(The following interview was fashioned from scraps and pieces of the team interviews conducted by Alice, a few last minute questions, and some wicked imagination. Then blended and mashed until it sounded like a drunk dial. Love, Polly)
Chance: Do we exchange naked pictures?
Alice: Umm. No.
Chance: Robin Mead of CNN did.
Alice: I currently live in a house with a man who doesn't watch television. That is not a joke and my life is empty and meaningless as a result.
Chance: Bummer. Jersey Shore is missing you right now.
Alice: Dude. I freaking love that show. I'm a situation. This is a situation. Can I have your phone number?
Chance: Really? Do you want to call me and have me put the TV on so you can listen?
Alice: Yes I do.
Chance: I won't even tell TV guy.
Alice: Non-TV-guy, actually. Don't worry, he doesn't read the blog. And he's just not the jealous type.
Chance: So, he doesn't read and he doesn't watch TV?
Alice: He reads and writes, yes. Just not either on this blog. No television. Sometimes films.
Chance: But no television?
Alice: You’re fixating.
Chance: But that sounds…complicated.
Alice: You’re right. I’m about to marry a non-TV-watching recovering catholic, I could use some advice.
Dol: Here's my advice on the catholic part: kneel when he tells you to kneel, don't eat the bread (it's cannibalism, for Chrissakes), and smoke doesn't necessarily mean fire.
Diosa: Unless you have boys. What’s your worse parent moment to date?
Alice: Every day tops the last. Patience is not my best quality. Actually I'm not entirely sure I have any patience at all.
Polly: I’m sure you have other redeeming qualities.
Who are you when you feel like the best version of yourself?
Alice: My first thought was good lord I hope that version is yet to be. I often see women who are in their forties(ish)—looking good as ever, smart, with some life and family and marriage experience behind them—and think I can't wait to be like that. The best version of me so far? I can't even get my mind to picture that me right now—the only thing that comes to mind is sun-tanned skin. And now I'll go downstairs and have a drink, thankyouverymuch.
Polly: What advice would you give yourself at 20?
Alice: Start a retirement fund. Don't bleach your hair. Drink more wine and smoke fewer cigarettes. Try not to sleep in so often. Show a little cleavage. Talk less, listen more. Yoga, church, meditation, and driving with the radio up and the windows down can all be lifesavers. Patience, my dear, patience. Get a dog. Listen to Chef Mark, he's usually right. And always wear sunscreen.
Pandora: I bet you wish you’d had someone like Polly around when you were twenty.
Alice: I wish I had someone like Polly around just before I walked down the aisle in my first marriage.
Bookgirl: Polly is very helpful.
Alice: You can be helpful. Please get me an interview with Shalom Auslander. I will mouth kiss you—that’s a warning.
Bookgirl: I haven't had any action in so long that's actually tempting. Tongue?
Alice: Maybe. Can I come to visit again soon? Your couch is the most comfy place on earth.
Bookgirl: You’re always welcome.
Alice: Good because I don’t have money for a hotel. Or for anything else. I had to stop going to Target, I'm too poor and can't resist its charms. No joke.
Model: Too Poor For Target. If I had a band, I'd name it that.
Alice: If you ever have a band named Too Poor For Target I expect some credit. I'll be keeping close tabs on you for that.
Model: You'll get royalties in the form of Target gift cards.
Alice: Better than gold.
Model: Truly.
Alice: I can spend it all on condoms and box wine.
Pandora: Hey, tell us about your experience with that lubricant “jelly crap.”
Alice: As much as I’d love to, you’re too young to hear that story.
Polly: When you first became “Alice” I thought it was a reference to “Alice in Wonderland,” even with the “All Over” tacked in front of it.
Alice: It wasn't. I just like to attach an adjective to a name. Like Negative Nancy or Boring Betsy. Or Surly Santos.
Dol: That reminds me, why do your dogs always try to start something with other people’s dogs?
Alice: Whoa! Slow down there Sassy Sally. Only Santos likes to instigate. It's because he's a Mexican gangsta with something to prove. The other one, Hank, is like a really sweet Hallmark card wrapped in a dog suit. Don't judge Hank—you'll scar him for life.
Polly: Speaking of “scarred for life,” why marriage, again?
Alice: So I can dance and do shots of Patron with you at my wedding. And because I believe in marriage, in establishing something long lasting with someone you love. For better and, good god almighty, for worse—because I know how to drag the worse out of anyone.
Polly: That takes skill. Do you ever expect to feel settled?
Alice: When I'm dead. I can't say for certain that I know what 'settled' feels like, anyway. I’ll let you know when I get there.
Polly: How are the people on the team different than you imagined?
Alice: You have no idea what my imagination can do.
Polly: I’m listening.
Alice: As much I love anyone who will listen when I talk, I'm not about to start writing that nonsense on the internet. But nice try.
Polly: What if Shalom Auslander came to listen to you talk, would you tell him your nonsense?
Alice: Absolutely.
I am so going to get Alice drunk and find out all of her secrets. But not at her wedding, because a little bit of throw up looks a whole lot of wrong on a wedding dress.
Posted by: Polly | March 11, 2010 at 09:13 AM
Alice looks so pretty! Pretty, smart, AND funny. Non-TV Guy is one lucky homeboy. I hope he knows that.
Posted by: The Dol | March 11, 2010 at 09:27 AM
And in case you're wondering, yes, the tongue-kissing conversation really happened.
Polly, you're the only interview left. I can't wait!!
Posted by: Bookgirl | March 11, 2010 at 09:40 AM
When I was reading about what Alice would tell herself when she was 20.. my first thought was, hey, sounds like Pandora to me! And then the next line down.. lo and behold.. there she was.
Posted by: The Band Geek | March 11, 2010 at 10:50 AM
Retirement fund: check
Don't bleach hair: never have
Drink more wine: really? like even more than the bottle I already down once a week? Well, if you insist...
Smoke fewer cigarettes: check. Used to when I drank but, no more.
Show more cleavage: check. It's how I make my ex boyfriend jealous.
Sunscreen: umm, spf 15 tanning oil? Yeah, I know: Bad Pandora.
I consider 20 to be quite old. I can legally have sexual relations and die for my country. When will I be old enough for the "jelly crap" story? 21? 24? 57? I'll send you condoms for earth day if you do tell me :)
Band Geek, I feel like a lot of the women here see bits of their nostalgia in me. It flatters me because I think the group of ladies, and man, here are quite lovely people. They make me have high expectations for my future because if i'm never involved with a group of people so awesome, I'll go insane.
Posted by: Pandora | March 11, 2010 at 01:47 PM
By the way, Alice, you need to decide on the where and when for the wedding so we can all clear our social calendars. We're all very busy and important, you know.
Posted by: Bookgirl | March 11, 2010 at 01:53 PM
Great pic!
@Pandora - I have to think any stories involving "jelly crap" are likely to be more painful and cautionary than entertaining.
@Alice - Yes, Bookgirl's right, we need time to clear our social calendars.
Posted by: Diosa | March 11, 2010 at 03:55 PM
regarding the wedding - I have planned absolutely nothing and won't be doing so until late this year making for a summer 2011 wedding - I think. You will all be there. Keep the whole summer open.
Posted by: Alice | March 11, 2010 at 05:20 PM
Just for the record I can neither confirm nor deny posession of said naked pics of alice.
@Alice I had a dream about your future last night. It was about five years from now and you were lying to the ball and chain about going to a book club meeting when in fact you were going to best buy to watch t.v. all night. That part was sad....but the funny part was watching you sneak mouthfuls of wine out of a box that you had hidden in your suitcase...I mean purse. You might say I am being a misanthrope but that is only because I spend my nights with one hand on the remote with a finger on slow-mo and the other hand on my purell hand sanitizer dispenser.
@Diosa...I have some very nice stories involving "jelly crap"...hey nothin but romance here ladies.
@Pandora...a bottle of wine a week does not a college girl you make. In WI they call that lunch. But that might explain why there is a five year gap in my memory. On second thought...good for you. Everything in moderation is a grown up way of living life.
Posted by: Chance | March 11, 2010 at 05:36 PM
I wish I had someone like Polly around before I walked down the aisle with Captain Armani, too. But I suppose I would have ignored her advice/predictions anyway (as usual).
Also, a head's up--there is a loose plan for a possible fall 2011 wedding for Rex and I, too. So, basically, everybody should just clear the entire second half of 2011 if you haven't done so already.
@Pandora, you do a much better job of being the youngest one around than I ever have. I'm so glad you're here, mostly because you're awesome of course, but also because you deflect those comments from me. It would have bugged the shit out of me to be told I was too young to hear a story like that at 20. (of course, at 20 I was married, with a baby and another one in the works, and with plenty of jelly crap stories of my own...).
@Alice, you still owe me a mouth kiss with tongue...
Posted by: The Model | March 12, 2010 at 11:18 AM
Alice, how come you promised everyone else mouth kiss with tongue but not me? I'm taking that personally.
Model, you aren't going to follow my advice. I know that. The good news is that even if I'm right, you'll be fine. And there's a part of me that truly believes that your adult age advances exponentially once you have children, so that a twenty-year-old parent can be older than a thirty-year-old in some ways. Mostly the tired ways.
Chance, it's all romance when you get to this age, ain't it?
In general, I once as an adult had the opportunity to ask my mother all the questions she told me would have to wait until I was older. Her version of "three old maids from Canada" was inspiring.
Posted by: Polly | March 12, 2010 at 06:21 PM
Polly - just like the Model I don't and wouldn't have listened to your advice, except of course unless it's medical advice, so I guess you being at my wedding wouldn't have helped me, either.
All - kisses are coming. Later. Except you, Chance. Not a chance. Heh.
Pandora - you are better at being the youngest one for sure. And for the record - if I had a good jelly crap story I'd def. tell you. The truth is that it's just sticky and messy and when in need of lubricant you shall never, never, never assume that cheaper is okay. There are just some times when cheaper just won't do. And THAT is something I should have added to my advice to my 20 yr old self.
Model - Where will you likely be getting married? Tucson? Because that would be waaay cool.
Posted by: Alice | March 13, 2010 at 07:08 PM
Oh, I love mouth kisses of all kinds!
Posted by: Pandora | March 14, 2010 at 01:56 AM
Alice...you cut me...you cut me deep.
Posted by: Chance | March 14, 2010 at 08:20 AM
Speaking of tongue kisses, my college friends were giving me crap about not dating, so I agreed to do an EHarmony profile and go out with anyone they told me to if they would do all the work to maintain it. There might be a blog in this...
Posted by: Bookgirl | March 16, 2010 at 09:28 AM
@Polly, word on the tired ways. Word.
@Alice, probably Tucson. Slight chance of L.A., but Tucson is definitely the front runner.
Posted by: The Model | March 16, 2010 at 10:36 AM
@Alice, I didn't give you advice. I made predictions.
Posted by: Polly Poppins | March 16, 2010 at 01:07 PM
FYI Bookie...although I think EHARMONY is the best way to find...whatever online, they tend to reject a lot of people that are outside of their norm like say I don't know...gay people.
Posted by: Chance | March 16, 2010 at 02:26 PM
Chance - I still have yet to adequately investigate your Match profile.
Polly - sometimes from a prediction we can assume advice??
Model - I prefer Tucson if that helps.
Posted by: Alice | March 16, 2010 at 06:01 PM
@Alice-no.
Posted by: Polly | March 16, 2010 at 08:03 PM
Chance, ironically, one of the people who has taken over my love life is the executive director of a marriage equality political action group...
Posted by: Bookgirl | March 18, 2010 at 07:46 AM