn't running away because she thought I was about to snap her bra strap. We danced all night. And on the last song I even dipped her without dropping her on her head—to the applause of most of the crowd. We were voted 'Best Couple.' The award came with a huge Hershey's Candy Bar. 

I knew I was in love.  I could feel it in the nervous energy that would make me shake just thinking about Michelle.  I remember sitting in my room and listening to love songs on my walkman dreaming of Michelle as Mrs. Michelle Chance.  The combination of her first name and my last name was something I wrote in various styles of penmanship on my trapper keeper.  This of course was discovered by my classmates and was added into the Chance humiliation hall of fame.  Looking back I realize that even then I was a fool for love, and a fool and his love will soon part.

Flash-forward a year and it was time for the Eighth Grade Dance.  Expectations were pretty high. I think there was a pool on if I would get to first base or not. I had a plan, not to talk Michelle into an illicit but passion-filled kiss behind the bleachers— but to get her to fall deeply in love with me.  She was smart (future valedictorian), popular, and beautiful with that great 80's poof of hair and leg warmers that went on for miles.

During the dance I stepped away from the Hawaiian punch and asked Melissa R. to go with me to the cloakroom and point out which jacket was Michelle's. After Melissa left—I think a little bit sad that I didn't try to feel her up—I slipped a black velvet box into Michelle's pocket. When I got back to the dance, Michelle was waiting for me; the couple’s dance was about to begin. The song was “Take my Breath Away” by Berlin, the one that was featured in a spit-filled sex scene on Top Gun.  A scene that would give me a lot of trouble later in life during a situation that involved a woman’s chin, my drool, and the worst sound you can hear the first time you are together, hysterical laughter. But that is a story for another time.

The song was a perfect way to describe how I was feeling about Michelle, which I told her at the time: "Michelle, this song is a perfect way to describe how I am feeling about you."  I think she giggled. I remind you that it would be another four years before she became valedictorian.  We were voted best couple…again. But if you think I was going to use my built up capital on a good night kiss, you underestimate me, my hormones, and her mother’s icy stare. I knew come Monday morning some things were going to happen—and that kissing would only be part of it.

And Monday morning came. Lucky for me it was picture day so I got to wear my best striped shirt with my favorite skinny leather tie. I put a little extra Groom & Clean in my hair, and stole a squirt of my Dad's Aqua Velva.  Looking good, smelling good, and in an hour —when Michelle and I went to the library or, as we called it then, The Love Shack—I was going to be feeling pretty damn good.

I got off yellow bus number 5 and walked into school. A crowd of girls was sitting there waiting for me.  A huge smile swept across my face, as I thought word had already gotten out of what a great boyfriend I would make, and the girls were lining up. Melissa R. and her posse of Chanceabees surrounded me. They were shouting my name and asking if I had given Michelle a pair of earrings.

"Ladies, ladies, those where 100% cubic Zirconium earrings."

Well, the girls all got pretty quiet for a moment. I was sure was they were in awe of my generous nature. Then Melissa spoke up in a tone that was downright mocking, "You Jackass. She doesn't even have her ears pierced!" Two points for Melissa.

Needless to say Michelle and I never did make it to the Love Shack, never kissed, and--although I am sure she was in love with me—the massive middle school pressures of gossip, jokes, and hallway taunts ended our brief but passion-filled affair.

The point of this story wasn't about how much of a fool I made of myself. The point is that for love I would always be willing to go past the point of fool.

Flash forward 20 years, a lot of partners, a few loves, and an embarrassing case of the clap: I am still a fool for love. But I’m not having much success finding anyone that is interested in watching me make one of myself.

Enter in internet dating.

For about fifty bucks a month I get to look at thousands of women that live in the Seattle area while not having to suck in my slight spare tire or change out of my bathrobe. If I think they are hot, and if the interests and hobbies that they rarely do match the interests and hobbies that I rarely do, I can send them a wink. Or if I really want to put the effort into it, an email. 

Gone are the days of telling the hot girl in the grocery store that I always  squeeze the melons in order to make sure they are ripe. Or the days of telling the girl in the over-sized Harvard sweatshirt at the laundry mat that her underwear would look great on the bedroom floor. Now it's all about how hot your profile picture is, and if you have any cool action pics, like climbing Mount Kilimanjaro , skiing a black diamond run in Vale, or standing on top of the pyramids.  Then there is your short story about who you are, what you’re about, and what things you’re looking for in a partner.  Although nobody is completely honest: I am 34 and only a social drinker or I really don’t care about money and if you make any.   It is really important to be mostly honest: I like kittens, puppies, and long walks on the beach. But not desperate: I am lonely, feeling a bit randy, and really just want a girlfriend I can cling to.

So without further ado here is my profile from Match.com:

The above picture links to the full profile, just click. Any advice, please feel free to share but, dear reader, please remember I am a man, therefore sensitive and fragile so try not to cut me too deep. That means you, too, Alice!

 

Comments

[Polly Poppins]

I so remember watching Top Gun at a slumber party. A dozen or so thirteen-year-old girls squealed in horror, "ahghgh! she licked his neck!!!!!!!!"

1. Are you really seeking women from 25-45? Or are you just saying that so you sound enlightened?

2. I thought your profile picture was great until I read that you were 6'1" rather than 5'6", now I recommend you change it out for one of the ones where you look your height.

3. The "In My Own Words" seems perfect to me. "About Me" seems pretty straightforward, so no advice there. I would start "About Me and Who I'm Looking For" with the third paragraph and just nix the first two--there's nothing wrong with them but it sounds like mostly the stuff I expect to hear from anyone and it really seems (to me) to start to be your voice and a real snapshot of you after that. I'd also end on "take a chance" but skip the "I'm a great person" part." It sounds more enticing.

[Danielle]

I'm not digging the profile pic in front of the fireplace. It feels a bit contrived... like "you could be lying on the floor naked in this picture."

I'm with Polly, you look short in that picture too. I honestly don't believe the dude in that picture is 6'1"

I also agree with polly's suggested edits. If you take out those first two paragraphs, it sounds more interesting and authentic. The first two sound a bit cliche, and I think they don't really say much about YOU.

I met my husband on Match.com. I was looking for a one-night-stand. He was my first date using the service (though I was not his first.) He treated me like a lady (boo!), so I didn't get my one-night-stand, but we've been together 7 years.

[Alice]

I'm with Danielle on the pic in front of the fire place. I haven't clicked through to the profile but I will when I get home from work and boy will I have an opinion. This is just fabulous.

[The Dol]

So fun! Great post. Your profile looks pretty good, but I'm with everyone else: ditch the picture. The fireplace strikes me as corny. I am digging the argyle sweater, though!

I tried to see the enlarged screen grab of your profile, but it seems to be only the top half of the profile, so I couldn't read all of it.

You are so funny in your writing here, and I'm not getting the funny on your profile. Of course, I couldn't read everything, so maybe I missed the knock-knock joke section or something. Can you turn up your funny over there?

I also met my husband on Match.com. My tagline (and this was a long time ago, so I'm not sure if it still works this way) was "Click here for secrets of the universe." Got 'em every time!

[Polly Poppins]

Okay, I'm working within the limitations of typepad and my knowledge of typepad, so my apologies for the cutoff. I can't fix it exactly but here's how I got around it: drag the image to the desktop and open that, they you can see the whole big thing and scroll. The description in "About Me and Who I Am Looking For" does get funnier and more Chancelike as it goes. But there's no such thing as too Chancey.

[Pandora]

Quite honestly, I don't have too much to say. But yeah, I don't believe you're 6'1. Argyle is hot. You sound spontaneous, which in my book, is always a plus.

I've never ventured into the realms of online dating because having a life partner is the last thing I want right now. When I come to that stage, I'm trading babysitting hours for Polly's magic to transfer lackluster profiles into online hotspots.

I really don't think I can be of much help here.

[Bookgirl]

I'm so confused. Why are you still looking for the perfect woman? You already met me, silly!!

[Chance]

Ladies Ladies...that picture is 100% Chance!? I wear a lot of Argyle sweaters and Danielle sometimes I do sit in front of the fireplace naked. But I didn't think match would approve those pictures.
@Pandora, if you are a woman, that likes men, then you can be a huge help by telling me the secrets to the pick up. I am great at finding my way to their loins and then their heart or vice versa. But it is the initial contact that I suck at.
@Polly thank you for all your work getting this up. And as usual my first reaction to your suggestions of cutting anything I have written filled me with horror. But as I looked at it again I am starting to come around. So your suggestions on "About Me and Who I'm Looking For" are good ones.
@Danielle I had no idea women went out looking for a one night stand. I always thought my charm was so amazing they just couldn't help it...well that and the tequila shots.
@Dol...bless you and your commie, pinko, heart! Here's to us and comrade Obama...Thank you for commenting on the post itself. And it is nice to hear a success story...so maybe I am not wasting all that money.
@Bookie...This is really tough for me. If I could plug my personal Zip Drive into the computer and skype with you that would be one thing. But I tried to spoon with my laptop and your last email the other night and I can tell you it was unfulfilling. Something about the cold screen against my bare ass...just didn't do it for me. Maybe we should hold our passions in check until your visit this summer. Think about how huge that explosion would be!!
@Alice...did someone kidnap alice? Do I need to raise some ransom money? I took a perfectly good shot at her in the book club section and I haven't found a dead rabbit in my soup yet. Where in the world did alice go?

[Polly]

Alice went to Ohio. She said she's catching up with us tonight.

[Polly]

Also, that picture may have accidentally captured your inner short man. Put the sweater back on and look tall.

[Chance]

Right Ohio...I drove through Ohio once...I think they were laying the ground work for telephone poles. I really shouldn't poke fun since I grew up in Wisconsin. It wasn't until I moved to Seattle that I ever ate a vegetable that wasn't deep fat fried.

Alright to recap I should stand up - trim the boring - add the funny -
@Dol would it help if I put a picture of me standing up looking down at the little zen master with a caption that said "Click here for secrets of the universe." ???

[Chance]

Then I could add a pop up screen that said "No silly...you have to click faster!"

Yeah that might not be a great idea...

[The Dol]

What is the little zen master? Are we talking about your penis now? No penis talk on your profile.

And I have to say, this has been a really fun and funny post and discussion. You are brave to put yourself out there for us, but I think it was a smart move on your part. I mean, we *are* your target girl audience: we're cute, smart, generally liberal, and we appreciate a good sense of humor. I think you are on your way to a near-perfect profile. Did I mention we think highly of ourselves? We do. And you are a good package, so this is window dressing on your profile--you know, making sure your strengths are really showing through, not a corporate takeover and rebranding of your entire personality. You don't need that.

Which reminds me, Polly and I did basically remake an entire guy one time. If we could have had Ramblin' Jack actually Photoshop him *in real life*, we would have done it. He also needed a personality transplant and a way to stop playing the air drums constantly. He eventually lost his virginity at some point in his late 20s. He never thanked us for that, but he should have. He was practically a lost cause. You're a great package, though. This is much more fun.

[Mia]

Wait...computer on your bare ass? so... it was spooning you? Oh my God you are totally a bottom.

[Polly]

@Chance, I could totally get that zen master (provided its not a euphemism for your penis)
thing photoshopped for you. I don't know if you can really add that pop-up screen, but I would find that hilarious.

@Dol, that guy lost his virginity at 28, within a few months of our makeover. Coincidence? I think not. And he did thank me. And he might or might not read this blog. We're facebook friends. So if he does, well: hey, friend, how's it going?

[Chance]

Mia...I would normally be behind in the spooning but the warmth from the battery was causing some...issues.

[Pandora]

Chance, I hope you don't let other people borrow your laptop. You're making me consider never using another laptop except for Denzel.

No zen master, no no no no no.

[The Dol]

Wow, I'm a jerk. Hi, friend!

[Polly]

@Dol, we weren't talking about him, right? It was another 28 year old virgin. Oh, and I should add that he thanked me, but it wasn't for the girl, it was for cleaning his room.

[The Dol]

That reminds me, have I thanked you lately for the time you cleaned my bathroom when I was puking my guts out with the flu? I sort of feel like I owe you an annual "thanks" for that. I could send you some pop rocks in the mail if you want.

[Chance]

I could tell you about what to do with the pop rocks once you get them...

[Diosa]

I'm really not sure how you haven't found someone yet.

In all honesty, I think people are often better off single. There are those of us happily married out there. I know most of us have had to kiss quite a few toads to get there. Luckily, I wasn't one of them.

But even for us happy couples, most of us have our kids to continually cause us to question why the hell we wanted this life in the first place, or in my particular case, remind me why this was the life I didn't want.

But it's still worth it . . . most of the time.

You do need a new profile shot. That one doesn't capture your height or your essence. Something a little more candid, where you're not advertising the place you're looking for a woman to fill.

And you could cut down the "What I'm Looking For." Polly's right, some of it is cliche and you don't need it. Less is often more in writing. I do help people write on occasion, and what they always marvel at is how I said exactly what they wanted to say in half the words and more accuarately.

Oh, and your a fellow Scorpio. NICE!

[Diosa]

I always see the grammatical errors in my comments right after I post them. So annoying.

[Pandora]

Diosa, my father said I was a tax deduction. Apparently, he was just out for a good time and ended up with me and my sister. He claims that my mother insisted they'd keep us. Essentially I'm a drain on the family income, but I know he's enjoyed every moment of it.

[Polly]

@Diosa, I would have fixed those errors if I had seen them before you did.

@Dol, you're welcome. I'd do it again. I don't need the pop rocks, or glow sticks because, like whipped cream, I consider it a household staple and always have a supply on hand.

@Chance, no explanation necessary. I have the internet.

[Diosa]

@Polly - I always see them before you fix them, and I know when you did.