If this post makes no sense, is boring, or just ends in the middle of a sentence I apologize. I am tired, new job, 15 hour days tired. New job, long days, no sex since bush...tired. I might be the only guy in America that had one of the first Obama tee-shirts and didn't get laid the night of the election. Lest you think this is going to be another long post on love, love lost, first love, first kiss, or loving the first bj you would be wrong. I am pretty fucking crabby today and bookies wonderful post on billy joel lyrics and being single made me want to cry. It isn't too often I want to cry. But usually every few years it just feels like I could use a good cry. If you think this is going to be a post about how great I am because I am in touch with my feelings and can show emotion, you would be wrong. I am great and I can cry for you if you want me to, but that isn't what I am writing about.
I could write how I am in dire need of love. Not just bumping uglies, temporary, you-said-your-name-was-what, kind of love. But love you feel in the membrane walls of each and every cell in your body. I could write about how I am waiting to be hit by lightning. How nothing short of 'I would jump off a bridge for you' rapture is going to get my attention. But I am too crabby to give a shit about writing something so stirring and thought-provoking.
This started today when I was looking through someone's wedding album. She was beautiful, with the alabaster skin, and hazel eyes like mine. I honestly had a thought of how hot our kids would have been if she hadn't gone and married some boner, in a cheap Men's Wear-house tux. The next feeling I had was pure, evil, envious hate. Now I don't know them from anyone. It is just a wedding book left out in the boardroom for clients to look at. But I was building up quite a dislike for Mr. and Mrs. Jacobson. They looked really happy in the photos, like they really were in love, and I just wanted to write her a letter telling her I saw him getting a bj from the cheeky maid of honor in the men's locker room that day. I didn't even work there then but when I am really crabby sometimes my mind does evil doer things. The lesson for me is when I am crabby, not to look at pictures of happy people. Makes evil chance beat up good chance.
I told you there was no point in this post didn't I? So I will come to my question part. I am really ashamed of myself for feeling that envious and petty. Even if it was for just a few moments. I feel like I have to write her an apology letter for even thinking the things I was...well thinking.
Dear Mrs. Jacobson. I am sorry I thought about writing you a letter telling you how Mr. Jacobson was getting a pre-wedding bj from your cheeky bridesmaid. As far as I know he didn't...but I wasn't there. Yours in another life, Chance.
BTQ...Has there ever been a time when you thought some pretty evil shit? Something you would'nt want to say out loud because it was so petty and mean that it makes you look like a schmuck.
Take a chance and tell me...I won't judge you...mostly.
When I really wanted to be pregnant but wasn't pregnant, I would eyeball other moms and judge there worthiness, deciding whose baby would be better off if I snatched it. I remember once hissing, about some very young, very bellied mother-to-be "she doesn't even look pregnant, she looks knocked up."
Posted by: Polly | May 25, 2010 at 10:08 AM
Polly- I can't imagine you wanting to be pregnant that bad? Please explain.
Chance - 15 hour days? You're too old for that shit. (I'm assuming you're in your early 50's?) And, no, I NEVER think things like that about anyone EVER. I, unlike you apparently, am a kind person who does not have evil thoughts. It's all love and rainbows in Aliceland. Sorry to disappoint.
Posted by: Alice | May 25, 2010 at 11:54 AM
Oh, Chance. Boy, did you ever pick the right week for this BTQ, at least for me.
I'm not the only one who wants to sucker-punch Baby Dol's kindergarten teacher, but I probably want to do it harder and with more repetitions than anyone else. Who screams at and humiliates a five-year-old in front of her peers? A kindergarten teacher who is retiring in less than a month, apparently.
It's not often that I have thoughts of physical violence, but I could see myself doing some damage to this woman.
Posted by: The Dol | May 25, 2010 at 12:58 PM
Back in the days when I used to be a hardcore rabbit showman (it's true), there was the girl and her mother who said nasty things about me to other competitors. Granted, I was the reigning grand champion for 5 years running, but that's no excuse to spread nasty rumors about me. Literally, the only time that I've ever wanted to punch someone in the face in public was then.
Posted by: Pandora | May 25, 2010 at 01:08 PM
Chance - every f'n day of my life. If people could read the thoughts that go through my head they'd run screaming. Usually it's just the general petty, day-to-day stuff like wanting to castrate the guy that just cut me off. Or back up over the kid that flipped me off while he was jay walking. Or burn down the house of the people with the sign, "How's that Obama thing working out for you? Got change yet?" Or tell the neighbor who needs me to give a ride to her son that I really can't stand her kid and would prefer that she lost my phone number. Or tell the woman at the club that she looks like a trani-hooker.
Posted by: Diosa | May 25, 2010 at 03:27 PM
I live with two roommates. There's the cool one, and the one everybody hates. And when I mean everybody.. I mean pretty much EVERYBODY. Anyway, one day while I was home alone I laid down on my floor and actually thought of a plan to set her room on fire and make it look like an accident.
I'd never do it. But holy crap. I cannot believe I even though about it.
But still. I felt extremely evil. And I scared myself a little.
Posted by: The Band Geek | May 25, 2010 at 05:11 PM
I once wanted to smash a chair into a million pieces with a bat...but that chair was asking for it.
Posted by: Mia | May 26, 2010 at 08:11 AM
@Pol...I have a different response when I look at a prego woman...but what is the difference between lookin prego and looking knocked up?
@Alice...oh alice my dear, I am not quite in my fab 50's yet but rest assured I could still teach you a thing or two about a thing or two.
@Dol bless your heart, you know you are a liberal when you write that your five year old has "peers". I love it!! As far as the teacher goes...take a glove, smack her across the face with it and challenge her to a duel. In front of the whole class...then when she hems and haws make chicken noises. The kids will love it, and you will feel better.
@Pan...I have no idea what a rabbit showwoman is...but I would vote your rabbit best in show anyday. Ok I just re-read that and realized I am going to get smacked by the hall monitors...I meant that in a non-chance way. Really!
@Diosa...give me the address of the rednecks and I will make sure their entire camaro is covered in Obama/Biden 2012 stickers. I know a guy that knows a guy.
@Band Geek...Relax, everyone has those thoughts...and I mean everyone. Not doing them is how you make sure you don't end up "ripped from the headlines" as the main bad dude on Law and Order Criminal Sv Intent.
@Mia...did the chair give you a splinter in your bum...cause I would be pissed about that!
Posted by: Chance | May 26, 2010 at 09:31 PM
@Chance: the bitch just got in my way... it had to be done.
Posted by: Mia | May 27, 2010 at 08:06 AM