Alice Opens Pandora's Box

Pandora: I hope I’m not too dull.

Alice: Please let me be you. That’s the first question: can we trade lives?

Pandora: Are you sure you want to? I mean, I live an immature carefree life with no parents and excessive alcohol. Oh, and apparently this thing called "adulthood" is looming over me.

Alice: Well, I’m pretty sure this is a facebook status quote from you " Pandora is having an impromptu beer pong match against ___________!”

Pandora: Monday evenings get dull. We make the best of them. I also want to state that I won that game.

Alice: Yeah, I’ll take it.

Question two: this entire interview is going to be about your giant boobs, your college lifestyle and your gangsta father. What do you have to say about that?

Pandora: Sigh. Really?

Alice: No. But if it were what would you say?

Pandora: I’d say I talk about my boobs on a regular basis so it'd really be no different but I think of them as temporary. Polly promised me she'd pay for half of my reduction. Granted she was ten-tequila-shots deep, but a promise is a promise.

Alice: So you're going to go from like a triple Z to a D-ish or what?

Pandora: More like from a DD down to a healthy C. Pretty sure somewhere in the world a boy is going to fall dead the moment I decide to sign the papers at the plastic surgeon's office.

Alice: I'd bet on that being like a lot of boys.

Pandora: No worries.

Alice: Did Polly really give you condoms at a Nordstrom Cafe?

Pandora: Yes and lubricant.

Alice: No she didn’t! What kind of lube?

Pandora: Are you really going to make me dig it out? Hold on. "Natural feeling" k-y.

Alice: That’s so Polly—getting you the good kind of lube and not that "jelly" crap.

Pandora: Um, yeah. I don't know anything about that "jelly" crap. I'll take your word for it.

Alice: Please do. What kind of condoms?

Pandora: A lot of kinds.  She even got me the "Pleasure Pack."

Alice: How many condoms are we talking here?

Pandora: 52 of them to be exact. Apparently that's considered a two-week supply.

Alice: Maybe that’s a two-week supply for her but I'm here to tell you that if I check back in two weeks and you don’t have any of them left then we are trading lives immediately.

Pandora: Trust me, they will be here in two weeks. I've sworn myself off boys for at least a month.

Alice: While we're on the subject of sex—I understand they call your sister Sex On A Stick. What I don’t understand is how you didn’t get that nickname first—seeing as the term so clearly applies to you as well and you are older?

Pandora: How do I say this without coming off narcissistic?

Alice: I’m sure you can think of something.

Pandora: Baby sister is a bit more naive. Essentially, she doesn't realize she's hot.  

Boys regularly tell me they've never met someone like me and are completely entranced by me. Then I dump them. Unless you're the current ex...

Alice: We won't talk about the current ex, will we?

Pandora: Let’s not.

Alice: How long have you known Polly?

Pandora: Since I was about seven. I consider her and the Dol my older sisters.

Alice: But you are actually related to one of them, no?

Pandora: Yep, the Dol is my biological cousin. Her late mother and my father were siblings and the offspring of our commie-pinko grandfather.

Alice: So, of course knowing how awesome the two of them are and the fact that they are both in the San Diego area—did proximity to them factor into your choice of college?

Pandora: I always knew I wanted to live my youthful years where surf meets turf. I had visions of suntan boys with too long of hair. I didn't think I was going to need my extended family down here. Freshman year was tougher than I thought though and I’m very fortunate for both of them.

Alice: Best college classroom moment?

Pandora: During speech class. We were talking about the different mannerism and dialects you use when talk to different people, as in your language towards a cop is different than the way you'd talk to your best friend. This lead to our professor asking us if we ever had any run-ins with the cops. One kid told about the time he got an M.I.P. The professor wasn't sure what it was and the student had to explain it was for minor in possession—in his case, marijuana. My professor then spent ten minutes reminiscing and telling us how she tried weed once and was told to sauté it in red wine, dry it out, and then smoke it. Then she encouraged us to tell us about other illicit activities we took part it. My professor was also a seventy-year-old woman.

Alice: What do you want to be when you grow up?

Pandora: Ugh. Lately I’m thinking housewife. Except I burn cookies and can't cook. I redeem myself with my cleaning abilities. But I'm told I just need to be explosive at sex.

Alice: The sex bit is good advice—who gave it?

Pandora: Polly Poppins herself, who else? In all seriousness, though, I might want to grow up to be Bookgirl. I'm going to declare my major as literature and writing.

Alice: Have you declared a major yet or will this be the first? 

Pandora: This will be the first. I initially considered declaring biology. I shortly found out it was nothing like Grey's Anatomy.  I now feel it is better for humanity if I didn't hold a scalpel or any medical instrument.

Alice: Favorite college kid alcoholic beverage?

Pandora: Pink panty droppers or the classic standby bottle of cheap wine. Never boxed though. I try to keep it classy.

Alice: What do you miss most about high school?

Pandora: Having my closest girlfriends at lunch every single day. That's it though. It was a small town; I needed to get out.

Alice: Were the other kids so jealous of your Papa Gangsta Pete—because he was obviously one of the coolest parents ever?

Pandora: Kids are still jealous.

Alice: I’m jealous.

Pandora: You should be. But honestly, it's only been recently that I could accept the fact that my dad is pretty awesome.

Alice: Does Papa Gangster Pete read the blog?

Pandora: I sure hope not because if that's the case I HAVE NEVER KISSED A BOY AND ALCOHOL IS BAD BAD BAD. Actually, he can barely access a computer.

Alice: I wondered how you were getting away with the alcohol/sex talk. Does he know he has a facebook fan page?

Pandora: I might have mentioned it once.

Alice: So, basically, no.

Pandora: Shh.

Alice: So Papa Gangster Pete is a California Peace Officer. What is that exactly?

Pandora: He says it's adult daycare. But in laymen's terms: prison guard. He loves his job. His personal motto is "you can be a stoner, barely graduate high school, and still make six figures. God, I love California."

Alice: And if there is a Vegas trip for your 21st birthday he will be there, right?

Pandora: He's never been to Sin City so apparently he's using me as an excuse.  But I’ve never been one to turn down my daddy's money so I’ll take it.

Alice: Can I come? I feel like I have to see it to believe it.

Pandora: You can come to Vegas but he's every bit as obnoxious no matter what the setting.  His personal favorite thing to do is tell jokes loudly, in hopes strangers hear them, and then look around to make sure.

Alice: Do you think you inherited that sense of humor?

Pandora: We feed off each other and constantly fire back comebacks. He claims I don't listen to him because he never beat me. But yeah, you can credit my sarcasm to him.

Alice: I’m also jealous of your incredible taste in music. Where, when, and how did that start?

Pandora: I started digging into indie music my freshman year of high school. I was inspired by Garden State and Seth Cohen of the O.C. and further shaped by meeting my male counterpart, who is a college radio DJ. We claim to have "the most culturally relevant friendship ever.” He recently made me a 1000 song playlist full of his favorite indie and hip-hop finds.  

Alice: Are you going to be writing about music more here on the blog? I love when you include playlists.

Pandora: I heart sharing with people what I’m currently listening to. I probably won't be putting up a post purely on music, but I always try to incorporate music into my post.  Also, just ask me and I'll mail you a mix.

Alice: What are you listening to right now?

Pandora: Currently "Satellite Skin" by Modest Mouse is rockin'.

Alice: Does growing up scare you?

Pandora: Insanely. I got depressed turning 20. I don't want responsibilities.

But then I remembered that my dad never grew up—not really—so neither will I. I just need to get a job.

Alice: Have you decided on where you will be spending your summer abroad? 

Pandora: I’m not sure if it'll be summer but I want to study in England: Beer and Boys.

Alice: Favorite book?

Pandora: “The Secret Garden” and then “The Secret Life of Bees.” Apparently, I like the clandestine theme.

Alice: Movie?

Pandora: "The Sound of Music" and then "Garden State."

Alice: Dare I ask for a favorite song?

Pandora: "Green Eyes" by Coldplay. 

Alice: How about artist then?

Pandora: I can't pick one band unless I’m allowed to mash Coldplay/The Fratellis/Spoon/Muse/Phoenix.

Alice: Last question: when you get married, can I have what's left of those condoms?

Pandora: I told you, I only swore off boys for a month. But I'll be happy to buy you your own two-week supply for Earth Day.

Comments

[Polly Poppins]

I hope Papa Gangsta Pete doesn't take me off his Christmas card list because of this interview. Or worse, toss me to the inmates. I am not cut out for prison. I am far too pretty.

And if PGP reads this blog, well, I just want to say for the record: I was trying to keep her from catching a disease, getting pregnant, dropping out of school, going on the dole, and ending up abandoned to die in a trailer park. And chastity belts are so two centuries ago. That thing about sleeping with her ex's best friend for revenge was a joke.

And, Pandora, I love the clandestine theme, too. But like you, apparently only in fiction because we're not exactly keeping it on the down low over here, are we?

[Alice]

Can I get on Papa Gangsta Pete's Christmas card list?

Pandora - you rock.

[The Dol]

Uncle Pete is my favorite uncle, a fine, upstanding human being, and if there is anything here of which he disapproves, I'm sure he knows that The Skipper wouldn't hesitate to hack into my account and post inappropriate things.

I have never heard of this "Sex on A Stick" nonsense, and I absolutely do not condone that sort of talk about my darling and innocent younger cousin. You people should be ashamed.

And Oh Em Gee, people, isn't Pandora adorable in her picture? Kudos to her for being lovely, and to Ramblin' Jack for his amazingness.

Alice, honey, you do a great interview. I am enjoying them tremendously.

[Mia]

Pandora: I did my year abroad in Glasgow, Scotland. It was awesome. Boys, Beer, Kilts and no underwear.

[Polly]

@Mia, you're selling that product in the right neighborhood. You've got more than one Outlander/Jamie Fraser groupie here. I could go for some beer and something in a kilt.

[Chance]

Wow...beautiful...smart...sarcastic...and well endowed...musical tastes!! How do I get me some of that, he says. I only have one point of contention...The French started putting really good, inexpensive wines into boxes a few years ago. Now some other regions are starting to follow. It is a bit of trial and error but there are some really good wines in boxes these days. Not something you bring over to your bosses house for dinner or pull out when you are cooking dinner for a date but for book clubs - everyday drinking...great for a college budget.
I can recommend some to anyone that won't make fun of me for it. Just to let you know my bo·na fi·des, part of how I make a living is buying all kinds of wines at all kinds of price points.
@Alice even though you are M.I.A. and so on my bad list...great interview. They get better and better every week!

[Polly]

@Chance, I did a box wine review here a while back. I'm not too good for box wine that comes in cubes. Just other box wine.

Also, there's a mathmatical formula, Chance: (guy's age/2)+7=youngest he's allowed to hit on or date before it gets creepy. I'm not positive, but I think the math might be against you on this one.

[Diosa]

@Pandora - Enjoy you're glory days while you can. Really, enjoy every phase while you're there. They're all pretty amazing, at least up to mid-thirties, beyond that I can't speak from experience.

I wouldn't be in too much of a hurry for the breast reduction. I advise kids first, if you're thinking you might have some. Otherwise you might have to do it all over again. After that, one of the best things you can do for yourself.

Great pic!

[Pandora]

@All, Papa Gangsta Pete hates Christmas. Before we got a fake tree, we had a tradition the day after Christmas in which he hoisted the tree over his head, yelled "I hate Christmas," and threw it off our 15 foot deck.

@Polly, I, like Chance, enjoy talking much about myself. Hence the fast paced nature of my voice and tendency to rush everything out.

@Dol, Like I told you earlier, one of my guy friends did say your darling little cousin was "bangable." Good thing he's a Mormon.

@Alice, No darling, you rock!

@Mia, My favorite band, The Fratellis, hail from Glasgow so it's alway been on my list. I'm just worried a bit about the accents. I have a feeling after 4 beers their language because somewhat foreign. Then again, that'll be after 4 beers and there will be no cares in the world.

@Chance, It's honestly been awhile since I've tried the Bag O' Fun. Enlightened me and perhaps I'll throw a wine tasting party among my friends. Also for the record, nothing makes you feel more authentic than flirting up a storm with a cute Italian boy while holding a bottle of wine. Nothing.

@Diosa, I want kids and am definitely waiting until after. Not sure I could do it twice anyways. Unless they gave me lots of vicodin. God I love vicodin land.....

[The Dol]

@Mia, yeah, we're into the kilted Scots around here. You could elaborate in pretty exceptional detail about your time in Glasgow. We have vivid imaginations and we've read the Outlander books. I, for one, have read all of them.

@Chance, back off the baby cousin, gramps.

[Pandora]

@Mia, I haven't read Outlander and plan to. So, please no spoilers!!

[Chance]

Jeez girls...I was just being friendly. Believe me I know...nobody under 30 finds me charming. I have accepted that...but you don't have to pour salt in the wound.

[DJ Audacious]

Firstly: Was this the direct transcript from the interview? You guys have really great conversation, it almost looks premeditated for how clever and funny the dialogue consistently stays at. Kudos to you two.

Also, this was one of the funniest things I've read in a while: "Alice: Maybe that’s a two-week supply for her but I'm here to tell you that if I check back in two weeks and you don’t have any of them left then we are trading lives immediately." Pandora, if you kill that condom stockpile in two weeks, I think we would definitely have a disparity separating our twinship.

@Polly, I second that mathematical formula for ages of guys being involved with girls.

Once again, thanks for the mention from you in the interview, Pandora ;) We DO have the most culturally relevant friendship! And if you marry Grieves that will only increase the relevance.

[The Dol]

@Chance, you are much loved, my dear cyberfriend. You're broadening our horizons to little zen masters and whatnot. And this is the kind of blog where only the women get to be lecherous. Sorry.

@DJ Audacious, you're the twin!!! Holy moses! Good to have you here. Wasn't the interview fabulous? Alice and Pandora are both rock stars. Of course, you know Pandora is a rock star. I know how you two like to geek out over music. Have you heard the latest Nickelback???

[Pandora]

@Twin, you know that I'm that witty all the time. So naturally my conversation with Alice was nothing but superb. She has great chemistry most anyone though. Check her other interviews. Also don't H8 me, but the Dol seems to think that I'm too good for Grieves. Apparently, I could do cuter? I know, I know, you can't use me anymore to get closer to your favourite Seattleite hip-hop artist. I think you can settle for Christmas dinner with Darren Aronofsky though.

[Pandora]

@Chance, We totally love you here at IYBH. You're full of nonstop flattery. Keep it coming Zen Master.

[Pandora]

@Twin, I just reread your comment. How dare you say it was premeditated!

[Bookgirl]

Pandora, love, love, love the photo. Jack, you are so talented.

Alice, one again, FABULOUS.

Pandora, Never again in your life will you be able to drink the way you can now, and still get up in the morning. Enjoy it while you can..

Oh, and Sex on a Stick. Heh. Still funny

[Alice]

Jack - Im sending a list of how Id like to look. Please and thank you.

Twin - premeditated? Don't make me call you.

Chance/ The Dol - I think that "gramps" comment was just hilarious. Ha. Gramps.

Just Chance - don't ever call me out for being MIA again. I will hunt you down and make you MIA. Also I will hack that Match profile and get you some real dates with some real men.

@Everyone - the interviews have been so much fun - just one left!

[DJ Audacious]

@Dol, Haha yes we do a lot of geeking out over music... Oh my gosh though I somehow must have missed the new Nickelback!!

@Pandora/Twin, pfft whatever, Grieves looks like an older Justin Bieber... you'd think girls would love him? Darren Aronofsky is more than acceptable but he's 40 years old so you fail the "age test"... You can go for this latest music producer I've been raving about! He's also a photographer/designer... And no the comment about wondering if it was premeditated was only because I was surprised at how witty the dialogue was, take it as a compliment!

[Pandora]

@Twin, That means i'll have you listen to your indie rock/hip hop show on Sunday from 10pm-Midnight to find out if I like him, right? No worries, I'll just stream from http://kzuu.wsu.edu/kzuu.aspx.

[Pandora]

@Bookie, Don't worry sistah, I plan on using my time wisely.

[Chance]

There is alice again fixating on the men on men theme...
@Dol...I only feel the love...and besides I like a little spanking every once and a while.

[Finch]

this was rather entertaining to read and i second DJ Audacious, these interviews would be fun to read. i guess that is why myspace's surveys were so popular.

anyhow in response to your sex on a stick sister. i have this sense that naivety well be fast lost in college as i believe both Pandora's and mine were.

and guess who else totally wants to tag along to vegas??? maybe we can even get twin moved out of his too-indie-for-vegas-new-years mind set.

[Mia]

@ Pandora - the accent totally grows on you and before you know it you'll have a bit of a scottish accent when you speak. I remember one time someone asked me for direction and before I knew it I had slipped out a scottish accent and she thought I was a native! which is awesome because I'm actually Puerto Rican (like from Puerto Rico - not from the Bronx)

@The Dol - It's a tradition in Scotland not to wear anything under there - so if they are doing it right you never have to ask. but when you do...they are more than happy to prove it to you.

[The Dol]

@Alice, I very nearly spit out my coffee. You crack me up.

@Mia, good GOD. Let's go over there now, people!

[Kit]

"Pink panty droppers" sure made me raise an eyebrow. Imagine my disappointment to discover the drink is just a hard variation on the age-old shandy. Wikipedia tells me shandies made with hard lemonade (what the Brits call alcopop) are called turbo shandies.

Epicurious tells me PPDs call for PBR - is that your beer of choice, Pandora?

[Pandora]

@Kit, Now if I was a true hipster, I'd walk into a party in my skinny jeans with a 6 pack of PBR. Though I'm culturally relevant, I'm no true hipster. I really don't like beer all the much in general. Also, I'm sorry you were disappointed, but really, you can't expect college students to come up with suave and sophisticated drinks.

[Chance]

Alice I think there are two interviews left...

[Kit]

@Pandora, think nothing of it! That question wasn't asked with a sneer - I just want to be sure if I "try this at home" that I am replicating it properly.

I certainly remember the suave and sophisticated vodka I drank in college - Gemini brand, out of a plastic bottle. Ick. One of the few things I don't miss about college: screwdrivers in Solo cups.

[Alice]

Chance - I'm pretty sure Polls trumped you. Get used to it. Suckkkkaaa