King of Chance

CHANCE FOR KING!

HE'S GOT THE BLING!

I understand if I am to be elected King for Life that you, the voter, really need to understand my beliefs, and how my decisions—which will be final—will impact your life. The first thing I can promise you is that unlike Congress and the Executive Branch, I will get things done. That is one of the upsides to giving me complete power. I will not rule by committee. Things never seem to get done by committee, which is why if you’re like me, stuck in the middle class, every four years we seem to hear about the same issues because nothing ever seems to change.

It seems to me if you are on the very bottom or the very top of the economic scale then you might notice changes from one government to another. But when you’re in the middle it seems to always stay the same or only get worse. We pay taxes, our costs seem to always go up, our roads that we take to work always seem to have more pot holes, traffic is more congested, schools want more money for less results, neighborhoods seem less safe. They started talking about not being dependent on foreign oil back in the Seventies. And I am pretty sure that hasn't been fixed.

I am sick of it, and I am sure a lot of you are as well. So here are some of the policies that, should you see fit to elect me King for Life, I will enact:

I will still tax you because my government will still have needs but your tax will be a flat 15%. No matter how much you make your percent will never go up. If you sell your home you will only pay tax on the profits of that home of 5%. Your state tax will be 5% and that will never go up. All fees you normally pay for permits to build,  own cars, get licenses, parking, garbage pick up or tolls will be $100.00 per year total. That’s it. Period. If you don't pay your taxes, you have to report to a work farm until your debt to me is paid off.

Teachers, firefighters, and police officers will be hired at seventy thousand dollars per year and are eligible for a merit raise each year. Schools will no longer be funded by property taxes but by me. That is because there is no longer property tax. You bought the land. It is yours, not mine.

Florida will no longer be the land of oranges but will become the land of solar and nuclear power plants. Sorry Floridians but we need the power and I hated living there. Plus if a nuclear power plant explodes the winds will take any fall out into the Atlantic. Florida will really be the sunshine state.

If you commit any crime involving violence including domestic you will be sent to Florida to work at waste disposal. Your term of service will vary depending on the severity of your crime. But if you rape or abuse children do not expect to come back.

I do not believe in wars of aggression. We are not an empire, but every young person must serve two years in a national service. Our military forces will be defensive or peace keeping in nature. They will still be the best trained and the best equipped but the Defense Department’s budget will be cut. By a lot. The Education Department will now get the most money. After your national service, college will be free to those that want to attend provided they receive a 3.0 average and graduate.

All people that are in the country illegally are eligible for citizenship. They must give four years of service, pass a high school equivalence test, and not be convicted of any crimes for five years. If convicted of a crime other then vehicular then off to Florida you go.

Pot will be legal and taxed. As well as prostitution. Before you say off with my head hear me out. I believe in freedom. What you choose to do with your body, and your brain is your choice. There will be government run houses for these activities.  But there will not be anybody making money off these people, like pimps or dealers.  To be sure we will tax the hell out of it but I have no problem with a sin tax.  To be a client you must pass a health test, you will be photographed, and your license recorded. The courtesans, both male and female, will have college classes each day, be required to save half of their income, have free mental health providers, and be physically protected at all times. I believe that most people that would choose this lifestyle are broken, but your body, your choice.  The money saved from prisons and drug enforcement will go to addiction treatment.

Yes I am campaigning to be elected King for Life. I strongly suggest that you think about my offer because I will make your life better. You might not agree with everything I believe but your daily life will have less government, more freedom, better schools, a cleaner environment, and a happier life.

I will still allow you to vote for local and state government officials but any laws they want to pass have to be approved by me. But you will have more freedom because I believe that everyone has inalienable rights, and as long as you’re not hurting anyone I really don't care what you do in your own home.

I will be a great king because I will let you keep more of your income then the current government. I will stay out of your private life, and I will fix global warming. Everyone regardless of income deserves the best health care modern science has available. I believe that we can save millions by spending more in preventive health care. Part of that will be increasing the school day by one hour. Every child in K-9 will have art class, music class, Foreign  language class, and athletics/healthy living class.  Healthy living class will teach just what it says.  Healthy lifestyle choices.  The days where kids needed to get home to work the farm are over. We have a unique opportunity and a collective audience that have brains that are sponges. For those of you that think nine hours is too long for kids to be at school just remember back when kids worked 12-hour days in factories and on farms.

Relax. They will be fine.

The debate over school prayer is over. There will be no school prayer. Public schools are not where we teach religion, they have schools for that and I think they meet on Wednesday nights and on weekends. If you want your kids to learn about the apple and the talking snake I have no problem with that. If you want to teach your kids that dinosaurs never existed because they are not in the bible well then okay. But it won't be done in my schools. What I will accept and something I think is a great idea is teaching children the differences between religions from a historical prospective and then letting them make up their own minds on what they want to believe. But if you are so insecure in your beliefs that you feel a child has to be inundated with your beliefs 24/7 then maybe you should think about why.

Just a thought.

My government will not sanction the killing of any of its citizens. No matter how much we might want to. But I have no problem removing citizens that commit crimes from the free world and putting them to work doing things people don't want to. The ones that are the most violent and can't be used on work parties get a six-by-eight foot cell. No radio, television, magazines, workout rooms, Internet access, or any books newer than twenty years. They are not a part of society, they don't get to know what is going on in society. Two hours exercise per week, three showers, and two meals per day in their cell. The only rights they have are human rights. They forfeit all others by their inability to work nice and play well with others.

I can sum up my foreign policy like this. If you think you have found the keys to happiness and wonderful living you don't try to force your neighbor to live that way, too. You just keep living your life, let them see how happy you are and let them come to you. We will be the world’s best friend, the kind you come to when you need advice or are having problems. We will not be the world’s police, the kind they always feel nervous around. Mess with my citizens abroad and I will crush you like a grape. Otherwise whatever is within our collective power to help you will be there.

By the way the kingship will not be hereditary. I don't have any children and even if I did I think they should have to stand on their own merits. So when I die or get to the point where I don't feel like being king anymore you will have to elect a new king.  Also if you have a problem with me getting some lovin in the oval office then don't vote for me.  Work sex is hot! 

So although I love Obama, truly believe he has the best intentions, congress mostly sucks, and I want to get some shit done.  For that you need a king...a king like me.

Comments

[Alice]

I like the fact that you have really really thought out how to take care of those prostitutes! Bravo!

I offer you 3 goats and 2 golden rings to sit on the King's advisory panel when you are elected.

[Diosa]

I wish it was that easy. I'm going to fall back on one of my favorite quotes, "Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely."

That, and I think you need to make Florida much bigger for this to work.

But I do agree with most of your policies.

[The Dol]

For a second there, I thought you were Ron Paul. Yikes! Flat tax? Really? Pretty regressive there, your highness. That said, I'm totally down with your plans on pot, school prayer, and cutting defense in favor of education. Not so much on the nuclear.

Also, I totally support sexual activity in the Oval Office.

Where do you stand on crowns and thrones?

[Polly]

@Diosa, your comment about Florida slays me.

@Chance, I think I'd vote for you. I need more than two meals a day if you sent me to Florida, though.

[Chance]

Pol, pay your taxes and don't beat up Ramblin Jack and you will be fine.
@Dol, a flat tax is more fair to the working class then the current tax system. If I make millions after it is all said and done I pay a lower % of my income then someone making $50,000. My tax system would even the playing field and still be lower taxes then we currently pay. As for crowns I don't like to wear hats and thrones sound bad for my back.
@Diosa I don't disagree with your statement at all. But if you make sure that I have someone to make my favorite snack, (butter on saltines) an array of beautiful women that want to be with me because of my power, and let me sleep in till 9 whenever I want, then you can't give me anything else that I need. Food, sex, and sleep.
@Alice you left me such a great opening about where you could sit but I don't want to be crass. I think you would be perfect on the panel, because you wouldn't let my head get too big on my shoulders, but just remember what happened to Sir Thomas More.

[Pandora]

Can I visit Florida before you decide to nuke it?
I think it's the closest I'll get to seeing a Guido without having to actually visit the Jersey Shore. I think that's something I must experience in it's natural habitat.

Sex in the oval office seems healthy.

I'll vote for you on the condition you make me Ambassador of California. This will also include that I get to wear a tiara and drive a hybrid Maserati.

I'll be voting for you.

[Pandora]

PS: Super stoked to see that Model got A Softer World on the Lucky 7. Twin showed me the site a month back deemed them "alt comics."

[The Dol]

I had to go look up Sir Thomas More, and here's what I found for anyone else who wants to know:

"An important counsellor to Henry VIII of England, he was imprisoned, tried and executed for treason by beheading in 1535 after he had fallen out of favour with the king over his refusal to sign the Act of Supremacy 1534, which declared the king to be the Supreme Head of the Church of England, effecting a final split with the Catholic Church in Rome. More was beatified by the Catholic Church in 1886 and canonised...in 1935."

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thomas_More

There's also a portrait of him on the wikipedia page, and Alice is way hotter.

[Bookgirl]

You've got my vote!

And any mention of Thomas More makes me cringe. Twenty years ago, Polly's brother and I saw an amateur production of A Man for All Seasons that lasted like 23 hours. I never fully recovered.

[Chance]

I think I was at that same show!

[Diosa]

I think I was in that production of A Man For All Seasons, but for only like 5 minutes.