Polly Refuses to Participate

The thing about drama, really unnecessary drama, is that the people who perpetuate it are never at fault. The fault always belongs to the opposite party. The party that is making the dramatic person be dramatic.

Or so the story goes.

My tolerance for drama is low. Yet I have managed to inspire it in a few people over the years. Usually just once. Because that's my meltdown limit. Not meltdown as in tantrum, but meltdown as in melt away like a ninja. One minute I'm there, the next I'm gone and the person who was perpetuating the drama is dead. At least to me.

I will always consider an accusation, an assertion, or really any claim--reasonable or otherwise--that I am acting without integrity, logic, or kindness. I will consider it but I will not automatically be cowed by it. I weigh the evidence. I have blind spots, especially when it comes to other people's emotions. I do not always remember to take feelings into account, not even my own feelings.

For example, my personal philosophy is that I refuse to feel guilt over thoughts and feelings. I feel what I feel. It's a body sensation, like a cramp or a tickle or an itch, that passes over me without permission. But regardless of my feelings, I hold myself accountable for my actions. Voluntary actions. Well, sometimes involuntary ones like sneezes, too. But mostly voluntary.

I also hold other people accountable for theirs. Regardless of how they feel. Regardless of whether or not they think the way they feel is somehow my fault. Because, even assuming their feelings are my fault, their actions are not. I expect integrity from others as well as myself.

Not every person seems to be capable of integrity. And yet, still I expect it. Because really, I refuse to live my life surrounded by any other kind of people.

So when I cut off all ties with my cousin, Queen An, let's call her, I really cut off all ties. It's over. I don't care if she gets medicated, lobotomized, or sees the light. It's over. Because the best predictor of what people will do is what they have already done. And she's done plenty. With all the people who haven't proved they lack reason, accountability--integrity--who live in my zipcode, let alone on the planet, I see no reason to throw good after bad with a known trouble maker.

On the other hand, when I have a disagreement or misunderstanding with someone who I know to have integrity, I will go to any length to reconcile, to learn from the situation, to strengthen the relationship. It's not that I'm not willing to work at being a good friend. It's that I'm not a masochist.

I have been told that I am selfish. Usually by people who want something from me that I am not willing to give, as opposed to people I am asking something of. I don't really get it. It's a blind spot for me. How can I be selfish just for refusing to give what's mine? I'm not taking anything from anyone and I'm not hoarding. I'm not being greedy, per se. I'm just refusing to try to fill someone else's emotional void. And usually that someone else has what I consider to be an very weak, if not non-existent, claim on me.

If the antonym of selfish is selfless, then I guess it's possible I am selfish. I prefer to think of it as self-respecting. Because in all things moderation, right. I like to think that there's a middle ground. A place of balance. Where neither party in a relationship has to completely subjugate their needs to the other person. Especially when "relationship" is a loose euphemism for passing acquaintance. 

In this case, I'm not speaking of Queen An. I'm speaking of a biological half-sibling I have never met from a biological parent who I have almost no memory of, whose name isn't even listed on my birth certificate. I can't bring myself to feel responsible for this biological half-sibling's warm fuzzy vision of what we should be to each other. I can't bring myself to fall into the role of "big sister of her dreams." I can't begin to explain to her that I feel no responsibility to have a relationship with our biological father and that by not doing so, I'm not purposefully punishing him, just making a practical choice.

I don't feel I owe her anything. I don't feel I owe him anything. I don't think shared DNA mandates intimacy. I choose to build relationships with emotionally stable, reliable people who demonstrate personal integrity. I choose not to build relationships with people who have a history of instabiliy, unreliability, and a lack of integrity. It's that simple. I don't care how much the other person feels like I owe them.

I am loyal, commited, and willing to sacrifice. I will invest time, effort, and emotion into relationships that are worthwhile. I will give without keeping points. Help without question. Love with my whole tiny heart. But I will not be an emotional masochist.

I value mutual respect, dignity, and reciprocity. Not perfect reciprocity, but the shared intention of reciprocity. I am very intentional in my relationships.

Perhaps it is a matter of understanding motives, but I have never met an INTJ whom I considered selfish. Nor one whom I considered selfless. All of the INTJs I know, male and female, act with integrity. They are reliable, considerate, and loyal. When I found myself in personal crisis, just after I had driven across the country and signed a lease with a lying, cheating, burden of a man, it was two INTJs who flew out almost immediately to be by my side. Because they knew that I needed them. I really needed them. I had done everything that I could for myself but I was still a wreck, so they came.

I didn't have to ask. They just came.

Diosa was one of those INTJs, and in a rare, possibly unprecedented and unrepeated, burst of overt temper, she actually slapped that lying, cheating, burden of a man across the face. She slapped him. INTJs don't usually go in for that sort of thing, but there comes a point. At that point, we are the friend most likely to bring a shovel and well-thought-out plan for disposing of the body.

Not really. But maybe really. You never know.

I don't have games in my relationships. I think reason and drama are at odds. I want people to make sense--at least most of the time--and when they don't, I want them to go away. Or to at least not try to follow me when I go away. 

Maybe that would be asking to much of some. But I'm not asking. I don't need anyone's permission.

 

Comments

[Alice]

if you can figure out what peoples incentives are, you have a good chance at guessing how they're going to behave.

Not sure why, but that's what this post makes me think of. That might be a Polly quote, or it might be from freakenomics - I sometimes have a hard time differentiating the two, anyhow...

[The Dol]

I already told you this, but I don't buy the selfish thing when it comes to you. I think it's a passive-aggressive way for people to try to guilt you into doing whatever dysfunctional game they want to play. I'm glad you aren't buying it. It's b.s.

[Diosa]

Some people just think they're entitled. Just because you have it does not mean you should have to share. I always feel like I'm not giving enough, not doing enough, but I refuse to be guilted into responsibilities I don't have time or energy for.

And yes, for anyone of my family or friends that needed me, I would always show up.

[Katrina Jackson]

Welcome back! I found myself nodding away as I read through this post. I am going through some family drama right now. Unfortunately it is not the kind that allows me to write the person off completely and so it plauges me.

It's true that certain people often have expectations of what we should give and find us selfish should we choose not to. I think it takes an incredibly strong person to not give into those notions.

Perhaps I have some lessons to learn about preserving self...

[Li_Lilac]

Hi,
(this post is completely unrelated to the topic)... but I was reading through the Kokology questions (super old I know) & I really wanted the answer keys to "All the World's a Stage" and "The Doctor Will See You Now". Could someone please e-mail it to me... pretty please w/ sugar on top? Lol