If You Belonged Here

Bookgirl is Begging the Question. Ouch.

So we all have that person in our life. The one person who, for one reason or another, we just loathe.

Maybe you're forced by circumstances to be nice to yours. My mother calls that "being a good hypocrite."

Maybe you'll likely never see yours again.

Or maybe you're full-on rude when you see yours.

But here's the question:

If you could get revenge on someone, in any nasty, twisted way your imagination can think up, how would you do it? We want details.

My only caveat is that is has to be someone you know personally. This won't be any fun if every single one of us writes about Dick Cheney and waterboarding.

I have this ex-brother-in-law. Or as I like to call him, Satan. Multiple members of my family have had restraining orders against him, not all springing from the same incident. Multiple incidents. Years apart. And while I admit that I've spent many years fantasizing about the creative ways I could kill him and cover my tracks, I'm pretty sure the absolute worst thing I could do to him would be to clone him, and force him to spend the rest of his life in the same room as himself.

And actually, the afterlife too.

I don't want him to have suicide as an out.

Bookgirl is Begging the Question. Like, Totally.

I was walking through the West Village today, and I saw a girl. (Technically she was a woman, but I consider anyone under 25 a girl. Sorry, Pandora.) So this girl was wearing jeans. Acid-washed jeans. With ankle zippers and little bows at the top of the zippers. Shudder.

I owned those jeans in the late 80s. And I rocked them, tucked into my aqua slouch socks and my leather hi-tops. Rocked. Them.

But there was one catch. See, the trend coincided with that awkward period when shaving was new. Which meant that my ankles were gashed up for that whole  time. Scabs meet zippers and well... You can imagine the rest.

My aunt always told me sometimes you have to put up with pain to look good. And anyone who's seen my shoe collection knows that I'm willing to bleed for fashion. But still, ouch...

I think of a whole new generation of girls in those jeans. Those poor little ankles.

So tell me, what fashion trend do you hope will never come back?

Alice Reads Bookgirl

 Bookgirl: I'm ready. Hit me.

Alice: How long have you lived in the Big Apple?

Bookgirl: Twelve years. I moved here right after college. When I was thirteen.

Alice: You are recently roommate-less for the first time in years. Does this mean you are spending a lot more time in the nude?

Bookgirl: You have no idea.

Alice: You’re nude right now, aren’t you?

Bookgirl: I'm lucky I remember to put clothes on before I leave the house.

Alice: Is your belly button still pierced?

Bookgirl: I decided I was bored with it. For the record, if you're wobbling on a dock in Mexico, having just debarked a tequila booze cruise, you should probably resist the urge toward body piercing. Even if a Merchant Marine from the cruise pays for it.

Alice: Duly noted.

You're a self-proclaimed shoe goddess. Who's your favorite shoe designer?

Bookgirl: I don't do labels. I want the shoes to call my name, not someone else's.

Alice: So you have a "pathological fear of sharks" but recently went diving in a shark tank?

Bookgirl: The only thing worse than going in the shark tank was admitting I was too afraid to go in. It took me forever to make myself jump off the boat.

Alice: Are you still afraid of sharks?

Bookgirl: Terrified. But for the record, I didn't cry.

Alice: If you had to go back and spend eternity in one of the following, which would it be: high school, college, or your first four months in New York? You can choose hell as an alternative but I would advise against it.

Bookgirl: College. If my scholarship had covered more than four years, I would have figured out a way to stay. I still get together with my sorority sisters to watch football.

Alice: Did you have your own fantasy league again this year?

Bookgirl: My team was The Providence Powder Puffs. I always pick the same name because I love the thought of the guys having to admit that they lost to The Powder Puffs. And I imagine it takes some of the fun out of bragging when they win.

Alice: So you are a weight watchers addict like me—do you ever buy Weight Watchers brand foods at the store?

Bookgirl: I used to, but then I remembered: they taste awful.

Alice: I only ever bought the desserts. I would have bought Weight Watchers beer if they had it though—you know, like celery beer or something.

Bookgirl: Becks light, my friend: I love a beer that can claim a calorie count equal to a medium-sized apple.

Alice: What are you currently reading?

Bookgirl: The Percy Jackson Lightning Thief series. Total book candy.

Alice: Explain “book candy.”

Bookgirl: “Book candy” means books that are pure fun that you can just zip through quickly.

Alice: You work at a major publishing house. Are there any major publishing houses anywhere besides New York? Like, Colorado, for example?

Bookgirl: The big houses are all in New York. Polly insists it's because our weather is bad, and if they were somewhere sunnier, they couldn't get us to work the hours we do.

Alice: You work a lot of hours?

Bookgirl: I have a go-go gadget desk. It opens up into a cot for the nights when it's not worth going home.

Alice: Is it worth it?

Bookgirl: Yeah, totally worth it. There's nothing in the world I want to do more than what I do.

Alice: Not even Robert Downey Jr.?

Bookgirl: Wait. Can I do him for money? No one told me that was on the menu!

Alice: What percentage of your time at work is spent lounging around with a Starbucks in one hand and a fabulous book in the other?

Bookgirl: There's always a Starbucks in my hand. But unfortunately, despite what you might think, I don't get to read much at work. That's what my eight minutes a day of free time are for.

Alice: Do you have a favorite moment in publishing?

Bookgirl: We had a launch party once, and both Arthur Miller and Studs Terkel were there. But the party was for the John Steinbeck anniversary, and his son was there. Now Steinbeck is my all-time favorite American author, and I got to hang out with his son and talk about his dad: which of his books was his favorite, what he was like. I was giddy for weeks.

Alice: So you so end your days hanging with famous authors then? You’re kind of a superstar—and you're in Mensa, right?

Bookgirl: Yes, I'm in Mensa. I'm never sure if people are going to find that cool or creepy.

Alice: I think that depends. What are the meetings like?

Bookgirl: Last time I went to one, we saw Leatherheads then went to the diner.

Alice: Not what I would have guessed.

I heard a rumor that you have a character in a book named after you?

Bookgirl: The famous author's name removed to thwart stalkers  book? Every so often I'll get a call from someone who's reading a book and spotted my name, which is fun.  And the first time an author put me in the acknowledgments I thought it was beyond cool. Now it's mostly just something my mom can tell her friends,

Alice: That’s total celebrity status—I’d show everyone, like look my friend Bookgirl is in here. Which reminds me, what’s your favorite celebrity moment? Was it with Shalom Auslander?

Bookgirl: No. Not Shalom Auslander.

Alice: I just love that book, “A Foreskins Lament,” it's so funny. Your house publishes that, don’t you?

Bookgirl: So I’ve heard, Alice. Because you’ve mentioned it, you know, several times.

Alice: You have to read it. And you have to talk to Shalom about giving me an interview.

Bookgirl: You're fixating.

Alice: Bookie.

Bookgirl: Okay, okay. You win. I'll read it. Even though the word foreskin makes me a little nauseated. I had this one experience—well, never mind.

Alice: What about the interview.

Bookgirl: I’ll work on it.

Alice: Great. Now what’s your favorite celebrity moment?

Bookgirl: I worked on the Tommy Lee book, and when I heard he was coming into the office, I made a joke about asking him to sign my book…chest…whatever. My boss told me he had told Tommy the story, and I thought he was kidding, until he introduced me as "the girl I was telling you about." Awkward.

Alice: Any celeb run-ins on the streets of NYC?

Bookgirl: One time I was in a bar, and someone bumped into my back. When I turned around, it was Lily Tomlin.

Alice: You mentioned that you and the city might need couple’s therapy soon.

Bookgirl: New York isn't always an easy place to live. Sometimes it's you versus the city and, well, you're losing. But then every so often, there are these perfect moments. Everything just comes together. You look around you and think, "I love this city." I call them the "I-love-New York moments." And as long as you have one of those for every three "why do I live in this wretched city?" moments, it's all worth it.

Alice: How many weddings have you been in?

Bookgirl: All of them. I have a collection of baby blue bridesmaid dresses that would make you weep.

Alice: So always the bridesmaid, never the bride?

Bookgirl: Have you ever heard of the band Trick Pony? They have a song with the refrain "I'm so glad I'm not the bride." I like to think of it as my theme song.

Alice: You have no kids and no pets but something like sixty-two godchildren. Who is your favorite and why?

Bookgirl: I absolutely do not have a favorite.

Alice: I bet you couldn’t even type that with a straight face. You totally have a favorite. Which one is it? Lemme guess: Ella.

Bookgirl: Of course not. (Yes.)

Alice: If I were your godchild would I be your favorite?

Bookgirl: That depends. Can you rival her ability to be adorable and a total witch at the same time?

Alice: Duh.

I have one more question: Do the bright lights inspire you?

Bookgirl: Let's hear it for New York, New York!!!!!